Me
This one's me, tragically.

My sister and I don't get on at the best of times - when we were at school, we fought like rabid, angry hyenas - this extended to home life.

One time we were fighting about something (or nothing) - You know the sort of sibling fight I'm talking about - hair pulling, name calling, etc.

When I thought it'd be a good time to call her something unpleasant - it must've been pretty bad as she stopped dead and glared at me.

"Yay", thought I - "I've won this one".

No.

She went to Dad and told him what I'd said - Nothing about provocation at all, I might add - and I got a thorough bollocking.

Fucksocks.

Didn't stop us fighting though....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 16:12, Reply)

RIGHT THATS IT.......
due to recieving many requests.....

Tomorrow, i shall reveal in full the delightful tale of how I came to spread photos far and wide (see previous post) and be warned people, its a long one!

It will have to be tomorrow, so that I can retrieve the photo/s from a box under my bed
;-)
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 16:06, Reply)

Simon
is drug free, but thought it was hilarious when I got spiked with E at work. To be fair, so did I, although revenge was clearly needed. I spiked him with viagra, and spent the day telling him pornographic stories. He is still known as Stiffy Simon at work, owing to the visble erection he carried around for the day.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 26 Apr 2007, 16:05, Reply)

First of many...
Flatmates at Uni; one known as Evil Emma. She disapproved of my (and other housemate Andy's) lifestyle, reported us to the police, the student bodies (even pre-emptively!), interfered with our study time, used our food and eventually I got pissed off and took action. I glued her bedroom door shut. She was there for 9 hrs before having to climb out of a first floor window. I put many pinholes in the bottom of her sugar. Put her mobile number in phone boxes around town. Advertised her stuff in the free ads. Filled her sauces with laxatives. Filled her shoes with flour. Advertised her possessions on the University intranet. Glued her cards to her purse. Glued her food packets to the base of the cupboard. All sorts of low grade nasty stuff. Sorted her out good and proper.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 26 Apr 2007, 16:03, Reply)

I Do a Performance course at University
And there's this one girl who is possibly the laziest little bugger on the planet. She never pays attention in class, nor does she do any of the work. One time, we had to do a summative assessment of a play that we had all seen. We all worked hard; except this one girl.

So, it's 3am the night before we have to hand in this essay. Lazy Girl rings the doorbell of my flat, waking everybody up. She's stark drunk. She knocks on my bedroom door, and confesses that she's screwed for the following day. She wants to know if she can get my help. I look at the situation: she's desperate, teary and seems genuinely at the end of her tether. So, I decide to be the good samaritan and lend her some notes I made. She's grateful, then she leaves to write up an essay.

Fuck that.

The following day, she's back to being a lazy bitch and doesn't even seem grateful for what I did. Not only this, but when we get out marks back, she yells at me for giving her rubbish notes. [What the stupid idiot did was copy the notes up WORD FOR WORD, so she ended up handing in bulletins and abbreviations.]

Not really appreciating this, I decided I would have my revenge.

Next time an essay was due in, I composed a series of fake notes about the play that we'd seen; especially a series of paragraphs I wrote about a fake characters I had invented called Richard Stockwell, and how 'his performance in the play showed arrogance and evident small masculinity".

The night before the essay came. Lazy Bitch pulled the exact same stunt. I gave her my notes, and told her to write them into an essay this time to prevent what happened last time. She agrees. She writes the essay the day before handing it in, hands in in, and goes back to being an ingrateful bitch.

Oh, did I mention that our course lecturer was called Richard Stockwell? Oh, I'm pretty sure I did.

She's not on the course anymore.
(__, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 16:03, Reply)

So satisfying
When I was just a wee young 21 year old my lovely Irish (ex) missus decided to go out in Manchester and take some guy home as I was working for the night. We weren't actually living together as such but I stayed at her house during the week while at uni and went back to my little native village to work the odd night when needed, as well as Saturday day time. Anyway, I was asked to work one Friday night and needed the cash so I did. She was pissed off (not that uncommon) as she wanted to go out in Manchester. So she did. And took home another guy at the end of the night.

I was not amused.

I called round after work on Saturday ready to spend a weekend of bliss only to be told in no uncertain that she had met this guy, taken him home and fucked him.

I was not amused.

My reply was something along the lines of 'fair enough, thats that then', collected all my stuff from downstairs, went upstairs to collect more stuff and pissed all over her bed sheets, mattress, duvet, pillows et al. I even saved the last squirt for the wardrobe.

