A working holiday pea first posted in 2009
Ted and the Cocky's daughter

Back in the great depression me and my mate Ted where both hard up for a crust. The local businesses needed no workers and we was down to our last brass razoo. In desperation we decided that the time had come to hit the road and try our luck in the bush.

We walked for 100’s of miles and apart from the occasion bit of work for food chopping wood or fixing fences type of thing and living off wild rabbits it was a long hard slog until we came across a fruit farm. The cocky (that’s farmer for your non-depression era, non-Australian types) was growing all types of produce, apples, cherries, paw paw, pineapples, and oranges amongst others. He was hard up for help since his son had run away with the local priest to start a new life in New Zealand and he was in need of a couple of workers. He offered us 3 meals a day, a shed to sleep in, Sundays off and 2 shillings a week and his only caveat was,

“if either of you city drongos touches me daughter, I’ll fuckin’ have you”

And so it was, Ted and I hunkered down and fair worked our arses to the bone harvesting his fruit. From sun up till sun down we picked and packed in the hot sun and when Saturday afternoon rolled around he paid us our money, handed us a longy of Emu Bitter and told us he reckoned we had a bit of ticker for town galahs.

The following week was the same, except on the Saturday arvo when he paid us our money he told us he had to go to town for the night to call on the Johnson widow and then sternly warned us,

“touch me daughter and I’ll have your cock and balls to hang over me fire place”

Now I don’t know about Ted but it had been so long since I had had the touch of woman my old fella was like a rooster crossed with an owl (a cock that stays up all night) and despite the warning from the Cocky I just had to try my luck on with the daughter. And as luck would have it she was a right goer, she sucked me knob till it felt like my guts where going to come out the japs eye and then rode me like a brumby in the local agricultural show till she had fair rubbed six layers of skin off me pecker. With knees a trembling and my toggher about to draft a letter to his union rep in protest of cruel and unusual work conditions, I waved the white flag and legged it out the window but, farmers daughter was most definitely not satisfied and lay on her bed bellowing,

“MORE COCK, MORE COCK”

I hobbled back to the shed and told Ted to get his arse in there and finish up the job. And as the sun broke over the horizon next morning Ted struggled back to the shed, his tackle torn to ribbons.

“Don’t worry” he said “she promised not to tell her old man”

Later that Sunday when Ted and I where resting in the shed, the farmer burst in with eyes of furry.

“You flaming mongrels have rooted me daughter, I’ll have youse” he screamed. And after walloping Ted across the back of the head with a shovel he came for me.

“How do you know” I stammered

“She’s an idiot” he screamed “she fucking told me”

“Surely we can work something out” I cried back, and the cocky stood back and started to think.

“You and your dead shit mate get out and pick me 100 pieces of fruit and bring em to me in the kitchen” he growled before storming off.

So Ted and I slunk out to the fields to gather the 100 pieces of fruit. Ted was well pissed with me, he reckoned it was all my fault and after telling me to go fuck myself walked off in the opposite direction. I was near the cherry trees, so I picked 100 cherries and took them to the farmer.

When I showed him the fruit, he told me to,

“drop your strides and stick em up your bum” and the menacing look on his face and the loaded shot gun in his hands told me it was best to just get on with it and not argue.

So I start sticking the fruit up me arse, one cherry, two cherries and so on but, I couldn’t help myself and when I got 34 I burst out laughing and the cherries fired out of me like a rat out of a drain pipe. The farmer waved the shotty at me and indicated to start again but, it kept happening, when ever I would get close to the 100, I would laugh and out the cherries would fly.

After this had happened about 10 times the Cocky was fair dinkum fuming.

“What’s so fuckin’ funny you suburban dingo” he yelled.

“Sorry boss” I replied “It’s just when I was on me way back here I saw Ted in the back paddock”

“So what, that’s not funny, the little cunt better be picking fruit is all care about”

“Oh he is” said me “he’s picking pineapples”
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 19 Apr 2013, 23:10, 2 replies)

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(Simian Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd. is house hunting in the neighborhood of infinity, Sat 20 Apr 2013, 0:25, closed)

My family is going to blame you
for taking me away from them....
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 20 Apr 2013, 1:05, closed)