Bad housemates? Let me see...
I have over the years had THE most disgraceful and disgusting collection of fiends live wth me.

First off there was Jake the wanker. And what a wanker he was. Quite literally. If he didn't visit barclays bank three times a day it must have been some sort of religious holiday. Now I'm perfectly fine with a man flogging the bishop but he was so bloody obvious about it, and he'd do it over the slightest thing, one time over some fat bird discussing her orgys on Jeremy Kyle. The worst part was finding his ...erm... fluids all over the flat. Firstly it was all over the back of the toilet, his aim was quite poor, and once you've noticed it once you cant help but find it everywhere. Everytime you discover a funny smell, or stand in something wet it's always in the back of your mind. The final straw came when I was doing the laundry and discovered the crusiest, dirtiest, most disgusting bedsheet I have ever seen, with what I'm sure was fungus growing on it. "Oh dear Jake." I say to myself. Then it clicks. That is my bedsheet. From my bed. I have never wanked in my bed. Bye bye Jake.

Next was Alex. I'd say 20% of us have had this kind of flatmate- the thief. First they mention how they have no money hence their lack of food. You feel a bit sorry for them so you let them sponge. Then you notice your money begins to go missing. Then a friend tells you how they saw them stea your money. Then you lock them and their stuff out of the flat and tell them to fuck off unless they want the shit kicked out of them (by my big friend) and their mother humiliated (by me).

After a brief stint with Liam who loved to flash me (HUGE!) I was back on bodily functions with Mike who's habit I discovered after one night of heavy drinking. I woke up, went to the toilet to find a turd sitting right by the loo. The dirty bastard had missed the freaking toilet with the biggest dump I'd ever seen, but seeing as he was a good friend and had been very drunk I let it slide. Then I went into the kitchen to find a poo on the table. "Well this is odd" I tell myself. But, when Mike ges up he is very apologetic and cleans up very thoroughly. "Ah, he's not so bad," I say to myself as I get a pringle. Wait. These pringles feel oddly soft. And squishy. And- "Oh my God!! You shat in the pringles tube you utter fuck!!" I withdrew my hand which was now covered in poo and ran to the toilet where I threw up twice and then showered for an hour. I should have kicked him out then but,kindly I let it slide. Sadly the pooing didnt stop there. 1 in every 3 times we'd go out I'd wake up to find shit all over the house, and in the oddest places. These included (but were not limited to) the couch, the top of the television, under he welcome mat, at the foot of my bed, and, most bizarrely of all, in the oven. Eventually I kicked him out, but scarily am still very good friends with him.

If you click "I Like This" I'll get some proper friends.

Oh and I forgot to mention. I now live alone.
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Tue 10 Apr 2007, 19:29, Reply)