b3ta.com user Goatworrier
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Fuck off.

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» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

When I was a lad
I had a best friend, we used to do everything together, long walks, play, discovering the world, getting into scrapes. The usual stuff.

One day I got an erection and just thought I'd stick it in her for a laugh. She didn't say anything, just let me grunt away for a couple of minutes till I'd finished. I lay back, exhausted and a little ashamed, she ran off into some trees.

I lay there for some time, worrying I'd broken our friendship permanently, but soon she was back, licking my face with warm affection.

I was 14 when this happened, she was 5, but in dog years that's 33, I dont know if that makes me a cradle snatcher or a granny grabber ? All I know is that it was the start of something beautiful. We're still together now, 24 years on. She died some time ago, but I had her stuffed and with the help of some modern technology, I we still enjoy a healthy sex life.

Sorry for the length.
(Fri 5th Dec 2008, 9:18, More)

» Fire!

I got home last night and it was cold
so I put the fire on.

Later I was a bit too warm so I turned it off.

Then I went to bed.

With a goat.
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 9:27, More)

» Stupid Tourists

This tourist came up to me
and said "I'm slightly lost, can you direct me to the train station"

Can you beleive it ?

Didnt even know where the train station was ?

What a cunt !

I knew where the train station was when I was fucking ten years old.


The yanks have the right idea, blow the cunts up before they turn up in your country wearing a camera and asking for directions.....
(Fri 8th Jul 2005, 12:26, More)

» Spoooky Coincidence

Double helphing for Vera
One night I had the horn.

I remembered that there was a dear old bewildered lady living next door called Vera. She was game for anything so I decided to pop round there and tell her I was a doctor and needed to put my "thermometer" in her mouth to take her temperature.

When I got there the door was open, so I went in. And what do you think I saw?

My Dad, dressed in a Drs outfit pumping hot gobs of rancid man fat into Veras mouth.

Oh how we laughed at her funeral!
(Fri 9th Feb 2007, 9:40, More)

» Bullies

When I was a young pup I worked as a janitor
not having a pedigree, this was pretty much the only job I could get. I worked hard though and enjoyed the solitude of the job.

Each night when I left work though, a gang of local kids would harass me. I quickly came to dread hearing their voices as I walked down the street.

"Here comes mild-mannered Penry with his gay mop !" they'd shout and within minutes I'd be bundled over, kicked and punched to a chorus of laughs.

I got sick of this quickly and decided not to leave work at all. I set up home in a filing cabinet at the office and began learning martial arts from a book I bought off a Pug I met in a bar. The filing cabinet was surprisingly roomy and once I'd perfected my martial arts skills I began work on a car. The car was just an old Honda Accord to start with, but when I'd finished, it was so cool it could change shape into any vehicle I wanted.

Soon I was ready to face my bullies. I wont go into details, but I KICKED THEIR FUCKING ASSES LOL! I fought them all at once, and didnt even use my best moves and I STILL KICKED ALL OF THEIR FUCKING ASSES AND ALL OF THEM CRIED LOL !

I now fight crime, and have frequent, hot sex with Rosemary, the telephone operator. All the guys who bullied me are now on benefits and in wheelchairs and get touched up by their gay social worker. HAH !
(Fri 15th May 2009, 10:45, More)
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