"Dominic Cumt is feeling down in the dumps because everyone thinks he's a right cumt"
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(Mon 29th Jun 2020, 9:25, More)

COME DANCING


(This joke has been in my head since about 1987)
(Tue 24th Sep 2019, 15:06, More)

Popped into my head - thought I'd put it into yours

(Fri 13th Sep 2019, 11:44, More)

I found the names for 3D shapes a bit confusing so I renamed them

(Mon 7th Jan 2019, 9:40, More)

Been reading old computer mags recently I felt compelled to create my own advert for an imaginary mail order computer games shop in 1985

(Sat 9th Jun 2018, 18:30, More)

What's been in my head since I was a child on seeing this LP
I don't have the skills to do it justice - if anyone wants to animate Lou Reed turning into a truck I'd be very happy

(Wed 9th May 2018, 7:57, More)

I'm sorry but I've made a photoshop

(Sun 6th May 2018, 15:55, More)

Freelancer? Flexitime? Self-employed? It’s time to play “working from home bingo”.


10 points for every one you tick off.
(Sun 8th Apr 2018, 20:37, More)

An important message from our friends at UKIP

(Wed 6th May 2015, 19:55, More)

I've made a mug! YAY ROYALS!

(Sat 2nd May 2015, 23:11, More)

» B3ta Person of the Year 2010

Julian Assange
Vote for this and we won't switch it to some twat from Facebook at the last minute.

Although knowing B3ta I imagine Brian Blessed is probably going to win. Or Jeremy the Horse.

For the why?

* For reminding us of that exciting moment in the 90s when geeks got together and muttered, "OMG. The internet will change everything."

* For living out a story better than any fiction that I've read out in yonks.

* For giving us crazy shit to read. I recommend to anyone who's run a website to read the mailing list stuff that an ex wikileak person leaked from when they were setting up the site in 2006/7. These people are geeks arguing about logos. This is what my life is like - except mine doesn't involve mind boggling plans to change governments using a truth bomb.

* For getting himself arrested on (possibly) rape charges for what amounts to shagging the fans. Long term b3tans will remember the lesson of John [*1]. Never, ever, shag the fans.

* For creating the real world theater that shows us how the world works. Hippies go, "it's a fascist dictatorship man" but when you've got the US Airforce closing down access to the Guardian newspaper - this is literally the actions of fascism. The world has been given a mirror and it's ugly.

* For making me believe that the Guardian newspaper is something worth fighting for. Balls of steel. They should have a tip jar where we could give them money or something coz it's not like I want to buy the actual paper as it's all papery, and paywalls just remove you from public debate, so yeah, a big "IF YOU LOVE US, SUPPORT US" button.

* For being a twat who turns up in comedy rap videos. Osama never did this.

[*1 Name changed to protect the innocent etc]
(Thu 16th Dec 2010, 10:55, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

i've noticed a few comments going, "Where's your story Rob?"
Ok. I set the question. It's only fair I humiliate myself in public too.

I was 13 and full of the joys of youthful self-abuse. Nothing would stop me. I'd have a wank in the shower in the morning. Nip home from school, slip in a quick lunchtime wank. Get home after school, and I'd normally find time for a fast tug in the ad-break in Home & Away.

Basically I'm saying I liked wanking - and here comes the shame.

Me and my parents were in the car off to visit my gran. Things got a little tense - as they do when you're a sulky teenage boy at war with the world.

I can't remember what my Dad said, but retorted by calling him a wanker. I was pretty impressed with myself. I'd never been quite that rude to a parent before.

My mother - to her enternal credit - turns in her seat and goes, "No Rob. You're the wanker."

MY SECRET SHAME! SHE KNEW!

The journey was pretty much silent after that.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 16:45, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

B3ta VS The Mail on Sunday
Seeing as it's Daily Mail week on B3ta, here's a little story from the secret history of this site.

About three years ago a journalist got in touch and asked to use an image from the board to help illustrate the story - I passed on the details to the boarder and it all was fine.

The jouno is very pleased about how this goes and gets in touch to suggest we sort out something regular.

This turns out to be a journalist at The Mail on Sunday. I figure, why not? The boarders whose work gets selected aren't going to turn down the £100 are they? Well, if they do, it's their choice.

Anyway, B3ta getting pics into the heart of The Mail? It's just funny. And sure to go wrong.

We don't mention this on the front page as "B3ta do deal with the Daily Mail" isn't really a story we want doing the rounds, anyway we hadn't - we'd just said we'd informally pass on contact details if they wanted to get the rights to use something, like we would with anyone who got in touch.

So the first pic goes in. And guess what happens?

A random boarder notices, ignores that the image is credited, doesn't bother contacting me or actual owner of the image, they just post on the board that The Mail is stealing board pics. The board then digs out the journalists email address and sticks that on the board too.

So the first I hear of it is the journalist complaining that he's recieved 50 or 60 personal emails calling him a rapist, scum sucking whore bitch, and a theif.

So of course, the one time a news organisation attempts to play it right by B3ta they get a shit load of personal abuse and gives up.

Way to go B3tans!
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 14:06, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

This very QOTW came about with a chat with Fraser and Chthonic in the pub.
We were there to discuss "ideas for image challenges and QOTWs for B3ta."

Someone suggested "I met a weirdo on the interweb ..." and I looked about the table and said, "er... I only know you two guys because of B3ta."

There was a small silence, then a bit of laughter, then general agreement that it was a good question for you lot.
(Tue 21st Mar 2006, 2:21, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

The Greatest Living Artist of his Generation
About 8 years ago I had a bit of a turn and thought I'd re-invent myself from a web page monkey into "The Greatest Living Artist of his Generation."

I photoshopped up X-rays of my arse with objects shoved up them. Did an alphabet, "A is for abacus" etc. Printed it on acetate and backlit it. I titled it, "My arse, a retrospective. A retrosepctive, my arse."

I sort to follow on from my fantastically successful first exhibition (er.. Insisting it was stuck on my mates wall, and sticking a 50k price tag on it.) with

* dreams of building a huge wicker Model T and filling it full of cars and burning it. Some kind of protest againts the Oil industry or something.

* a huge statue of me with my bronze cock out in the centre of Wolverhampton. "Portrait of an artist as a well hung man" It would spunk ball bearings on national holidays I think.

* there was definately something about getting my head on stamps. I remember posting letters to friends with my own stamps.

Then I calmed down a bit a realised I was being a pretentious twat and realised I could muck about on the web instead and we don't have to call it art, we can call it bollocks.
Huzzah.
(Wed 28th Sep 2005, 14:54, More)