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This is a question Housemates From Hell III

I once had a flatmate who was so lazy he had a fungus growing in a cup in his bedroom - it was white and whispy so he nicknamed it "Albert". Tell us your tale of living with the disturbed, the odd, the fragile and the downright filthy.

(, Thu 12 Mar 2015, 17:40)
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Where to begin? So some background. We’d known each other since we were 5 and we were ‘best mates’. She’d had a very troubled upbringing and taking lots of drugs in her teens didn’t help an already fragile mind. Over time she'd also developed an alcohol problem and was definitely not nice to be around when drunk. Anyway – fast forward some years, we were still friends and ended up sharing a flat.

It’s probably easier if I just list some incidents that spring to mind.

The no legged tramp.
Whilst out drunk one night, she came across a tramp with no legs in a wheelchair and decided to wheel him back to our flat. She bathed him and cut his hair (despite his protestations) and we found bits of his matted hair round the flat for weeks. He also left an oily stain on the sofa that never did go away.

Hammer time.
She was seeing a married man who was stringing her along claiming he was 'definitely going to leave his wife'. We could all see that this would never happen. She couldn’t. She finally flipped about it one night and after a blazing row with him and took a hammer to a car. Not his car…her car. And then she smashed the front room windows of the flat for good measure.

As I mentioned, she’d had a troubled upbringing and she was always looking for validation and attention. We’d had a few friends over and everyone was pretty merry. She wasn’t the centre of attention so ran off to her room. She came back dressed in a bikini and a raincoat and proceeded to do cartwheels through the living room....straight through a glass door and straight to A&E.

Pepper spray
I’m not entirely sure why she had pepper spray or where it came from, but one night after a few drinks she decided to try it out by spraying it in a room with closed windows.
Needless to say we were all puking and crying within minutes. That stuff is horrific. If that wasn’t bad enough – when we’d recovered she did it again ‘just to make sure’.

I don’t know whether it was alcohol related or if she had a weak bladder, but she was forever pissing herself. In her bed, on the sofa and once on the kitchen floor.

She joined the Socialist Workers Party and decided that when they were having national conventions in London - our flat was a great place for loads of out of town people to stay. Except she didn’t tell me or our other flatmate. She didn’t seem to understand that we’d be a bit annoyed waking up to 15 people in our living room furious at us for making noise in the morning (making a cup of tea).

Toffee cake
As I mentioned, she’d crave attention and do weird things to get it. She’d been out for the night and brought a couple of her male colleagues back. We were sitting round chatting and she obviously wasn’t getting the attention she wanted. So she went into the kitchen and got a Sara Lee Toffee cake out of the fridge, and proceeded to pull down her knickers and stuff the cake into her muff shouting 'I love cake'. What bothers me most about this whole thing is that one of the guys slept with her that night. Cakey cock.
(, Thu 19 Mar 2015, 14:22, Reply)

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