b3ta.com user Damocles
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Profile for Damocles:
Profile Info:

I had a profile once. Didn't much care for it.

Recent front page messages:

I always wondered how they powered that thing...

Click for mahoosive (3.4MB)

(Wed 11th May 2011, 9:55, More)

poor lil fella,
he's been living under a rock...

Click for massiiiiiiiive (1.6MB)

(Tue 26th Apr 2011, 9:36, More)

excuse me while I pea in the compo pool

(Thu 17th Feb 2011, 20:49, More)

Ning folks, are we all wearing smashing blouses?

(Tue 25th Jan 2011, 15:15, More)

oh shit, that's horrible.
Jess was a lovely person, she'll be missed.

Give prof our sympathies.

For Jessie, peace be with you.

She left her mark on this place, and all those she spoke to. B3ta, and the world, are much poorer without her. RIP.
(Mon 17th May 2010, 14:35, More)


(Wed 12th May 2010, 21:57, More)

din-din didiin din didin din di dindin

(Thu 29th Apr 2010, 9:11, More)

The 4 horsemen of the politalypse

(Tue 27th Apr 2010, 11:53, More)

(Thu 22nd Apr 2010, 10:31, More)

Order now to avoid disappointment!

(Sat 17th Apr 2010, 17:35, More)

If I had the force...

Click for cleanerer and longerer (1.2MB)

(Mon 15th Mar 2010, 20:18, More)

(Tue 23rd Feb 2010, 19:34, More)

(Wed 3rd Feb 2010, 23:16, More)

(Wed 6th Jan 2010, 15:05, More)

(Thu 31st Dec 2009, 15:44, More)

(Tue 22nd Dec 2009, 22:22, More)

I never did like him much...

(Tue 30th Jun 2009, 23:49, More)

Pass the hammer, please

(Mon 15th Jun 2009, 17:36, More)

(Mon 4th May 2009, 23:29, More)

good as place as any for a cheeky pea...

(Wed 18th Mar 2009, 21:40, More)

It's working!

(Sun 8th Mar 2009, 14:00, More)

Oh dear... he's doing it again

(Wed 26th Nov 2008, 17:02, More)

Ever have one of those days...

(Wed 19th Nov 2008, 21:04, More)

Dammit, I want my kitty burgers!


(Thu 9th Oct 2008, 22:17, More)

Click for bigger n cleaner (400k)

(Fri 1st Aug 2008, 22:35, More)

(Wed 28th May 2008, 19:50, More)

and the link to the original fluffy video: awwww the spacktard fluff!
(Tue 1st Apr 2008, 23:02, More)

He knows it's true

Click for biggerer (1MB)

(Sun 23rd Mar 2008, 17:21, More)

dick and quirty...

(Sun 2nd Mar 2008, 21:23, More)

CFB (530k)

(Fri 22nd Feb 2008, 22:28, More)

(Wed 28th Nov 2007, 15:19, More)

You will scratch my belly in seven days

(Sat 11th Aug 2007, 11:20, More)

Rumsfeld regretted buying swivel chairs for his office

(Tue 7th Aug 2007, 11:44, More)

Now that's some bad luck....

...true story
(Sun 8th Jul 2007, 15:38, More)

ehhh, What's up Arnie?

(Sun 8th Jul 2007, 0:07, More)

I think I spoil my cat...

nice little earner though
(Tue 3rd Jul 2007, 0:05, More)

This doesn't half remind me of gremlins for some reason...

Click for bigger, cleaner version (900k)

(Sat 30th Jun 2007, 22:20, More)

(Wed 27th Jun 2007, 14:53, More)

Ah, the miracle of creation...

(Wed 13th Jun 2007, 23:14, More)

The Doctor was right,
they really are fast

(Sun 10th Jun 2007, 20:46, More)

(Wed 28th Feb 2007, 22:32, More)

I think I need more sleep...

