hmmmm /coat already

plzzz dont castrate me if this red x's!!!
this is me first post as well, so if people dont laugh AT me i'll be happy :D
(Sat 29th Mar 2003, 23:11, More)

» Customers from Hell

Good old customers
Working in a call centre I get no end of idiots on the other end of the line. Our chosen speciality is Fraud (stopping it, not perpetrating it).

Recently, as some of you lot will probably know, there has been a propensity for a pop up to appear on the toolbar asking you to upgrade your anti-virus software otherwise xy and z will happen, as detailed on this link.

www.fife.gov.uk/news/index.cfm?fuseaction=news.display&objectid=FF9BF953-984A-D737-2FADB57C499D5050

This is one of the most obvious scams, but so far I have dealt with about 500 of these cases. When people ring up and I ask if they put their credit card details into a pop-up, they say yes. I then say "well, technically it is your fault, would you give your card and pin to someone on the street if they said they needed to check it out?" They invariably answer in the negative.

People who give their card to someone then act surprised when they rob them blind are a favourite. They launch into a diatribe about how I am the one at fault and they should be protected.
The standard response to this one is
"If you lend your car to someone, and they crash it, would you moan at the car company?"
"err, no"
"so when you lend a credit card to someone, give them the PIN and then they use it, whose fault would that be?"
"well, putting it that way...*hang up"

Other favourites from my time in the service industry include

"Do you have any vegetarian chicken?"
"They're all vegetarian, chickens practice an ancient form of Buddhism, the story goes that they were present when the Buddha became enlightened and took on his ways"
"Oh, excellent, I'll have some of that then"

"This gazpacho soup is cold"
Didn't even dignify that with an answer.

*whilst silver serving a full tray of meat*
"could you get us some drinks right away?"
"I'll do it in a minute, I'm a little tied up now"
"When I go to a restaurant and I ask for something I expect to get it"
"In 2 weeks I'll be able to do that for you and multi-task, you see, I'm getting an extra pair of arms sewn on"
"They can do that now?"
"Yeah, wonders of modern science eh?"

Same bloke then complained that his Yorkshire puddings looked homemade. When asked if he could wait a few hours whilst I got some couriered from Rotherham he went quiet again.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 16:54, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

back when i used to work for a footie club
I was one of the "team leaders" in the restaurant, so could basically get all the agency idiots to do all my work.
Also became good mates with the manager and other supervisors, which led to many shennanigans...
Deciding to have a party after work, none of us had money for booze, not a problem, go to the store room and fill up a bin bag with bottles, leave by the bins and pick up later.
Drive a car round to the cellar doors, roll a barrel of beer out along with a pump thing to let us get at it.

Also was going out with one of the girls there, and had a scam going with taxi receipts, where we would both get the same taxi back to her house, give the taxi driver a few quid extra and get 2 or 3 more receipts, which would then be filled in at her house in her mums handwriting to the sum of £20ish each. Profit off of each taxi ride after paying the original fare was about £40, meant that we could go and get wasted after work or do stuff rather than wasting wages.

Oh, and having sex in the tablecloth cupboard. I made sure the one I wiped my nob on was used on the cocky fuckers table.

At a club when I was at uni, took to drinking in the cellar and hiding the rubbish in the gap between the roof tiles and ceiling proper.
Also operated a policy, whereby prices would go through as a 1p no-sale, and the money would end up in my tip jar. Used to make about £20 a night from that.

Mates rates drinks, ie - 40p a round no matter how big or small.

To be fair, in that job 11 out of 12 months they didnt pay me and I had to go get a cheque, at one point I was owed £760 and living off one slice of toast a day and making myself seriously ill.

Got sacked for allegedly being racist, as an innocuous comment got Chinese whispered to the mini-hitler boss who was so far away from the right end of the stick she was sat under another tree.

Happy days, now I have a real job that isn't in the "service" industry :)
(Fri 10th Aug 2007, 14:48, More)

» Work Experience

at the local old Midland Bank...
My first work experience placement, sat reorganising the cash register as the monkey before me had left it in a state and disorganised, pulled one of the notes out and set the alarm off.
Shutters flew up, armed police surrounding the building 30 seconds later and me pretty much crapping myself thinking "shit shit shit shit shit shit"
Had to close the branch for the rest of the day, only 3 hours but cost them a fair bit of cash that day.
Also, got let into the vault and had to count out £750,000 - a fair bit of cash when you are just turned 15, I literally had the devil and angel sat on my shoulders saying "go on, its only £50k and they don't search you"
"no, don't do it, it's not worth it, you're an honest boy"
So close to nicking it but decided not to.
(Thu 10th May 2007, 10:11, More)

» The Police

Safe cops!
Me and a mate were sitting on the local park at about 3am last summer enjoying a fair bit of weed, both pretty stoned (I had begun to shake quite violently) when a police car pulls onto the park.

Cop drives past once with a flashlight as bright as the sun blaring towards us, and then drives back again and stops next to the bandstand. Gets out his car, walks up the steps, we're absolutely shitting it, and he says "Bit late surely lads, what you doing on here"

Luckily I hadnt got the skinning up equipment out, and even though only 5 minutes previously I had been shaking like a leaf, managed possibly the most intelligent sentence I have ever spoken... "Well, actually officer, we just fancied coming on here because it is out of the way of all the idiots and drunks in town and we didnt want to cause any trouble, just stay out until sunrise"

Officer looks at us slightly funny, then says "oh, ok. But if you see a tall bloke in a black leather jacket give us a call straight away" and handed us his card.

I skinned up again, and not only did we see what we thought was the "suspect" but my mate also remembered that he had a good 40 pills in his wallet, enough to get us both put away for a fair while (supplying class A drugs and whatnot).

However, about 45 minutes later, he came back, only with another officer. We were now thinking something along the lines of "we're fucked now" as I had all the requirements strewn out in front of me to make a joint. Both policemen get out the car, walk up the steps and say to us "come on now ya cheeky fuckers, smoke that on the way home and get to bed". Then just drove off and left us slightly shitting ourselves as they knew what was happening but also the two most relieved 19 year olds in the world!
(Thu 22nd Sep 2005, 18:30, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

Games on the 23 bus...
Our bus goes through a little suburb of Ilkeston known as little Beirut. Its the teenage pregnancy, vandalism, unemployment capital of the world.

Anywho, games we play are...
1) How young was she when she had her first kid?
2) How many kids does she have?
3) How many offences has he/she committed?
4) How much dole money do they claim?
5) Which STD's?

and numerous others i cant think of!
(Thu 1st Apr 2004, 22:15, More)