I am a horrible person
I can't believe I'm typing these words and about to reveal a source of secret shame I've harboured for over 10 years. Only 4 people in the world know this story - me, the then boyfriend, the current boyfriend and a little person (dwarf/midget/vertically challenged - you know what I mean).

I was 16 and in love for the very first time with a wonderful 24 year old who didn't mind that I was a ridiculously fucked up, melodramatic loon who came from an insanely dysfunctional family.

We were out in a club and he was involved in a long and animated discussion with his mates about something related to music that was boring me rotten.

I felt he wasn't paying me enough attention and resolved to teach him a lesson.

When you're 16 and more used to discos than bars, and tweeny relationships vs adult ones that involve concepts like patience, accountability and respect - you think that the best way to get your man's attention is to flirt with someone else.

So out to the beer garden I headed where I bumped into (not literally!) a little person. He was very little. About 3 and a half foot. Late 30s, wearing a little leather biker jacket, ear-rings, a Guns and Roses T-Shirt and some little biker boots.

I sat down beside him at a bench and we fell to talking.

Actually, when I look back, he was a bit sleazy but he started to tell me how sad he was because he was a little person who had never kissed anyone as beautiful as me. (Remember, I was 16, a sucker for compliments and naive as fuck).

Anyway, I felt all sorry for him and self-righteous about being ignored by boyfriend so started kissing for him.

A minute later, I hear the voice of my then boyfriend yelling: "What the FUCK are you DOING?"

At that point, I realised the error of my ways.

Horrified, I stood up, groping in my drunken mind for a way to make things right.

The little person stood up between us and in consequence, was out of my eyeline so I promptly forgot about him.

I drunkenly stammered: "This doesn't count."

To which he replied: "What the FUCK do you mean it doesn't COUNT? You're KISSING ANOTHER MAN!!!!!"

I defensively slurred back at a ridiculously high volume: "It doesn't count. IT'S ONLY A FUCKING MIDGET!!!!!!"

He argued but I felt, best to stick to my guns, so I repeatedly screamed this over and over.

He eventually forgave me, by which time dear readers, alack, the little person had vanished without either of us noticing.

I am terribly ashamed of this incident and if you're reading, little man, it's a memory that will haunt me until I shuffle off this mortal coil. I am sorry. You were the best kiss I ever had.*

Little man - stop reading now.

Everybody else - * May or may not be true - I can't remember the kissing of the little person in any great detail. I just wanted to make up in a very small way and give him a bit of a lift.
(littlemissmischievous, Fri 27 Apr 2007, 10:44, Reply)