Coitus Interruptus
Contrary to the initial impressions conveyed by the aged Mitsubishi Pajero on their drive and the fact that they named their teenage daughter "Charmaine", my old neighbours were as good as gold. Both heavy smokers in their late fifties, he was apparently invalided from work due to him having only two-thirds of a lung left - a fact that we were gleefully informed of by his wife in between her Lambert & Butler fuelled coughing fits. However, they went out of their way to welcome us to the neighbourhood and regularly popped round for cake and gossip, they were real, salt of the earth, rough diamond types you couldn’t help but warm to, as I did when they volunteered to help redecorate my bathroom and refused my offer of payment.

Now even the most perfect of neighbours can irritate at the best of times and sure enough, mine struck gold the very next Sunday morning.
As I opened my eyes to the golden sunlight streaming in through the curtains, I was overcome by the urge to indulge in some sweet lovin’ with the missus who was by now quite keen for a lazy game of Hide-The-Sausage as evidenced by her wandering, warm hands.

Game on.

The thought that we weren’t the only couple in the street doing the no pants dance didn’t really occur to me until it was too late.

*ker-thump!* *ker-thump!* *ker-thump!*

The neighbourly headboard was banging a rhythm against the wall, I tried to blot it out, but what followed next well and truly killed our ardour.

“Gargle… hack-hack, argh…” *Ker-thump* “Argh… Gargle”

Try to imagine the noise a pair of out of shape middle aged folk with only one and a half barely functioning lungs between them might make while attempting to rut like horny teenagers. Disgusting isn’t it?

For those of you not blessed of such imagination it was like listening to someone gargling raw eggs while their coital partner was having their throat cut.

But then they did bake a lovely Victoria sponge.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 Oct 2009, 14:53, 1 reply)

"gargling raw eggs"
*heaves*
*clicks*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 14:18, closed)