Un Correspondence pour "The Beef"
Dear Shia LeBoeuf,

I'm writing to you on behalf of my childhood, and the childhood of my entire generation. This may seem like a strange way to start a letter, especially when you consider that I'm only a spattering of months older than you.

However that narrow gap in age means that you may be able to empathise more closely with my thoughts and feelings. You see Shia, like many boys of our generation I loved TV. Yes, I harboured dreams of one day going outside and kicking a ball without ending up arse-down in the mud, but it was the comforting busom of TV that served as my childhood companion.

You may remember, as I do, watching cartoons that were little better than adverts for amazing toys. Toys that turned from a plane, into a robot, into a pile of broken and twisted plastic. I know you'll remember these amazing cartoons, and I sincerely hope that your memories aren't as bittersweet as mine.

You see, whereas my formative years were spent rapaciously devouring AV content from the television, I grew up into a bit of an Internet nerd. And one fine summer's eve, I received an email containing this footage.

Imagine my excitement! 90 minutes of those toys I'd grown up with, beating lumps of leaden shite out of each other in glorious HD. Yes, Michael Bay's stink was all over it, but surely that meant BIGGER EXPLOSIONS! My excitement was uncontainable.

Release day. I took my girlfriend. It was our anniversary. I settled down and waited for the robot slugfest.

I expected mechanical monsters. Let me tell you, there was more hi-tech machinery and cold metal involved in the post-movie anniversary celebrations (but I digress)...

Back to the film. I expected robot warfare. I got you. You. You absolute cockend.

What felt like 6 hours of "The Boring Life of the Pissarse Shia LeBoeuf". The trials of your incontinent dog. The tribulations of your lust for an inanimate (and barely lifelike) plastic and rubber doll. The sheer horror of your gurning fucking face on an IMAX fucking screen whilst we HEARD THE SOUNDS OF AN EPIC ROBOT BATTLE.

Fuck you man. What were you thinking? Bay didn't understand. Bay wasn't there. But you? You were a mid-80s kid. You were one of us. And you still thought that we'd rather see YOU than OPTIMUS PRIME.

Thanks to you, one of my treasured childhood memories has been wiped across the Hollywood doormat like so much congealed dogshit.

I swear to Christ. If you ever so much as look at Indiana Jones, I'll be the last thing you do see.

Wait. Indiana Jones and the Crystal What??

I'm coming for you Beef.

Yours Sincerely,

Psycorp603
(Psycorp603, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 18:00, 7 replies)

This is possibly the saddest one of them all.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 7:25, closed)

I agree.
It really is so unfair.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 9:53, closed)

The horror
It hurt me. Deeply. More deeply than a hundred identikit "why did you dump me" QotW answers.
(Psycorp603, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 20:26, closed)

Is beef the real beef
Should we ultimately blame this poor moron, lets face it anyone who was offered a chance to appear with their childhood heroes would jump at the chance, especially if cash was involved.

I personally blame all these 'focus groups' who think that a story needs something as trivial as a plot, a love interest etc.

They do it with everything now even war movies, I'd be happy with 2 hours of Transformers tag team across a city smashing the hell out of each other.

Blame the dick who cast beef

He's still a crap actor though
(bluehamster, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 11:22, closed)

And isn't that part of the problem?
Would a less weasel-faced, more convincing actor not have made Transformers less shite?
(Psycorp603, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 20:37, closed)

He'd have been still up against a scarcely plotted, borderline offensive at times advert for toys that, in retrospect, weren't really that great in the first place.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 12:42, closed)

True, I guess.
You've put this in the QOTW fail archive. I'm honoured! Lasting fame is at last mine!
(Psycorp603, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:25, closed)