sharks, germans and e.t
about 15 years ago, i was in the habit of spending my weekends getting pissed with my mate debbie an her then-boyfriend,glyn. the pub we went to wasn't the greatest, but it was friendly and the booze was cheap.
one friday night, debbie phoned to tell me there was a hypnotist at the pub that night. thinking it'd be a good laugh, we decided to go.
i had no intention of getting up on stage, until debbie dared me to. childish, i know. i said no, so she threw down a challenge: if she could down her pint faster than i could drink mine, i'd get up on stage. if i won, she'd stop asking me. i thought i was safe, she'd never managed to beat me at the pint-drinking before. unfortunately for me, she'd obviously been practicing. having already given my word, i had no choice. i got up.
now, before this, i'd always believed hypnosis to be utter bollocks, so i wasn't really worried. as i sat there with my eyes closed, the hypnotist told me(and everyone else on the stage, i wasn't the only saddo up there) to put my arms out in front of me. he then did his hypno-stuff. weirdly, i don't remember exactly what that was. i didn't feel any different, no drowsiness or anything.
then, he says i'm swimming. "yeah, right," i thinks to myself. "what a load of...wait, why are my arms moving? my arms won't stop moving! I CAN'T STOP MY ARMS MOVING!"
and that was it, he'd bloody done it. it's lucky that i can't remember a lot of what i did that night but, among the highlights are:
swimming one-armed away from a shark, which had eaten my other arm.
crying and screaming at an imaginary telly for the bad men to "let poor E.T go!"
crawling along under tables and chairs with a water pistol, looking for german spies
breaking up a party i believed was happening at my parents' house while they were out. i gave debbie a bollocking for that one, i thought she'd invited everyone to my folks' house for this party.
throwing a drink in a man's face for reasons i can't recall
getting "married" to a similarly hypnotised bloke on stage.
it felt like i was up there for about ten minutes, when in fact it was more than 2 hours. it was a very weird feeling, but not half as weird as seeing photos behind the bar a week later of my hypnotic wedding!
2 years those pictures were there, 2 fucking years. i've never gone near a hypnotist again and i don't intend to.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 13:28, 4 replies)

I'd like to do hypnotism. I'd hypnotise bank clerks
and then get them to give me loads of money.

I would hypnotise any plod that caught me to let me go.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 15:14, closed)

he said he couldn't make us do things we wouldn't normally do
i have NEVER cried whilst watching E.T before.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 16:10, closed)

Swimming one armed because the shark had eaten my other arm..
Fantastic.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 20 Aug 2011, 21:27, closed)

it was very weird
i knew my arm was still there, i could even see it, but part of my mind was utterly convinced that it had been eaten!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 21 Aug 2011, 18:49, closed)