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This is a question Street Life

'Hi guys!' exclaims JLC. 'I was once offered oral sex by a young man outside my flat, at 7 o'clock on a Monday morning. Tempted as I was, I decided against it and went to work instead'.

Tell us about the funniest/most appalling/most peculiar thing you've seen in the street.

(, Fri 10 Jul 2015, 9:00)
Pages: Popular, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Are we changing the name to
Question every two weeks?
(, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 10:44, Reply)
rachelswipe once called me gay to a homeless man

(, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 8:25, 2 replies)
Its pretty dangerous out there.
Just yesterday I walked into Sainsburys and punched an old lady
(, Thu 16 Jul 2015, 23:18, 2 replies)
I once went to the shop to buy some cucumbers to anally invade myself when I saw an old woman slip and fall over.
(, Thu 16 Jul 2015, 11:26, 3 replies)

 photo Dmov_zpsqpc98r4l.jpg
(, Thu 16 Jul 2015, 11:15, 1 reply)
Photogenic Tramp
I remember once when I headed into town to visit the Bank I saw one of the local vagrants loitering with ill intent. Being a small city, these folks can become familiar - that is, until they snuff it. Anyway, this chap was clearly under the influence of something or other, he was leaping about the place and being a general nuisance. Some Japanese tourists were taking their holiday snaps in front of the landmarks and as the husband posed in a picturesque location, the down-and-out crept up behind him, rested his chin upon the fellows right shoulder and with a manic grin, waited for the wife to take the snap. She muttered to her partner and pointed at him, the Jap turned to his right and with a yell, ran away from the tramp. Shortly the Police arrived, chased after him and told him if he didn't calm down they were going to arrest him.
(, Thu 16 Jul 2015, 3:17, 2 replies)
Opportunistic Pomeranian
I once had a very handsome Pomeranian dog, with the brightest eyes and long, luxurious black hair. One evening, I was walking him on the street in front of an adult book store when two beautiful women drove up in a large, open convertible. They were both wearing form-fitting, sexy, vinyl catsuits, and were there to add to their tool kits. They looked at me, then looked down at the dog, and said "Oh, what a GORGEOUS dog!" I removed the dog's leash and they started cooing and fawning over him, scooping him up and kissing him. "Must - exploit - situation. But how?" I thought to myself. Then the two women suddenly looked lustily and deep into each other's eyes, took hands, and entered the store. Just as the door closed, my dog slipped into the store behind them, leaving me alone and flummoxed out on the sidewalk in front.
(, Wed 15 Jul 2015, 8:57, 5 replies)
sian williams y/n

(, Tue 14 Jul 2015, 21:15, 6 replies)
My sister's old pub
had a long, blocked-off passageway down one side that they used as a beer garden.

Once, at the far end, a man-tramp and a lady-tramp had a trampy picnic, sitting in the sun and getting ratted on cheap cider and meths. Ten minutes later, they were rutting like animals, having frantic trampy sex.

The lady-tramp didn't seem to be concious.
(, Tue 14 Jul 2015, 19:28, 29 replies)
Good news, everyone!

I've fixed my TARDIS!!

I was going to do a massive valedictory post, but I'm too eager to get out there and explore!!!

I'll just say: one day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine. Goodbye, sweeetieze!

(, Tue 14 Jul 2015, 17:18, 22 replies)
I was sat on a bench waiting for my other half.
A frail looking elderly black woman came and sat next to me, and after a few moments of silence turned to me and asked 'What do you think life is all about?'

My internal nutter detector triggered, but I'm pretty good at the level of inane small talk that's required to stop them from killing me and posting my severed testicles to local councillors. I considered the question, and decided to respond with a question, to further determine precisely how much of a fruitloop she was. 'In what sense?' I therefore asked.

"Well, we're all on this planet, orbiting the sun, none of us really have any sense of purpose because our natural instincts have more or less gone. What is life about now, with all of this considered?"

