I worked in a Onestop convenience store in the mid 90's...
...one of those overgrown newsagents, that sells groceries and stays open till 11pm a la tesco metro. I was earning a bit of cash to pay for a nice drug-addled thai beach holiday, whilst finishing a post-grad course. I was evening supervisor, and my god was it dull. The conversational abilities of my, mostly teenage, colleagues was...um...non-existent, and after realising that there is only so much fun you can have with the stock, I started to turn on my customers.

Not the nice ones, you'll understand, but the arrogant cocks in suits who think that the customer is always right, even in a fucking Onestop.

My tactics were varied and many. My favorite was simply saying 'Pardon?' everytime the customer spoke, and repeating their words with an imaginary speech impediment. "Thothages? pardon?.. ..ahhh sausages! Yes off course. Down the back on the left hand side next to the pork pies" "Nose-pipers?.....ah, you mean newspapers" etc

The most impressive? The fake-rejected debit card. All that is needed is a large queue, who are tired and impatient enough to be interested to know who, what and why they are being held up, all standing behind the obnoxious cockmuncher, who is about to receive a lesson in humility from your tired and harrassed narrator.

In the days before the modern electronic switch units it was all done, under the counter and away from the prying eyes of the soon to be humiliated customer.

Customer keys in number onto pad. I, after a brief pause, announce (just a little more loudly than is really necessary) that the card has been rejected. All ears in the queue pick up, customer replies tetchily that that cannot be the case. "Ok" I say "let's try again, just in case you misentered the number.... it is your card isn't it, sir?" (cue rage)

"Ok...here we go...it's...no, sorry sir, it's rejecting the transaction again sir. Are you sure you aren't overdrawn, sir?" (cue more rage)

"Obviously, the card only works if the account is in credit, sir, if you are overdrawn the bank rejects your card. Doesn't happen often here, sir, but it's always when the customer hasn't got any money left in the account" (eyes popping out on stalks by now)

"Yes, sir, even so, you'll need to check with your bank that you have some money in your account,.. no, sir I am the manager... I'm afraid I can't serve you if you can't afford to pay, sir...next customer, please"

He he he
(MrStabby, Sat 10 Jan 2009, 19:09, 1 reply)

Good start, you evil bastard.
Now make some pictures.

It's OK - skill is secondary to funny, and you're qualified.
( Sea Tramp the thinking woman's 8 Ace, Sun 11 Jan 2009, 5:17, closed)