I can see why people do drugs. Cheaper than reality.
Teenage fantasy dream to be in a band. It's not that difficult- there will always be a gap in the talent credentials for someone to fill in, i.e. bass player. Was in a band. Fronted band when singer (clasically trained operatic diva sister of the keyboard player) went off to pursue more Thomas Tallis-related projects. Band unfortunately was in 6th form college so time dictated that eventually we would all finish our A-levels and go our separate ways. Never mind, I got to wear a cape on stage. Was not booed off. Audience obviously young and naive and had a lot to learn about what was boo-worthy.

Get to drive an offroader like it was in an episode of Top Gear? I currently work for L!nd R&ver (on contract but on and off for 11 years, I'm pretty much a fixture). One of my earlier tasks was to fix prototypes up to correct Dynamic Stability Control system issues, i.e. recalibrate sensors, read diagnostic fault codes and fix wiring issues, then take it out to the sand pit or the low speed endurance circuit and basically thrash the prototype car to make sure it wouldn't fail when taken to a facility like Millbrook or MIRA or Lommel or Nardo for endurance testing. Quite important that they work when at a test facility at (£unknown thousands) a day so it's considered a bad show if they arrive unable to do the testing in their booked slot which may not become vacant again for weeks- better give it some REALLY GOOD PUNISHMENT just to be sure...

On the other hand when you're arm-deep in mud and cack from probing behind a wheel arch liner of a car that has just come back from Eastnor Castle (where the deer roam wild and crap freely), trying to scrabble for a pass-through connector so you can probe a pin to read a sensor feed, it's a real bump-down-to-earth moment. But when you need to prove you have fixed it, i.e. take the car back out for a good razzing on the Gaydon proving grounds (LOL he said Gay) to make sure nothing crucial rattles loose before it gets shipped off then you can allow yourself a certain amount of satisfaction in sideways sliding across inlaid greasy cobbles at full throttle. You have to make the car lose traction to prove the traction control is working, AMIRITE?

Also worked at Aston Martin inbetween working at JLR- such is the nature of contracts and working on specific products... I don't tend to wank off over my time on Ford Transits at Dunton, for example.

But I digress. Driving an Aston Martin that doesn't belong to you. Yes, you can press the pedal to the floor and get to where you are pointed very very quickly along to the soundtrack of a bellowing bull or a yodelling wookie (depending on the V12 or V8 in the car you are testing) and pretend you are the owner of a £100,000-£300,00 car but you don't want to be remembered by your colleages as That Wanker Who Returned Shame-Faced To The Factory With a Collection of Smithereens on The Back of a Recovery Truck and forever being known by the production line staff as 'Him who who parks it backwards and upside down in a tree because he was showing off in an insanely powered rear-wheel drive car as he gave the throttle an unwise blip as he exitted a roundabout in the wet".

Besides, that's just the retail price of the car, a prototype costs a shitload more than that. I did sign up for liability insurance before I took on the job, just in case I fucked up and they asked me nicely how I was going to remunerate them for the prototype I might have snapped in two on a motorway bridge support (Contractors do have to worry about these things, however unlikely...).

In truth you drive it like a nun because it does not belong to you and your job kinda relies on you bringing it back without twigs and leaves stuck in the windscreen wipers and you ejected through the windscreen only to be found in a wooded copse some 200 yards away.

I have also had sex with a lady. A consenting one. Of above legal age and of sound mind. While she also was awake. Without paying for it. Stop it.

(That's one thing b3ta and The Law teaches you, check your statements for ambiguities and plug them)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 14 Feb 2014, 4:50, 3 replies)

I've got two sheds.

(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 10:56, closed)

We have a winner.

(username failed moderation, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 11:33, closed)

This is all fine and dandy
...but who exactly did you plug?
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 14 Feb 2014, 14:40, closed)

You like plugging ambiguous things, don't you...

(MrTrick, Mon 17 Feb 2014, 0:56, closed)