Twas I...
Took me a while to figure it out but I realised I was the housemate from hell.

London 1991. Near Battersea. Got a house with a de-mob happy ex-soldier, recently back from Gulf shennanigans ("i saw some shit man...", think Michael from Alan Partridge, "aye man, an' killin'") and itching to get a room to basically fuck lots of women.

Rent, 600 a month for a nice gaff. Had a spare room (it was a while back) which we sublet to a lovely looking girl called Beth. We charged her £400 a month, so we only had to pay £100 a month each. Marvellous.

She was a mistake. From day one, pain in the arse. Not a bad person, just very very annoying to us and had the house filled with drying hosiery everywhere, not the nice stuff, just the nasty brown stuff that bank robbers use.

She got a boyfriend, a rather well do to chap called Jonathon. Jonathon had connections to the 'palace'. Beth was very excited and talked incessantly about an upcoming dinner at the Palace she would be going to in 4 months time. The more she talked, the more we went to the pub.

Where we hatched a plan so heinous, it couldnt possibly, possibly ever work.

Beth needed to lose weight. Her words. She needed to drop a stone to get in to the dress she bought 2 sizes too small for the Palace 'gig'. We heard nothing else. She went on the slim fast diet. She was good, one shake for brekky, one for lunch. Sensible steamed food for dinner.

After one month, Beth has put on a pound. Never mind, the book said this was normal, it only meant more would fall off quicker the next month. Just to be sure, dinner was replaced with a slimfast shake.

2 months. 6 pounds heavier than the start. Panic kicks in. Drops the lunch shake. 2 shakes a day - but maybe binge eating chocolate with some possible throwing up later.

3 months. 9 pounds heavier. Only 1 stone 9 pounds to drop in a month. Beth was Panic Personified.

Beth worked in sales. Sales people like to fuck off early on fridays and go to the pub and drink with other salespeople.

Not this Friday. Beth came home early. Us dossers didnt really have much to come home early from. We froze in the kitchen, as we heard her come in. We looked at each other, panicked as the kitchen door opened. We stared at her as she stared at the contents of the table we were sat at.

It took her a few seconds to figure out what the two very large mounds of powder were. One was obviously her slimfast. The other, judging by the empty cans lying around, bodybuilding protein shake-mix, 'extra-strength'.

We had been replacing her slimfast from pretty much day 1 with the protein mix, designed to help people build muscle mass quickly. She turned and ran. She left 2 days later without saying a word.

I was the housemate from hell. In fairness, so was Goz the squaddie but I dont know where he is now.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 6 Apr 2007, 11:15, Reply)