That taught her, although in hindsight it probably just annoyed her. Still it was quite satisfying and I even thought as much as I dragged my sorry, heartbroken self back to the trainstation and made my way home.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 16:02, Reply)

Brother's revenge
When I was about 10 and my brother about 12, I used to be the obnoxious younger brother and would fart on his head whenever the opportunity arose. In all he took it in a very restrained manner. Our parents however didn't think this was acceptable behaviour and used to egg him on to retaliate and duff me up as he was a bit wet at that age, kinda like a pacifist or something!

One day I guess I must have been being especially obnoxious as he cracked, jumped on me, pinned me down and starting hitting me about the head whilst kneeling on my shoulders.

My parents initially supported his eventual retaliation, but after 5 minutes realised that he was getting to enjoy this a bit too much and had to physically lift him off me before permanent damage was done!

I think it's fair to say he taught me a lesson that day, I never farted on his head again, and started to show him the respect an older brother deserves at that age!

That respect has long gone now mind!!!
(anon_is_best, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 16:01, Reply)

Cruelty to animals
I was sharing a flat with a woman who had a cat. Each morning at around 5.00, the bloody animal would scratch at my door and wake me up. I tried leaving the door open, but then it would just come inside and jump on my face.

I like my sleep, and one morning the scratching drove me to an apolectic frenzy. I stormed out of bed, put on my slippers, opened the door and swung my leg in a strike-from-the-halfway-line at the purring creature sitting there. The cat ricocheted off my slipper and soared down the flight of stairs opposite the door. I can still see its eyes staring in mute horror and its furry legs akimbo as it sailed some five metres downwards like a tabby Icarus.

It wasn't hurt, but it never scratched at my door again. Job done.
(frankspencer, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 16:01, Reply)

A suggestion
I haven't done this, but if someone keeps stealing your milk, get another bottle and put laxatives in there.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:57, Reply)

Left someone stranded with no lift home at 2 Am in Wendover woods
Well the cunt did set light to my hair
( M o D, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:51, Reply)

Locked Flat mates cat
In his room so it shat in his bed.

Well he never cleaned out the litter tray and used to piss off out every evening leaving a hungry and needing to shit cat to annoy me.
Not to mention the horrific smell of 4 week old cat litter in the middle of summer
( M o D, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:46, Reply)

A lesson not so much unheeded as simply not understood
I've mentioned the loopy bloke I once shared a house with before. His OCD-like habits meant that we eventually had to chuck him out. This was the last straw:

Came home to discover rubbish all over the kitchen floor. We were lazy students and when the kitchen bin got full did we empty it? No, we hung a plastic bag on the door handle and used that for overflow. You know, until _that_ got full.

Anyway, he'd decided that the bag was his bin and that he wasn't going to tolerate other people's rubbish in it, and so had dumped what wasn't his on the floor.

We had words. He shut himself in his room.

This went on for a couple of days, until, out of sheer frustration rather than a real attempt to teach him a lesson, I filled up the bag with cold porridge and anything else vaguely disgusting and sticky I could find. (No, not that. This was the opening salvo)

I returned later on to discover he'd carefully gone through all that goo and separated it from his precious rubbish. He wasn't angry (well, angrier), just ignored it completely. How frustrating is that? You come up with a nice childish way to solve a problem and he ignores it!

It was at this point we realised we either had to think up even worse things to put in there, or just chuck him out. Decision made, I went to have words, only for him to announce that he was leaving, "because we lived like pigs." Bastard.
( chthonic, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:44, Reply)

Christians
I had the misfortune to fall in with a number of Christians at university (I was trying to get in one's pants) and soon discovered that they were all colossal hypocrites: boasting about how they read the whole Bible every night and prayed until their hands bled etc, when in fact they were all back-biting, bitching and immoral liars.

One of them was a wanking addict. Every night, he'd be tugging himself crippled. But because he was a Christian, he'd only tug with a condom (?). And because he didn't want any other Christians to see him buying johnnies, he got me to do it for him. Flavoured ones were his favourite.

One evening in the Union bar, I emerged from the lavs with his condoms to see that most of the Christian Club had come to sit with him. I couldn't resist. I whistled across the bar to get their attention, and frisbeed the packet of rubbers towards my tugging pal.

All eyes followed that small box as it coasted, spinning, through the smoky air. Perfectly thrown, it landed with a plop right in the middle of the table where they were sitting.

"There's your condoms, Paul!" I shouted. And they all stared at his beetroot, sweating face with earnest enquiry as to why he - a believer in the Risen Lord - would require a pack of johnnies.

