Another one from music college...
Twas the night before my mid-year scale exam. This was a hideous experience notorious for weeding out the people who weren't tough enough - give them hell halfway through first year so that they can have their nervous breakdowns nice and early, that was their motto. Anyway, I'd practised all I possibly could and settled down for an early night.

My (all female) flatmates were fully aware of the fact that it was my scale exam the next day. So I was rather pissed off to be awoken at midnight by girly shrieks from the bedroom next door. I staggered in in my pyjamas to see what all the fuss was about. May-Ying adopted a suitably scandalised expression and said, "Maria, tell her!" Maria drew herself up, looked incredibly proud and distinguished and declared, "I have just masturbated."

Me: Whaaaaaaat?
Maria: I have just masturbated!
Me: What, in front of everyone???!!
Maria: No, I went into the other room!
May-Ying: How often do you masturbate?
Maria: Once every two weeks
Anna: Is that all?
Maria: How often do you masturbate?
Anna: Three times a week at least
Maria: I don't need to more than once every two weeks
Me: You make it sound like you have a date in your diary! 3.30 - Dentists 4.30 - Have a wank
Maria: Que? Nooooo, I just do it when I feel like it, which is once every two weeks
May-Ying: Do you have to use extra lubrication?
Me: LALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 9 Apr 2007, 21:56, Reply)