where to start
i suppose sharing a kitchen in halls counts as a flatmate, particularly as our area was blocked off from the rest of the maze of rooms, in a little scabby pod of our own. We had mushrooms growing on the walls. But I digress.

I've mentioned him before, I'm sure. Short, fat hairy Frenchman, who cooked only the most foul-smelling food; had no concept of body space (walked right up against you to have any type of conversation); had an inch-thick layer of hair all over his body, lifting his clothes above his skin said amount, creating an insulating layer causing sweat of a sour-milk/garlic scent to constantly waft from him; would listen to conversations in the kitchen through a crack in his wall, and if he vaguely suspected anything sexual or illicit in these conversations would race from his room into the kitchen, full pelt, unaware we could hear him running; most odious personality I have ever encountered, and aggressive (SCREAMING in my roommate's face when the boys she was with decided to leave a club early- no, I don't know why he chose to scream at her (presumably, didn't feel up to shouting at men) either, but I gave him a massive b******ing for it, and we hated each other ever after); talked rather too much about his mother, in a disturbingly overtly sexual manner; kept asking my roommate to pose naked for him; constantly boasted about the one sexual exploit he experienced during the year... odious. You get the idea.

Otherwise my 'favourite' is the female housemate I had in my shared house. In the first year she was in our flat, she constantly auditioned men to be her boyfriend, all of whom were ugly as sin, and generally monosyllabic, but usually either rolling in dough, or highly proficient at Photoshop, her preferred course medium. Which meant she either had everything bought for her, or all her coursework completed by eager, panting men, which is odd as she really wasn't all that pretty (she had an inferiority complex somewhat, as her sister was apparently a stunning ex-underwear model who ran a successful london club), and didn't put out (until later with just one - see below). She barely spoke, when she did it was to giggle coquettishly (which just made us other three hardworking, non-manipultive girl housemates hate her more). She ate nothing but frozen stew for the first year, and didn't know what herbs were. (Conversation: me and male housemate - "um, G, are you just going to eat that heated tinned tomato on toast? would you not like some herbs, like oregano?" Her - "Um, what's oregano? *giggle*"). She was just the most annoying person ever - who genuinely LIKES giant fluffy teddies holding hearts saying "I WUV U"? Really, who? G did. She also refused to speak or bond with us, instead preferring to hide in what we later began to refer to as her 'penthouse' (top floor room, with a bathroom next door).

Oh yes, and there was the time her mobile rang the house phone, but we couldn't hang up as it kept the line open. We tried shouting down the phone, screaming, then got creative (bongo drums, kazoos, bass bins blasting "super sharp shooter"...). After about an hour we gave up, and started listening in. She was dumping one of her minions, who had burst into tears and was pleading with her to take it back. The conversation was sheer schadenfreud joy - his booming histronics, her inability to converse with actual words - it was one of the funniest things we'd ever heard. Like a mime breaking up with Brain Blessed. Hilarious. One of the best free night's entertainment we had. She never found out.

At one of our house parties, one of the guests came up to me and said "how about that whole sex in the pipes thing, eh?". Um, what?, says I. "You know, how you can hear G* having sex through the pipes and radiators". I was a bit puzzled. This story had gotten around a whole party before reaching me, and I had no idea.

See, I sleep like a log. Once I'm asleep, I stay asleep. My housemates, however, slept lighter than me. Apparently, at night (when the plumbing stopped moving around), G would have vigorous, noisy sex. Walls are quite thick in large Georgian buildings, but plumbing can carry sound well, particularly when you use the radiator as 'support'. So whilst she was being hammered away at, her grunts and moans were carried through the quiet pipes around the whole house, crystal clear, for everyone to hear. After a while, my housemates would start dropping sexual petnames/conversations/dirty talk she and her boyfriend had into everyday conversations with her. I truly believe she never caught on, despite the weekly updates we'd give everyone on our course.

We really didn't like her very much.

*name changed to protect the truly irritating.

my rant is over.

edit: this does make me seem like a bit of a behatch. But she was truly the most soul-sapping person I have ever met, as well as the most manipulative and devious, as well as quite stupid. She was lots of bad things. And vacuous - when she finally slimmed down to the size 8 she'd wanted always to be, her first project was self-titled, and all about how slim she was, and her size of jeans and bra size. Being exactly the same size as her new 'improved' self, I actually found this even more insulting and insensitive, particularly when she started giving me diet advice to lose 'a few pounds'. I'M THE SAME SIZE. And it didn't improve her personality one iota, rubbing it in the faces of the non-size-8 girls constantly at group crits. What a cow. The tutors only found out after grades had been handed out that her boyfriend had done all the work in her final show. At that point they realised why we disliked her so, as we were too nice to say at the time. Most annoying person ever.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Tue 10 Apr 2007, 16:25, Reply)