I was slightly taken aback, it seemed quite intelligent and I doubted my nutter detection skills for the first time in quite some time. So I answered. "I honestly think, as long as you're happy and you don't harm or hurt anyone during the course of your life, then you've made the most of it and made of it the best you can."

She stood up, stepped in front of me, leant towards me and shouted at the top of her voice; "NO! IT'S ABOUT JESUS!"

At which point she twatted me around the head with her incredibly heavy handbag, and stormed off.
(, Tue 14 Jul 2015, 16:26, 19 replies)
Living in the movie
Idly gazing out of the window, I became aware of sirens, getting louder. A car hurtled past, straight through the lights at the T-Junction, executed a perfect handbrake 180 - with all the squealing tyres that implies - and shot back up the road the way they had come from.

Much to the consternation of the two police cars who were chasing him, who were just reaching the junction as he shot back past. The first one attempted to perform the same manouevre, made a bit of a bish of it, and stalled, sideways on to the road - in the perfect position for his mate to ram straight into him.

But they were still running, and managed to set off in pursuit again. The whole thing was over in seconds. If I ever make a movie, I'm including that exact scene.
(, Tue 14 Jul 2015, 13:38, 4 replies)
Street Life - er nearly Street A&E actually
When I drove a white van around the UK for a living I found myself darn sarf in the big smoke. On the A12 eastbound toward Dagenham, where the road is a dual carraige way going over roundabouts and under bridges. What with the crazy ramp angles and table tops its a wonder any London driver remains sane. When I went under one of the lengthy bridge/tunnels I noticed a dusty tramp walking along and so did the occupants of the car in front. They swerved toward the pavement and a drinks can flew out of the window toward the vagrant. They were were doing about 60 and with an audible 'clang' the can jammed into the railings, spraying fluid everywhere. Luckily for the vagrant because it looked on target and half a kilo of full can@60mph might well have knocked him down.
(, Tue 14 Jul 2015, 13:06, 14 replies)
I once saw this porno where one girl was lying on her back and another girl poured loads of breakfast cereal and milk into her bumhole. Then she got a spoon and started eating the cereal out of her arse. Then a man got involved and caused a terrible mess
Long story short, how easy is it to remove the wing mirror on a 2008 Ford Fiesta? All the guides online make it look easy, but I'm still a little apprehensive! Any advice would be great x
(, Tue 14 Jul 2015, 8:24, 12 replies)
I once lived in basement flat on mornington crescent
One morning we noticed a homeless bloke shuffling around outside our door. he seemed a bit bewildered and stunk of piss, so I helped him up the steps to street level saying "sorry mate, but you cant stay here". The exertion seemed to be too much and he sat down on my neighbours doorstep before he'd gone five yards, which was fine by me. an hour later as i was about to cycle to work he'd gone, but he'd left a big pooey present for the neighbours
(, Tue 14 Jul 2015, 5:12, 2 replies)

(, Mon 13 Jul 2015, 20:40, 6 replies)
Circa 1991, in Peterborough, there was a bloke who'd walk up and down Searjeant Street. He was short, bald, middle aged, wore NHS spectacles and a school uniform.

According to legend, as a kid he'd managed to gas himself in the school chemistry lab, and would regularly re-live the experience.
All the Paki kids would follow him around and shoot "Woody!" at him, until he'd loose his temper and shout "MY NAME IS NOT WOODY! IT'S RICHARD!"
(, Mon 13 Jul 2015, 20:22, 5 replies)
There are a variety of street nutters in Oxford.
There's an elderly ex-professor who had a nervous breakdown. She will wander outside only wearing her bra, in order to:
a) pray to the heavens
b) ask you if you've let the lord into your life
c) tidy up the crucifix painted on her front door

There's a homeless fellow with dreadlocks, who clearly hasn't seen a bath for decades. I say dreadlocks, but I mean one large dreadlock which looks a bit like a dead beaver from a distance... I've never managed to get closer as one whiff from about 100 paces will cause anyone to lose their lunch. I'm actually not exaggerating.

