Hooers, hairy boils and stinky blowies
Having worked out at an early age that the uglier the woman, the more likely I would be to get a shag, especially when 10 pints in and barely concious, I’ve always made a habit of cracking off with the fattest, most skid-marked, puss ridden lasses possible. Several cases come to mind involving public penetrations.

The first was a woman I met during a lads’ weekend to Blackpool. She was 57 and her husband was at the bar. With a false leg two inches shorter than the good one and a personal shopper at Kwik-Save it was all I could do to try to suck off the hairs on the boil over her lip. 2 Barcadi and Cokes (and a pint for her husband) later I was bouncing off her flaps in the gents, covered in piss and vomitus.

A couple of years later I was with a hooker in a hotel in Cologne. With a colleague in the next bed (hence public) I asked the lass to sit on my face. As I was on the vinegars, one of ‘her’ testicles fell out and landed on my nose. I did the right thing and went off spectaculary a few seconds later but at the time there was an enormous sense of having to crunch the little fella in my teeth. Managed to resist though. Afterwards she nonchalantly popped him back in to the sound of my mate laughing himself silly into his pillow. Lesson learnt and from now on if the hookers stand up to piss I take it as a dead cert sign of future testicular mayhem.

Events hit a new low in Amsterdam where I’d won the yellow jersey for attempting to knock one out on the tube to Heathrow. 12 wanks and 11 hours later I staggered into a wank booth off the main drag only to be followed in by what appeared to be Jocky Wilson in a wig. This unit sat down, unzipped my bags and promptly vommed up all over the new trouser. Such was my state of mind that as she staggered from the booth I made a grab for one of her huge norks only to be rebuffed with a rather manly growl.

There are other episodes in Africa and Easter Europe which are too horrid even for me to go into.
(TrickyWoo, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 10:23, 3 replies)

Should've gone to
Specsavers.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 11:06, closed)

More fuss
needs to be made about this post.

*clicks* for making me feel quite, quite sick while laughing my tits manly pecs off
( chart cat has an itch, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 5:50, closed)

all true
yep - all true and far worse too. I once woke up in a knock shop in Hamburg with a 'nurse' between my legs driving half her fist up my tea-towel holder. My mates put her up to it with a massive cash bribe. No photos were taken though thank God.
(TrickyWoo, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 12:14, closed)