(Tue 13th Feb 2007, 23:53, More)


(Thu 6th Jul 2006, 15:15, More)

...bet you thought she was gonna eat it
(Sat 3rd Jun 2006, 11:40, More)

I do believe that, finally, that little
switch in my brain marked "sane" has been flipped to off...

(Sat 27th Aug 2005, 14:11, More)

(Mon 15th Aug 2005, 20:16, More)

Extortionate!! Extortionate!!

(Tue 28th Jun 2005, 13:42, More)

The photo that ruined the career...

(Thu 24th Mar 2005, 14:50, More)

Ray Mears' Extreme Survival

(Sun 13th Feb 2005, 14:48, More)

the DO's and DO NOT's of zombie infestation
#3 DO NOT leave it for others to deal with

#1 DO NOT use automatic weapons
#2 DO lock all doors and windows
(Sat 29th Jan 2005, 17:52, More)

Natural selection can be very cruel

(Sun 16th Jan 2005, 18:29, More)

And now in non-scanline, dial-up killing style:
Get it here (~700k)
(Wed 22nd Dec 2004, 16:50, More)

There's nothing worse than
running out of gadgets when being attacked by a rubber shark...

I'm beginning to think there might be something wrong with me...
(Thu 9th Dec 2004, 0:44, More)


No 19
No 18 ... No 17
No 16 ... No 15
No 14 ... No 13
No 12 ... No 11
No 10 ... No 9
No 8 ... No 7
No 6 ... No 5
No 4 ... No 3
No 2 ... No 1

Yeah, I know this one is a bit of a rip-off of No 7. It's hard thinking up 20 ideas ya know! :)
(Thu 11th Nov 2004, 23:02, More)


woohoo - FP thanks magic donkey....or bob.
(Thu 8th Jul 2004, 10:26, More)

New Olympic Sport: Hamster Tubin'

(Sun 1st Feb 2004, 18:32, More)

The Gibraltan Macacs hated the new GM bananas

Woohoo - FP'd. Mucho Gracias Magic Donkey!
(Sun 1st Feb 2004, 15:36, More)

Clarabelle wished she hadn't started watching The Green Mile

(Mon 8th Dec 2003, 17:11, More)

Mommy, mommy! I can see santa!

That's nice, dear.
(Fri 21st Nov 2003, 18:57, More)

Inspired by sea urchin's
earlier post...

(Mon 27th Oct 2003, 13:25, More)

When practical jokes go too far...

Holy crap - that's the fastest FP I've ever seen! Thanks magic donkey!
(Thu 23rd Oct 2003, 14:31, More)

dunno why

(Mon 7th Apr 2003, 23:51, More)

When you owe the goldfish mafia
you pay up!

(Mon 17th Mar 2003, 12:43, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Cheap Tat

mmm, cheap meat, cheap enema
When I moved house a while back, I had to blow every damn penny I had on security deposits and moving costs, so I had to last a week on £15 before my next pay packet came through. So off I trot to asda and buy all the cheap shit I can find, lots of pasta, rice and joy of joys, asda economy burgers. 8 for 99p!

Dear Lord, never again.

I've never had food poisoning before. And I'll die a happy man if I never have it again. Approx 11/2 hours after eating a couple of these sawdust burgers, I was being very, very, very sick into the toilet. It was spraying out so violently that I had to dip my head under the rim to keep it all in the bowl. As if that wasn't bad enough, it then started coming out the other end with just as much gusto. I had to choose between sick in toilet or shit in toilet. In the end, to save destroying the carpet, I had to puke in the toilet and shit in my pants. This went on for about 30 minutes. By the end it was just bright orange bile coming out of both ends. My throat and arsehole burned red hot for days.

