It never happened like this to Frank Spencer
By the age of 16 me and my friends were interested in the same type of things that most boys of that age were- namely rampant self-abuse while thinking of the women that would never sleep with us and growing inadvisable attempts at facial hair in the hope that we would look old enough to be served alcohol.

So it was that on final week before the Easter break none of us shaved in anticipation of hitting the town after the last day of school. We trailed around the local pubs that were known to turn a blind-eye to underagers, getting rather squiffy, all the while stroking our under-developed bum fluff goatees in order to look more sophisticated to the ladies that would never sleep with us.

We were having fantastic fun until we entered one hostelry to be faced with the Maths department from our school. Unbeknownst to us we had arrived at the pub that they regularly used for their end of term piss ups. There was something of a stand-off while we eyed them nervously, discussing whether we should head to another pub and they sniggered into their pints at our nascent facial hair.

"Sod it" we decided- we were full of Dutch courage at this point and any fear we had towards our teachers had long since departed. A good choice as it turned out. After some ribbing to begin they were incredibly good value- even Mr McLean, the scary bear-like head of department.

The real focus of attention of the evening though was the young and incredibly attractive Miss Johnstone. A heaving bosom and penchant for low cut, floaty silk blouses made her a favourite of all the boys. The side of school bore the spray-painted legend 'Miss Johnstone has nips you could dial a telephone with' in her honour. She was a fearsome beast too- a quick temper and was nicknamed 'G.I. Jo' because of her Territorial Army membership.

We all wanted to have a go at chatting her up*- success would ensure that we were spoken of in awe at our school for generations to come. Alas, she spent the night being chatted up by some guy closer to her own age. I spied my chance when he had to go and break the seal. I knew he wouldn't be gone for long, this was my one chance and I had to make it good. I ambled across the room, raking my mind for a great opening line. I gave her a knowing look as I sidled up, alcohol and hormones racing through my veins. About to seal my immortality by shedding my virginity to the hottest teacher in the school, I unleashed my smoothest line:

"Sho who ish that shlimey cunt that yer chatting too?"

"My fiance", came the icy cold reply.

I returned to school after the holidays to two weeks worth of detention.


*Laughable, I know...
(I Was a Teenage Spaceship, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 15:25, 3 replies)

Hmmm...
I'm surprised that nobody has replied to this.
I rather liked it.
( Cawl, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 16:05, closed)

*doffs cap*
Tis very nice of you to say so, Sir. I'm in it for the art, not the glory... maaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
(I Was a Teenage Spaceship, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 16:14, closed)

Have a click
for the 2 weeks of detention.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 17:39, closed)