» My Worst Vomit

Inappropriate puking
I am the king of inappropriate spewing. Some of my most memorable have been:

- Running to the toilet in my old office (long walk) but only managing to get as far as my bosses desk and having to puke in his plastic bin. Whilst on the phone to a customer. Loud! Humiliation came in when he made me walk the dripping bin bag to the bins outside, when I got to the door he shouted out of the first floor window 'That blokes got a bag of sick' to all the smokers, somehow made me sick again. Ooops
- Having a bad hangover the other week, pulling into a layby and spewing everywhere as soon as I exited the car. Didn't notice the police car behind me (nothing happened luckily!)
- On the same morning as above, got sick on my shoes and trod it into the car. Said car was on loan from my boss as mine was dead, and was on the way to his house to drop it off - 'Who the fuck's puked in my Saab'
- Another morning hangover, this time midweek, Chairman was over on his bi-monthly visit from the USA, forgot, puked in the nearest bog (his bog, personal, private, and since then very smelly) 'Who's been sick in my toilet?'
- Puking in my Dad's wellies when I was about 14, they were on the step underneath my bedroom window
- Know the posh black Westminster City Council Public Toilet signs? Used to work in the graphics company who designed them, puked tea and orange juice on the first pilot batch
- Recording a puke session on my dictaphone and playing it back through my surround sound system. Neighbours heard. One mentioned he liked the 'Oh fuck' whine just before the biggest rush!

Many more but I'm bored now!
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 13:53, More)

» Old People Talk Bollocks

My Gran (RIP)...
was always sad that she couldn't have any great grandchildren. Brother's girlfriend is Chinese, mine is Indian...
"Poor boys can't have any kids because they'd look too funny..."
(Thu 11th Mar 2004, 13:50, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

Sat in the pub next to Bond Street tube last week
(the Hog in the Pound) an elderly American woman came and asked my workmate where some road or other was. He, quite rightfully, being from Bristol, said "Sorry, I don't know I'm not from London"

She glared at him and abruptly said "Well you're sat here aren't you" and then shuffled off. Fuck knows what she meant but it made us laugh.
(Thu 10th Jun 2004, 9:49, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

When I was 15
I lost my virginity in a field with the local bike. Twas a sheep field and managed to get a tick on my bollocks (not a tick of approval from said bike - the parasitic type of tick)

Had to ask my mum to get it out.

Ooops
(Wed 8th Sep 2004, 14:40, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

Giant Haystacks
I have in my parents freezer somewhere a cotton bud with Giant Haystacks spit on it - I was watching him with my grandad, he spat in the ring, I ran up and wiped it up with my fingers (I was quite young) and kept it ever since. It's now next to the extremely rare bird that my Mum's cat killed and she didn't want anyone finding out!

Ooohhhh 1 I also have a signed photo of Daisy Duke in a bikini which I'd like to strum over one day (but don't want to risk washing the signature off! Eeeewww(?)!)

Ooohhhh 3 Jarvis Cocker wrote 'I am high' in my Glaso 95 programme - I was but a youngster so had to ask my Dad to decipher it!

Ooohhhh 2 and this PICCY but I don't want to wank over this one...
(Fri 5th Nov 2004, 16:35, More)