That'll teach him for praising the Lord and pleasuring himself on the sly. (Another time, when he was piss drunk, we left him in a shopping trolley outside the front door of the university clergyman, rang the doorbell and ran away)
(frankspencer, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:40, Reply)

That'll Teach The Irish
First year of uni, I was stuck in halls with seven others - Not too bad despite the fact I was the only Englishman in the mixed Scot-Irish flat. A bit of pisstaking between the flat on occasion, and stuff did occasionally go missing (especially if it could be mixed with alcohol) but it was funny to wake up sometimes to see a recently-nicked bus stop in the halls or that stuff in glowsticks splattered over the walls.

Anyway, come the Easter break (just over two years back now) most of us wake up late Sunday afternoon to find an empty box of Creme Eggs and what looks like one of them unwrapped on the common room table. We try and figure out whose it is, and once we find out it isn't any of ours we look into nicking it without anything been said.

Cue 1pm and the flat's two resident stoners wake up. They admit they gorged on the Creme Eggs and left one there. After a bit more talk, one of the smarter Irish lot accepts the egg after they say they didn't want it.

Irish guy bites hard into the egg, the stoners run back to our rooms laughing their heads off - the "unwrapped Creme Egg" was in fact a raw egg that the stoners had covered in chocolate and left for someone to bite into. Now half of it was in the Irish guy's mouth.

No idea why anyone else didn't figure it out though - Even though the mess of chocolate around it could be explained by the stoners playing with the "creme egg" & a lighter, an egg doesn't suddenly become the size of a jumbo Creme Egg.
(Purple Jonax, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:40, Reply)

when I was growing up
I really enjoyed karate. I started karate when I was 6, and when I was about 16 my younger brother(13) decided he wanted to pick a fight with me. He would be very nasty, say horrible things, punch and kick me, whatever he could think of to get into a fight.

I would never hit back, but each time he started I would warn him that one day I would hit him back.

Then one day I did. I punched him once, the only punch I have ever thrown outside of training. He fell over (it was a great punch!). He stood up.

He NEVER picked a fight with me again.

That taught him a lesson!
(MissB, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:39, Reply)

Sibling Takedown II
Around the same time period as the previous story my sister was at it again, can’t remember exactly what. As brute force hadn’t stopped her, I decided to turn my attentions to germ warfare.

I got her toothbrush and caressed the hoop of my anus with the bristles. I then put it back neatly where I found it.

She was off ill from school for about a week. Whatever.
(Eertamai, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:37, Reply)

shall i get the
"for revenge I went postal and shot up a whole college in Virginia motherfuckers!!"

stuff out of the way on page one?
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:35, Reply)

Sandwiches
When i was young and immature (about 5 years ago) i went to a normal highschool like any other and had sandwiches for lunch, cheap and tasty, great. So, one day i cant find the sandwiches in my bag and go all day without food because i couldnt afford anything else. I found out later it was because a little scrotbag had hidden them during a lesson. I found the sandwiches and them left them in their nice bag behind a radiator for about 3 weeks. Wouldnt have been so bad if they were'nt tuna and mayo... so anyway, 3 weeks of maturing later and the things are rotten, seriously, ive worked on a dairy farm and not smelt things that bad. I proceed to leave the sandwiches in the scrotbag's bag. I say left, i opened the bag and smeared the sandwich over most of his things.
Yay for revenge :D
(Golden_guns247, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:32, Reply)

Sibling Takedown
When I was about 8, my older sister by 2 years was always really bossy and a squeal to my Mum. So I decided to sort her out. I hid in the lounge room at the front of the house and called her from where she was in the kitchen.

As she made her way down the corridor I lay in wait behind the door and as she came in the lounge, I smashed her in the face with a hard back book.

Boy did I get in trouble!
(Eertamai, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:30, Reply)

Sweet revenge!
About 10 years ago I was shagging the bosses's son where I worked. Don't know why - he had ginger hair and wore a lot of tweed. He did have a girlfriend, (I know I'm a bad bunny), but to be honest he had been cheating on her for years. It was all cool - nothing heavy was wanted by either of us and we just had fun. After about 9 months he tells me he wants to finish it because he wants to be faithfull to his girlfriend.I think ok - good on him. Just before this another girl starts working at our place. A jewish hippy - very girly. All us girls at the office get to know her and all seems ok but she is a little strange and we cant put our finger on it. Then we find out from her that she is seeing the bosses son. We'll I was livid. Not because he finished with me but because he had lied about it. She starts telling us things he's told her in secrecy. Turns out these things he also told me. We decide to let things get more heated between them before I tell her about my fraternization with him. We get pally with her and try to find out about her. Turns out she has an irrational fear of getting Aids - weird I know. He's spun some story to her about being only faithfull to currant girlfriend and really likes hippy girl. Well' we then decide to let hippy girl into full story about him. Serial shagger and makes up stories to get girls into bed. She goes mental and tells boss about his son's indiscetions and complaining that she may have aids. I'm pretty sure the boss knew of his sons business but chose not to interfere. Hippy girl goes and gets aids test and leaves work. Ha Ha

Negative by the way.
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:28, Reply)

Minesweeping
A few years back there was a young seemingly friendless student type that used to frequent my local pub. He'd butt into peoples conversations and generally be a right pain in the arse.

