Certain stock phrases
Many of these stick in my craw like a sideways-swallowed twiglet, but these are my personal bete-noirs. Each must be uttered in a bored voice pitched somewhere between command and petulant nagging. They are real-world examples of Orwell's Newspeak.

"At this time." First employed by American flight attendants, but frequently encountered emerging from the pustulous lips of any number of hi-viz-jacketed figures of limited authority. Used because it is believed to represent a less commanding, more consultative alternative to "now," a word hated in modern bureaucratic circles because of it's un-euphemistic lack of ambiguity, and, for all I know, it's potential for offending the noble, climate-change-threatened Nao tribespeople who dwell around the Marquesas island mountain of the same name.

"Customers," used to refer to passengers using public transport. The word's implication of service, choice and accountability paint a picture of Postman Pat-esque public servants whose very life is given deep meaning by the prospect of helping people get to work in lavender-scented comfort at Star Trek speed with mid-century Fascist dictatorship standards of reliability. This is, of course, entirely opposed to the reality of the comeback-free, shouty, sweaty hell most city dwellers endure for the lack of even a completely improbable alternative.

Institutional expressions of emotion of any kind. Particularly excitement or regret. A corporate body is incapable of experiencing feelings (barring the unusual, such as a fire which kills lovable old Terry from the stockroom three days before his retirement), but that doesn't stop the Royal Mail, with their stupid "Sorry you were out" cards, from attempting to put on a concerned, frowny face like the one my wife gets when I start ranting about the state of the world and she thinks I'm going to have a heart attack, but I know at least 10% of her is wondering how much effort it'll be to claim on the life insurance, you know the face. Anyway, the paper isn't sorry. The institution isn't sorry. The postman probably is because he'll have to carry my consignment of rare Russian onyx love eggs back to the van, but that's about it.

A sincere expression of regret from an employee who is genuinely trying to do the best they can to help fix my problem? That's fine and is indeed appreciated. Expecting me to feel better because some computer-generated form letter has a rote apology written on it in 1993 by a team of lawyers certainly isn't.
( Scrumper, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 18:41, 3 replies)

Meaningless apologies FTL
Back when I used to live in a small town in the London area and commute to and from work every day, I had the choice of taking the slow train from London or taking the fast one and changing at East Croydon. Unless I was extremely knackered the fast one usually won the day, so most evenings I found myself loitering at East Croydon station (probably the South's chavscum mother lode). My connecting train was always late. Now, when people say "always late", they're usually exaggerating a little bit, to give an idea of their general frustration with the situation. This train was always late. Every single day.

This meant I got to listen to the automated station announcer gnome run through his stock phrases.

"The 22:17 train to xxx will be 5 minutes late. We are sorry for the inconvenience this may cause."

"The 22:17 train to xxx will by 10 minutes late. We are very sorry for the inconvenience this may cause."

"The 22:17 train to xxx will be 20 minutes late. We are extremely sorry for the inconvenience this may cause."

then, on bad days, :

"The 22:17 train to xxx has been cancelled. Blah-Blah Shit Train Company asks passengers to accept its sincere apologies for the inconvenience caused."

Heart-unfelt apologies are not what you want to hear when you're freezing your nads off but don't dare to jump up and down to keep warm in case you get knifed.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 19:32, closed)

or the even worse announcements at birmingham
where the automated voice says *I* am really sorry for the inconvenience.

so they're shifting the entire blame onto the automated announcing machine. can i shout at that? can i write it a letter? who do i address it to?
( Spunky McPunk not dead yet, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 20:19, closed)

agreed, that is fucking grating...every single day.
Who is "I"? I want to know. I know it's both a he and a she, but who are they?
(shanterbabs, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 1:18, closed)