There's "London's #1 Street Entertainer".... a guy who tries to tap dance to a portable boombox (but really just gently hops from one foot to the other), and who has no idea where he is, but appears to believe he's somewhere in Central London.

But the best one is the crazy alcoholic lady who marauds High Street. She produces a general ambiance of profane abuse, freestyle, and interacts with passers by in the most entertaining ways;
1) She tries to trip pedestrians over.
2) She takes running leaps at passing cyclists to knock them off their bikes.
3) She'll get on a bus and demand that the driver turns it around and take her the opposite direction. When he inevitably refuses she will spend a minute trying to get into his perspex cage, and then give up and get off the bus. She will do this with many consecutive buses.
4) She climbs onto kebab vans and refuses to get down. Or, if they stop her from getting on top, she'll rummage in a bin to find half an old kebab, and throw it at the proprietor.
5) She is arrested, almost daily. Every time I have witnessed this (about 5 times) she has been literally clawing at the windows and bellowing random swear words... not at the police officers, but the passing public whose attention she has attracted.

Edit: Any, or all of these people may have died in the decade since I lived there, but I have no doubt the city will find suitable replacements.
(, Mon 13 Jul 2015, 14:33, 4 replies)
A few years back
Someone nicked the wheels off my bike, so I popped to a friend's to get two spares that he kindly offered. As I walked back through the roughest part of town, late at night, carrying two bike wheels, in a hoodie, it occurred to me that I probably looked a bit dodgy.

I then bumped into another mate, who was carrying a toilet, a neighbour returning from a protest with an anti-war placard, and a forth guy en route to a party, who was in full drag and made a strangely convincing middle-aged bearded woman.

The four of us walked together and must have looked a pretty odd sight.
(, Mon 13 Jul 2015, 11:34, 7 replies)
I'd bought a Ford Escort van off ebay for 21 quid
because the seller couldn't spell "Escort" and had listed it under antiques. I took this mighty chariot on a jaunt around Europe in the summer of 2004, figuring that if it broke down I wouldn't exactly be out of pocket if I had to abandon it somewhere.

That van got me to France where a dodgy roadside meal gave me the shits, and I spent a feverish 2 nights in a German roadside layby venting liquid vengeance from my tattered arsehole. During those fevered dreams a pair of Turks tried to steal the van, but hadn't countered on the greasy English tourist sleeping in the back, leaping out at them completely naked wielding a 22mm spanner. I nursed the van and my fragile guts to the Netherlands, where an old friend nursed me back to strength with chicken soup while her mental boyfriend ragged my van ragged around Arnhem, whooping in delight at having the steering wheel on the wrong side of the road.

Revived, I nipped up through Denmark and crossed the various ferries and bridges to Sweden, where other travellers would strip naked and bathe in the lakes next to the petrol stations. But it was in Gothenburg where my van let me down, splitting its fuel tank and spilling my precious skandinavian-priced diesel all the way down the hilly road. Two packs of Hubba bubba patched it up, and I limped it to the nearest ferry terminal to get back to Denmark and start heading back to Blighty.

The ferry came and went, and myself and a pathetic dribble of other cars disembarked in northern Jutland on a foggy August evening. As the sun went down the other cars left me behind, and I found myself alone on a dark road, the pathetic candles of my headlights barely penetrating into the misty gloom.

I crawled along at a snail's place, feeling like a solitary Fred in the Mystery Machine, when I saw it. A mighty shape lumbered through the fog, all lumps and tentacles. I slowed the van to a squeaky halt, letting the engine idle as the beast moved forward. Then its face broke through the mist and it stood, staring at me with cold, soulless eyes.

A massive fucking moose, right there, in the middle of the road on a foggy night, all antlers and muscle. I was entranced and terrified. If the beast charged, its massive bulk would make mincemeat of my rusty tinfoil van, and with no-one else on the road it could be hours before anyone came to my aid. I would have shat myself if I hadn't completely exhausted my shitting capabilities back in Germany.

