Vengeful rodents
Ex-Mrs PJM owned a veritable menagerie of furry (and scaly) animals from the time we started dating onward.

Now, although she took pet ownership to extremes of battyness I do have a soft spot for most furry creatures. However, her resident rodents were apparently extremely put out that I was depriving them of their owners attention and conspired against me.

Firstly, there was the cage biting. Two sodding gerbils sharpening their teeth all night long was enough to drive me crackers, I tried everything to get them to do it quietly but to no avail. They took more direct action when I was invited to handle the deceptive little critters, who seemed harmless enough until one climbed into my shirt pocket, looked up at me evilly and peed.

However it was the hamster who caused the most anguish. Fluffy and dopey, he'd sit in his cage and watch me, waiting for me to reward him with a treat or the innards of a bog roll to chew. Again, he seemed perfectly harmless but he was quietly scheming and waiting to make his move...

Cue one particularly warm afternoon, further livened up by lots of horizontal passing of time which required me to dispense with my clothing. Lying there post nooky, the silence was wrecked when the gerbils started their incessent nibbling which prompted me to get up and walk toward the cages in a vain attempt to bribe them to be quiet with pumpkin seeds. I hadn't banked on them formulating the most cunning and downright dastardly of plans however, as while I reached up to the taller cages to feed the gerbils, Hamster was ready to pounce.

"Aaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! YoufurrylittleCUNT!"

The vicious little fecker leaned through the bars and plunged his half inch long fangs right into the end of my knob.

Sure as hell showed me, I wish I'd taken the hint.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 27 Apr 2007, 16:35, Reply)