...Come to think of it I was quite the little cunt.
The first I can remember was in year 2, during breaktime and trying to do some aesthetic regeneration work on a fellow schoolmate, whose name we shall give as *Matthew's face... With my fist. I don't even really remember what I had against the poor lad, just that his face sure would look good on the end of my knuckles.

A year later, in Year 3 I was mincing about in a bookcase with some shit, I was at the back of my class, that happened to back onto another Year 3 class' tables that was also in lesson (my primary school was a little bit cramped at times).

I found some amazingly thick elastic bands in said bookshelf that grabbed my extremely short attention span immediately. I HAD to play with these! Stretchy stretchy stretchy SNAP! Time seemed to slow down to a stop as I watched the now broken elastic band scream off towards the next door class. Right into the face of Matthew. I immediately acted normal, did my best "I'm just a normal student, doing studently things" gig and walked back to my desk.

About 5 minutes later next door's teacher came over and whispered into my teacher's ear and they gave us the old "One of Mr A's students was just hit in the face with a rubber band, who did this?! You totally won't be punished, at least not by us but your dad will likely need a new pair of slippers after the hiding you're going to get" speech and then, when no one owned up to it just kind of huffed and got back to teaching us about whatever it was.

In year 6, Matthew had become that kid that always hung around your social group but was invited by no one and couldn't take the hint to sod off. After school one day, my mum had cheerily volunteered me up to go round to his house for dinner with him after school, much to my chagrin. As we walked to his house, a kid who was well known as the school bully came lumbering along towards us and started laying into Matthew, first verbally and then physically, while I stood aside and did nothing. The bully left me alone since he lived in the same street as my cousin who he was terrified of.

I must've been the bane of his existence for a good 4 years and half of that time I probably wasn't even trying to be mean to him.

When secondary school came around I had a few run-ins with the people in power, the first coming in Year 8, although this one I was kind of shown in a bad light, in part thanks to a classmate's fantastic acting ability in pretending I had punched him, when all I did was ruler flick his ear as I walked by. I received a week of what our school called 'Internal Suspension', which basically meant I was my head of year's personal assistant for the week. He did apologize for his theatrics although, I have to say that it was probably the easiest week of my time there.

Then there was the time I got 2 weeks solid of 2 hour after school detentions with the 'senior management team' for beating up one of my team mates during a football P.E. lesson. In my defense he was a total shithead and had been riling me up the entire lesson with sly comments, although it probably wasn't the best idea to be kicking his arse in front of the vice principle who just happened to be standing in for one of the regular P.E. teachers as referee that day. Massive facepalm moment there once I realized what I'd done about half a second after I threw the first punch.

Year 11 I had what was probably one of my finest escapes from justice; Me and a good friend, Dean were standing with the rest of our social group on lunch break in the main hall doing 'kit bag curling'. A game we had devised where we took another of the group's P.E. kit bag, swinging it then releasing it to slide across the main hall floor.

It usually didn't have much force or velocity, but on this particular day the planets must have aligned and some stars were exploding or some shit and said friend's bag weighed a shitload. Probably on account of him cramming books into his P.E. bag with the rest of his shit, I gave the bag a swing once, twice, thr- SNAP! "FUCK!".

The bag went skimming across the main hall floor like a juggernaut and slammed into a year 7 at knee level. This year 7 looked like he couldn't have weighed much more than the bag did either, and much like those extra slo-mo replays of american footballers getting hit at the knees mid air, this poor bugger flipped almost 180 degrees and slammed headfirst into the floor with a loud crash, his own backpack banging his head into the ground a second time from behind as a final insult that had been levied upon him in the space of about 2 seconds.

The poor bugger was carried off to the nurse's office by some of the older kids that had seen him go down, but oddly enough no one had actually seen who had thrown the bag. Cue another grilling by the vice principle, who looked us all over with those cold, jaded, dead eyes that only an educator that had reached 'lifer' status in the biz could have.

He was just thinking about pointing the accusing finger at us, due to the evidence mostly pointing at us from the direction of travel of the bag, and the force with which it traveled (us being the only year 11s in that part of the hall) I should imagine there was also some DNA tests and ballistics a la CSI going on as he was obviously a supersleuth, but we were saved by none other than the owner of the bag himself.

He had somehow managed to concoct and spin a story to the VP that he was hated by a few sixth formers who on their way through the hall to the field outside and out of the gate to town had grabbed his bag and launched it across the hall as a mean joke.

Top notch acting I must say. I never saw that kid in there on lunchtimes again either until I left a few short months later. We often debated about whether we had actually murdered the poor soul with a P.E. bag, or at the very least instilled a permanent phobia of backpacks in him causing him to become a recluse.

Apologies for length, the wife gives me enough grief about it as it is.

What a massive cunt I was.
(Spackles Made sexual advances in your general direction on, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 5:13, 3 replies)

I wish my school had a vice principle.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Sat 10 Sep 2011, 10:22, closed)

You sound like you were a complete arse.
I hope you've recovered.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 10 Sep 2011, 17:56, closed)

I have not
I'm still suffering from a case of massivetwatitis, unfortunately it is terminal.
(Spackles Made sexual advances in your general direction on, Sun 11 Sep 2011, 3:36, closed)