I'll never forget the sensation of hot liquid shit endlessly filling the seat of my trousers and then spreading down the legs. I had to bend my legs tightly to create a seal and keep it all from spreading out onto the carpet. And to round it all off, those 99p burgers ruined a £20 pair of jeans.
(Fri 4th Jan 2008, 12:42, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

When I were a nipper
we had a mongrel dog, which was fat, stupid and smelled like last week's fish and chips. But he was ours and we loved tolerated him. When I was about 13 and he was about 10 (so getting on in dog years) my older sister came over and she brought her new dog. It was a glorious Collie/Alsation cross that was tall, beautiful, striking, and the doggie equivalent of that 18 year old that suddenly blossoms and all the guys would cut off their left testicle to get with her.

Now, my fat, stupid, smelly dog had never been within groping range of a female dog before, let alone without being on a leash. This was doggy heaven. It was like having your own dream girl come to your door and strip off. Except she wasn't quite so willing.

Cue about an hour of my dog trying to hump the new dog (which was about a foot taller than him). She would constantly bite him to tell him no, but five minutes later he would have weighed up the risk of losing a limb with the chance of getting his leg over and he'd be back at it.

And the cruelty? There was two parts.

Firstly, the poor bitch had been trapped in the same room as the canine sewage farm for several hours, having to constantly fend off his advances. I guess it's the equivalent of a young woman being constantly hit on at the pub by the dirty old letch (every pub has one) except this time the doors are locked.

Secondly, my poor hellspawn had the biggest erection you've ever seen, and it wasn't going to go away while she was around. He literally could not sit down for two hours because it was dragging along the floor. I'll never forget the image of looking over at my dog, who was standing there, exhausted, panting, sore, whopping great stiffy resting gently on the carpet, and looking like he was thinking "just give me five minutes, I'll get her this time..... Maybe 10 minutes"
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 12:12, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

There was a kid who, though not in my class, he was a friend of mine. The poor sod has Spinobifida and one of the operations he had to correct his spine when he was young left him with rather poor bladder control. It just so happens that if you made him jump or scared him enough, he would wet himself. Now I'm a nice person so I kept the fact that he was a walking piss bomb to myself, but one day there was a knock on my door. I open the door and he's standing there in a puddle of piss. I look at him the way you do when someone is standing in their own piss - and he looks up and says:

"there was a bee"
(Fri 19th Jan 2007, 17:41, More)

» Pet Stories

When I was growing up...
...we had a cat and a dog. As we all know, cats are smart and dogs are.....not.

My cat used to torment the dog something rotten. When she was bored, she would attack the dog and get him worked up till he started chasing her. Then she would run around the sofa a couple of times, with the dog in tow, before jumping onto the armrest. When in prime position, she would whack the dog as he ran past. And being.....not smart, he would run around and around the sofa, convinced that if he just ran fast enough he would catch that pesky cat. He would run faster and faster until eventually he would collapse from exhaustion in a heap, at which point the cat would get bored and eat the dog's food.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 10:29, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

His name was Paul. While not technically in my class, he was in my year in middle school. So when the year goes on a school trip to Lyons, France, the rest of us have to put up with him and his strange odours.

Now, the dorms we were staying in were arranged so that there was a long corridor, and the dorm rooms were all down one side. At the end of the corridor were two toilets. One morning we are all getting ready for the day ahead in the rooms when we hear (with full doppler effect):


and we look up to see Paul legging it past the doors looking somewhat panicked. Naturally we all stick our heads out the doors and watch as he legs it down the corridor and out the doors at the end. We look back the other way to see what could have spooked him so, just in time to see one of the toilets...bubbling over. A brown liquid was pouring out the top of the bowl accompanied by the odd bubbling and gurgling noise. Then it surfaced. The mother of all turds rose out of the water like an alligator stalking its prey, then promptly slopped over the side with a wet splat. It was then carried by a small wave of brown water along the length of the corridor as we all scrambled for higher ground. The turd sailed, almost gracefully past the doors before butting up against the exit doors at the end of the corridor. Oddly I can't remember how we managed to get out of the dorms that day. I must have blocked that experience out.
(Fri 19th Jan 2007, 17:20, More)
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