I used to notice one guy who was always in our street
always going somewhere and usually wearing some kind of moulded, figure-hugging keep-fit gear with a vaguely futuristic look that reminded me of The Operative, the villain from out of Serenity, so I used to refer to him offhand as "that Firefly guy". After we'd been there a while, I started seeing him everywhere, at the corner shop, on my bus in the mornings and always going past while I was tending the front garden. My front garden is the best on the street, incidentally. Two or three times a week people will stop and compliment me on it, mums will point it out to their children and the little old lady who lives on the corner will stop and have the same conversation she had with me last week about it. I digress a bit, but this gets relevant later.

So a couple of weeks ago I was out in the front garden with the missus - she was tending her hanging baskets, I was weeding and the cat was stretched out on the lawn, being a cat. I was bending down, mercilessly slaughtering baby dock leaves by the dozen when I heard in a high pitched voice from behind me:

"Boobie boobie boo! Boobie boobie boo!"

The fuck, I thought, and turned around to find Firefly guy bending over the wall and talking to our cat. "You are beautiful, boobie boobie boo! What's your name, boobie boobie boo?"

The missus looked at me. "Uh, he's called Charlton," I said. "He's, um, our cat." Firefly guy looked away and walked off down the street. "So that's Firefly guy," I said to the missus.

Later, we were chatting to our neighbour over the fence - she's lived in the street for 18 years and knows everyone, in fact I think she was telling us about the phantom shitter at the time - and the missus asked about Firefly guy. "Oh him, he's a psychopath," she said. She went on to tell us that he'd left unsolicited gifts outside her flat, he was especially weird around her children and animals, and eventually she'd had to ask her husband to tell him not to come around any more. Oh, and he's really into Transformers. Gah, I thought. There's no way I can avoid conversation with him. I see him everywhere, he's certainly seen me in a Decepticon T-shirt and my car is an Autobot, for Pete's sake. Small children tap it to see if he'll wake up.

So I spent the next week or so completely avoiding Firefly guy in any way I could. I took an earlier bus, I started working on the back garden more, or I'd watch for him and then go out and do stuff in the front garden once he'd passed. But I got sloppy; one time I was out in the front garden and he walked past and as I straightened up from planting a petunia he was right there. "Lovely work," he said.

"Thanks," I said, and the minimum required conversation done, went back to doing something else. "Keep it up," he said and then went on his way. And then just this Sunday, he saw me in the front garden again, and we had the exact same conversation. Except that time he felt compelled to add: "No bonsai trees, though." I wasn't sure how to take that, so I said "No, not yet," then turned away to do, again, literally anything else.

Yesterday morning I was up early and having a cup of tea in the front room with the curtains drawn when I heard a little noise outside the window about quarter past six. Thinking it was the cat wanting to be let in, I blearily pulled the curtain back to see Firefly guy disappearing up the front path. I don't know what happened after that because I was hiding behind the sofa in case he saw me. When I was sure the coast was clear, I went outside and had a look at the front garden.

In the middle of the table on the patio, was a potted bonsai tree.

It's actually still there. I don't know where he lives, otherwise I'd take it back and firmly refuse his kind but creepy offer.

TL:DR; I've attracted a weird stalker who's leaving me presents. Minimal sci-fi references.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 22:13, 5 replies)

Best get your arsehole
pre-loobed
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Sat 11 Jul 2015, 16:03, closed)

So you didn't like my bonsai tree?
I regret I didn't leave a shit at your front door instead.
(Bosch balls, Sun 12 Jul 2015, 11:43, closed)

Isn't that just wonderful.

( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 12 Jul 2015, 19:10, closed)

your missus was tending her hanging baskets?
Fnarr!
( ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Mon 13 Jul 2015, 1:34, closed)