One Friday night he was spotted picking up a few stray pints and downing the contents.

Being of a slightly evil nature my friends and I hatched a plan. 5 minutes later there was a half full pint glass with 5 types of piss in it. I sauntered over to the fruit machine, dropped a couple of quid in and left the pint on the top of the machine.

I wandered off to the toilet and came out to sit with my friends again, poor little student looked sheepishly around before grabbing the pint and taking a very large mouthful.

He turned a nice shade of green, staggered to the door and out into the cold night air.

He was last seen hunched double spewing out his dinner 10 yards from the pub window with about 40 people pointing and laughing.
(Avalanche - Purveyor of sexual deviancy since 1976, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:26, Reply)

Temper
At school I had a proper temper - think hulk meets an angry bloke. It was a hair trigger temper at that - and it didn't take much to trip it off.

As I went to posh* boarding school this incident occured at night.

The class moron said something that I don't remember, but it infuriated me and I flipped.

I remember roaring like a mad, deranged, rabid, angry gorilla and storming in his direction. My friends knew of my temparment and they jumped on me to hold me down.

I was only ickle then but I was very, very strong (and angrier than a posessed, psychotic tiger) - about 6 of them were trying to hold me back and I was getting closer to my quarry.

The class moron realised at this point that I was rather angry and was cowering in the corner. I managed to shake off my captors and got to him just as my best friend managed to re-capture me.

Unfortunately for the class moron I had made it to him and was stood with my face right in his - the terror in his eyes was priceless, the anger in my eyes was clear, the fear exhibited by him was obvious and my best friend was saying "don't do it, it's not worth it".

I simply said in a calm voice - "Don't. Do it. Again." and walked away.

I believe he cried.

He never annoyed me again though.....

That tought the little slimy scrote.

* It wasn't posh - it was a forces boarding school...
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:21, Reply)

Brothers eh? Who'd have 'em!
Bit of an admission to make here.....

It was me that stitched my brother up for eating my comics (yes thats right, eat my comics) he started with the Dandy & the Beano but as I got older (and indeed geekier) he started to chew his way through my 2000ADs. Read a page and then idly tear the corner off and EAT IT!!!



I was quite annoyed and so pissed and wanked into a comic and left the fucker out for him.

Yes he did.

Sick barstard (Hi Nick!)



Yay! First Page!
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:12, Reply)

when I finished my degree

I did a Diploma of Education. I applied for several positions, and finally got one. Everything went well for several years. Eventually I saw a former student in the street, and said "ha! I taught you a lesson or two didn't I?". Sadly I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome shortly afterwards and had to retire.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:12, Reply)

The girl I liked...
and had been seeing had recently decided she wanted some muff action and had started seeing a fellow woman.

Due to me still liking her, this information was kept from me as apparently I would freak out and smash things up or something...

Now, I pride myself on being particularly observant and also pretty good at telling what people are thinking/feeling.

Using these skills I deduced that something odd was going on, and what it was and confronted my mate Dan with my suspicions which he confirmed.

I didn't mind that she had started indulging in a spot of cunning linguism; frankly, I'd rather I was defeated by another woman in this respect. what I did object to was that all my mates had such little regard for my powers of observation and my formidable intellect.

I ran through a few schemes for revenge and the best of these went a bit like this:

during one of the usual congregations of people in our house I offered to make drinks.

Whipping out a pre-prepared prop that I had created by sticking some furry material around the rim I said to the now-rug-muncher, "here, you can drink from the furry cup"

looks on faces etc. were priceless.

I suppose that didn't really teach 'em as it were, but it made me feel good without alienating my close friends.

A small triumph.

that is all
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:09, Reply)

REVENGE!
I put pictures of their tits all over the web/uni campus so that their very strict catholic parents would find out that id been doing her all ways for ages despite warning me to stay away, but only after the bitch had gone mental and started seeing many many others behind my back!!!!!




also, if i recieve 5 requests, i shall reveal this in glorious self-incriminating detail! yay

6 now as of 4.15 pm all blokes tho....odd

SEE ABOVE!!
MANY THANKS FOR ALL THOSE WHO REQUESTED THE FULL STORY.

It shall appear of the morrow!
you sick bunch!
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 15:04, Reply)