chris the army reservist pyromaniac.
I once made a hasty decision on a housemate and ignored all the important lessons I'd learned in previous houses. We will call this housemate Chris, because that is his real name. Chris, if you're reading this, FUCK OFF.

My brilliant housemate Angela was moving out with her abusive boyfriend. Chris was mates with the abuser, but I was foolishly thinking with my wallet and so I said said, "Sure. He seems fine. Nice and quiet." Bad, bad move.

Chris turned out to be a part-time army reservist and security guard, along with all that entails (gun loony, incredibly stupid, liked blowing shit up). He had something very wrong with his body odour; I'm not exaggerating when I saw he smelled like a rubbish tip and I could tell when he had taken off his shoes even if I was in the other end of the house.

He was also a pyromaniac. I'm no snitch, but if anyone wants to know who started a bushfire out in Creswick a few years ago, ask Chris.

His diet revolved around cheap processed cheese. The only things he knew how to 'cook' (put in the microwave or under the griller) were nasty nachos using spaghetti sauce and this shit he called "pizza", which was a slice of bread, the aforementioned spaghetti sauce and a slice of that individually wrapped plastic cheese. As a consequence, he had persistent yellow stains in the corners of his mouth.

He also had an incredibly annoying habit of trying to copy pictures of large breasted women from superhero comic books while watching the telly. It was like outsider art, but inside my house.

When I finally managed to move out, he was super dodgy with the final rent, bills etc. Then he insisted that I owed him money. I went through the math with him and eventually he moved on. Or so I thought. Visiting the town about five years later, I ran into Angela. Trying to contain her laughter, she told me she ran into Chris and he wanted to take me to small claims court. Over $60. Five years afterwards.

PS Just before I left, I let a stray cat into Chris' room and locked it in. It did liquid shit in two spots, including on his bed. I then blamed him for leaving his window open.
(cobrasexual, Wed 11 Apr 2007, 8:51, Reply)