b3ta.com user Hosehead
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I live in an igloo.

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» Mugged

Recently I was having lunch at my friend Jay's restaurant. He came out of the back and was fuming after discovering that his car was broken into, and 50 CDs and $60 were taken. In broad daylight - and probably no less than a half an hour ago. Now myself and another friend (Matt) who was also present, we're what you might call vigilantes - we solve problems.

Immediately I got on the horn and called up a lady-friend who had just left the restaurant ten minutes prior, and told her the situation. I asked her to give descriptions of everybody she noticed in the back lane where Jay's car was parked. With a handful of possible suspects, Matt and I quickly made for my car and went for a drive to see if we can find anybody matching those descriptions.

We were in luck. A few blocks up I noticed two young boys, maybe 12 or 13 years old crossing the street and stopping at a bus stop. I pulled the car into a nearby lot, and I told Matt to go north while I go around and catch them from the south, and we confronted them. After a quick exchange, Matt notices that the taller kid had an odd looking wrinkle in his shirt, and quickly reached forward and extracted a CD wallet. After a quick flip through, we confirmed that it was Jay's. I promptly ordered the plump one to produce his wallet, and found the missing cash. Having recovered the pilfered goods, we decided to scare the boys straight, so I began to slap the dough-boy on the forehead with his wallet while grilling him on why it wasn't a good idea to steal from cars - and especially to do so in broad daylight. The other one was becoming extremely anxious and pulled a package of cigarettes out and began to light one, which Matt quickly snatched away while explaining the evils of smoking in such a way that had Health Canada been watching, they'd have hired him on the spot. We kept this up until their bus (the last one of the day) had passed on by, leaving them with a long walk home all teary-eyed.

So, items returned to their rightful owner, two young criminals scared straight and left to walk home, and free smokes for the good guys. Unfortunately, they were crappy American discount menthol smokes, but they were still smokes. And free.

I'm sure the casual observer may have seen it as a pair of 25-year old men in expensive suits robbing two innocent young boys...
(Thu 15th Jun 2006, 17:26, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

Just Remembered Why I hated Phys-Ed
I hated phys-ed in high school. Lots of accidentals there, but the taker is this:

We're doing our routine stretches: our teacher, a very attractive woman, is directly in front of me doing push-ups, and I can see right down her shirt.

Cue horrible un-hideable stiffy due to those damn gym shorts. To make matters even worse, the stretch I was doing caused me to let out a massive fart which reverberated off the walls of the gymnasium, thus attracting the attention of the entire class.
(Fri 3rd Feb 2006, 9:52, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Don't Look Down
Last time I was genuinely scared was in the spring of 2005. I was on the night crew working a month-long shutdown at an oil refinery. We had one unit left to test for the night, a bank of cooling fans sitting way up on a platform some 200 to 250 feet high. A strong line of thunderstorms were due to hit around 7am. Now, it was only around 2:30, so we had lots of time to do the job, but we were concerned about the wind - it had begun to really pick up, steady around 50 km/h, gusts to around 90.

Instead of hauling all 200 lbs. of gear up with us to find out that it's too windy, we decided to head up to the location and check to see how sheltered the east face was from the wind. So we begin our ascent. The path up is comprised of 6 sets of open (save for the top 5 or so feet, which is caged)ladders that zig-zag their way around the tower. I was lead, and once I got within 7 feet of the top level - WHOOSH!! - a 100 km/h gust hit me square in the body. The Nomex parka I was wearing, while keeping me quite warm, acted like a parafoil - my entire body was lifted into an almost horizontal position. Had I not had a death-grip on the rungs I surely would have become swept away to fall to my messy death. As soon as I was back firmly on the ladder, the guys decided we should go back down and relax in our trailer until it was time to go back to the hotel. I happily agreed.
(Thu 22nd Feb 2007, 20:38, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

Most Rockstar Moment:
I was filling in the bassist's position in a co-workers band for a couple of gigs. I don't usually play bass, as it felt like a demotion so I was a little angsty about it. Anyway, at this festival gig, I kept getting the odd zap through the strings. Halfway through the set, I got a huge zap which stunned me for a good 30 seconds, stopping the song. After a few words with the singer, I find out that he broke the ground prong from the PA, so every time he touched the mic, I'd get electrocuted - but he was aware of this, and wore shock-resistant work boots. In a fit of rage I smashed the head of the bass into the nearest speaker cab, then tossed it 12 feet into the air, snapping the neck, flipped the singer off, told the rest of the band to fuck off and stormed off to the beer tent while the entire audience stared with their jaws on the floor.

I didn't even like the band's material - the singer was one of those Jerry Cantrell rip-offs, and the songs stunk. Besides, it wasn't metal enough for my liking, was too wussy.
(Thu 29th Jun 2006, 18:01, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Hit me in my Prince Adam...
I've had my share of razor nicks (learned not to do that anymore!), kicks to the junk, and zipper mishaps, but this one's a legend in the family. My mum still likes to tell this to everyone she knows.

Back when I was 4 or 5, my mum's friend came over with her son. He found my toybox and discovered my collection of He-Man figures, which started getting him hyper, as he was probably the biggest MOTU fan in existence.

Later on I left to go have a piss - being so young, I never locked the bathroom door as it was difficult to unlock. Well, Mr. He-Man wonders where I've dissapeared to, and swings the door open. In his hand is a plastic cone from a baby's ring-stacking toy, which he uses as a sword, screaming out "By the power of Grayskull... I HAVE THE POWER!!!" and sends this big green piece of plastic crashing down on my willy. I was bleeding - the seam in the plastic thing had slashed my knob open. Time to see the doctor.

Thankfully it was only a small scratch and nothing too serious... like say, getting a three inch splinter stuck in the knob, which happened about a year later.
(Sat 15th Jul 2006, 19:22, More)
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