The tale of Rob and his paper bag
Apologies for length in advance, this is going to be pretty long but it is one of the incidents that has happened to me that I have been waiting to use in a QOTW.

I have mentioned my old housemate Rob a few times before on this site, this is the story that everyone who knows him will bring it up every so often and happened when he was still at my place (He rented a room off of me).

The house was never the cleanest place, we were a couple of young free and single blokes that only wanted to go out, get drunk and have a laugh. As time passed I met a rather hot young woman who I started dating and eventually moved into the place with us (Referred to as C), Rob was getting pretty serious with a woman himself and he had been seeing on and off for a while and eventually decided to take the plunge and move in with her instead.

Rob sorted out a moving van and both me and C decided to offer our help clearing out his room, a place I had not been in since we decorated it prior to him moving in. Oh.Dear.God.

The first thing we realised was that you could not see the carpet. It was covered in a layer of dirty clothes that Rob had placed in appropriate zones for each occasion. The side of his bed was the part he labelled football shirts for playing 5 a side footy each week, the foot of the bed was his going out clothes and the far end of the room was where he kept his (Rather mouldy looking) Kwik Save uniforms.
My other half chipped in

C: Erm Rob why don’t you wash this stuff, I always ask you if you needed anything when I was doing a load?
Rob: I didn’t want you to spend your time washing my stuff in the sink or bath, If I get it really filthy I can do it myself
C: Rob we have a washing machine downstairs in the kitchen
Rob: Where?
Me: That big white thing as you go in the kitchen, you cant miss it mate I showed it to you when you moved in, and you cant help but hear it when its on every couple of days
Rob: Oh yeah…..Never mind maybe later they still have a few more wears in them
Me: Rob what about the smell of sweat you can see the dried sweat patches under the arms of this one
Rob: That’s what the air fresheners I bought are for (Douses air with a peach air freshener). Noone is bothered when you go out anyway
(Me and C give each other a worried look)

Eventually we cleared the floor and moved the clothing bags out to his car (6 bin bags full of sweaty clothing that he admitted had been hardly washed in the 3 years he had been living with me). Worse was yet to come. During the cleanup operation we also found a number of yogurts Rob had decided to eat in bed and had left them on the floor after eating them, never taking the empty pots or cutlery downstairs with him, the result was a number of spoon totally unusable as the spoons had welded themselves to the plastic pot thanks to the small amount of leftover yogurt in the bottom. At this point I was wondering how the hell I hadn’t noticed the smell until I was interrupted by C screaming. She had picked up a paper bag from the side of Robs bed and looked into it to see if there was anything in it before throwing it away.

She had found condoms. Used ones that were rather fragrant from the look of it. I knew that Robs other half had not been over since last weekend.

Me: Rob, Why the hell do you have a bag of used johnny’s? I know it can be a bit of a chore getting rid of the thing after sex but try and throw it the morning after, your missuis hasn't been here since last Saturday.
Rob: Oh that’s not from one nights effort. Thats my shag bag, I’ve been keeping it since I moved in to see how many times I’ve fucked someone
Me:So that bags got 3 years worth of used condoms in
Rob: Yup, well the ones that I had to use protection with anyway, any others I decided to go au natural with I made a biro mark on the side of the bag
C (in-between gipping from the nose full of crusty jizz tainted air she just got from opening the bag): Why the hell would anyone do that?
Rob: Urm… to show your mates?
Me: Seriously mate keep notes in a diary or something that’s wrong. (Who the hell would want to see this?)
Rob: Sod that, women would think you were weird writing stuff in a book after doing them
C: And keeping all the used condoms isn’t?

Despite our protests Rob still took the bag with him. I have missed a lot of the other basic food related crap we found but the post was starting to look a bit epic and a reminder of the condom bag left me feeling a little off. Thank god he was too lazy to make a scrap book.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 11:09, 5 replies)

I'm sorry...
...but this has to win, just for sheer unpleasantness.
(Mork, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 11:29, closed)

i really really really don't like this -but have a click
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 11:39, closed)

Thanks
Just be glad that you didn't have to handle the stuff

(Pukes over Keyboard)
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 11:42, closed)

This
is truly fucking DISTURBING... Have a click for making me feel... dirty.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 13:03, closed)

Eesh!
So, Rob took his 'trophy' bag with him when he moved in with his girlfriend.

He sounds like quite a catch. Lucky girl. o_O
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 16:59, closed)