We stared at each other for minutes that felt like hours, my ropey old diesel grumbling to itself and the massive moose blowing steam from its nostrils that merged with the fog. Then, as mysteriously as it had appeared, it turned around and plodded off, vanishing in the night.
(, Mon 13 Jul 2015, 11:15, 2 replies)
I was once wandering through town with a bag of chips and a car drove past and the passenger shouted "nice chips mate" through a megaphone.

(, Mon 13 Jul 2015, 10:57, 3 replies)
The missus and i were walking to a pizza restaurant about a block from our apartment when a motorbike with two men on it crashed into the kerb near us
The distant police sirens suddenly became loud police sirens, as one of the men lifted up the bike and took off again at speed, leaving his injured mate behind. The remaining man was quickly surrounded by police pointing guns and surrendered, while other cars continued the chase. he was bleeding a lot. We learned a liitle later that it was a post office robbery gone wrong. There was a plain clothes policemen in the queue who opened fire as soon as they pulled their gun. The man been shot in the arse. At least, that was the cops story. in brazil you can never tell what the truth is. there are thousands of stories of the mean streets of sao paulo. This has been one of them. We had a family capriciossa
(, Mon 13 Jul 2015, 8:59, Reply)

(, Sun 12 Jul 2015, 23:21, Reply)
Staying at my ex-wife's place in sunny Basildon. Big party going on next door, inevitably kicks off into a "you fackin' cunt!" and "I'll kill yer!" punch up twixt both men and women. I watched for a bit out of the upstairs window which was quite exciting, but best of all when two of the protagonists decided to go toe to toe on my ex's front door step! I went down stairs and watched through the spy hole! Mere inches from the action and safe! Marvellous.
(, Sun 12 Jul 2015, 14:12, 1 reply)
White dog shit.

(, Sun 12 Jul 2015, 12:07, 2 replies)
It seems that some tourists just can't help themselves
I was in Bangkok, getting ready to head off to the rain forest of Southern Thailand for a couple of weeks and decided to do the tourist thing for the day or so I had free. This was not something I would normally do, but it seemed fun at the time. The street hawkers are deeply irritating when you have to tell gangs of them to bugger off and that you do not want a tuktuk ride. The tourist mecca of Khaosan Road is a vile hell hole full of pissed up European travellers looking for hookers, poverty struck street sellers who will not stop until your purse is empty and rather strangely, a group of tattooists who want to cover every inch of your flesh in lurid body art. It was not for me. The final thing that got to me though was not the Thai people who are in fact very decent, it was the bus load of Chinese tourists who were stood outside the Royal Palace in Bangkok, one of whom was having a shit on the side of the road. Even the jaded Thai guides are fed up with that habit.

Thankfully, I got to spend two glorious weeks in the Thai Rain forest around Khao Sok, tracking spiders. The Golden Orb Spider is spectacularly beautiful and my one encounter with this charming animal more than made up for the horror of Bangkok.

TLDR: Bangkok is horrible and some tourists shit in the street.
(, Sat 11 Jul 2015, 21:16, 9 replies)
In a South Bristol shopping dungeon
a scabby, obese young lady sidled up to me and said, in a tone of complete apathy,

'Fuck I up the bum for a fiver?'

I made my excuses and left.

(, Sat 11 Jul 2015, 11:03, 3 replies)
In Plymouth
an agitated oriental fellow ran up to me and gibbered:

'Do you know way to Sexy Bang-Bang Land?'

'Eh?' I responded. 'Where?!'

'Sexy Bang-Bang Land! Sexy Bang-Bang Land!'

'Sorry, there's no such place, not in Plymouth, anyway.'

He was so het up he was hopping from foot to foot. 'Where Sexy Bang-Bang Land? Sexy Bang-Bang Land!'

I thought and thought but there wasn't even anywhere that even sounded a bit like Sexy Bang-Bang Land. In the end I sent him in the direction of Union Street.

(, Sat 11 Jul 2015, 11:02, 4 replies)

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