b3ta.com user jonas is not my name
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<insert witty comment here>

If you want to find out more about me (god knows why) then take a look at my crap website.



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» Airport Stories

When returning from a holiday in florida one time,
I was asked by security if I had packed my own bag. I answered, in all innocence, "No, my wife packed it for me". My wife was standing right next to me at this point.

The security guard just scowled at me and said "I'll ask you again: did you pack this bag yourself?"

To which I replied "Why yes, of course I did."

He then smiled and let me board...

So it would seem that as as long as you give the answer they want, it doesn't matter if you lie or even that they know you are lieing...
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 13:49, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Not so much wanking as a hand-job story
Anyway, a couple of years ago when we were students, my girlfirend and I went on holiday to Ireland with another couple we were friends with.

After the holiday, we were driving home, having just dropped our friends off at their place. Being young, adventurous and very horny, my girlfriend and I started to engage in a bit of mutual masturbation whilst bombing down the motorway at 90mph.

Things progressed, and I uttered the very romantic words "I'm going to come, get something to catch it". In response to which, My girlfriend grabbed what looked like a fluffy towel from the back seat, and I proceeded to fill it with my love juice (euphamisms are great aren't they?).

Of course, it wasn't until afterwards, that we realised that it was our friend's cashmere sweater that I had just spunked into.
Our friend asked for her sweater back the next day as she remembered leaving it in our car. We had no choice but to own up to what we had done. She didn't want the sweater back despite our offers of dry cleaning.

Oh well. It felt great though :-)
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 12:34, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

Oh yes I felt really old the other night
When waiting to cross the road, a group of kids drove past in a nova and shouted out "Get some dress sense grandad!"

If I hadn't been too preoccupied thinking about changing my mortgage, I'd have been able to come up with a witty reply.

Ho Hum.
(Thu 28th Oct 2004, 14:14, More)

» Useless Information

Did you know most people will re-tell a purported fact verbatim, without even checking on snopes to see if it is an urban legend and thus utter bollocks.
(Thu 17th Mar 2005, 17:46, More)

» Scars with history

hereditary scar
When I was about 5, I was visiting my grandma's house when I managed to get my hand stuck between the kitchen door and it's frame. My cries of pain resulted in my Dad coming through to see what was wrong, opening the kitchen door and cutting the tip off my index finger in the process.

The doctors managed to stitch it back on but I now have a scar "ring" around the tip of my finger. And the nail grows in a funny shape.

Even more interesting is that my dad has an identical scar, obtained in an identical manner when he got his hand stuck in the same door when he was 5.
(Tue 8th Feb 2005, 12:58, More)
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