Working in Tesco's
a few years back, there was a particularly 'special' trolley boy named Sean. He was 34 and had been working as trolley boy for about 6 years.

Sitting in the staff canteen, one of the older guys who worked on Wines and Spirits was telling Sean & myself about his army days, specifically the story of how one solider had been caught fucking an orange filled with toothpaste. The story went that the soldier said the orange/toothpaste was the closest thing to a vagina they could get in the barracks and pretty soon all the troops had minty fresh cocks and pips under their foreskin (Urban myth? Who knows...).

I went back to the canteen at the end of the (same) day for my last break and there was the same guy telling the same story, I sat and had a cigarette when Sean lumbered through just at the part "it feels just like a vagina..." to which he proudly shouted "Ha! It fucking doesn't!" over his shoulder. With perhaps the best unintentional comic timing I have ever witnessed, my manager walked in as Sean walked out and said "Some daft cunts jammed an orange in the toilet...".

And that is the closest I have ever come to soiling myself.
( moonjam, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 23:29, Reply)

Oh the shame - the horrible horrible shame!
*Sob*
I'm crying with the shame of this story...

One day when I was a nipper I was going through my most furious fist and the furious stage (a billion times a day or something). Well anyway I had a thing for Jet from Gladiators (the shame)and had recorded the previous nights episode on my massive video. Anyway while watching it Jet was about to do her speciality - the over head rings thing - and I defy any man to not find that a turn on! Feeling randy I watched her lift her right leg really high in the air! Being well turned on I paused the video and proceeded to thrash one out.
So I had my trousers round my ankles and was stood in front of the TV, well into the vinegar strokes when my door swung open and there was my Dad!!!! Shit! As I was facing the door there was no way he couldn't tell what I was doing! Within the same second our extremely excitable dog barged into the room and jumped up at me at the very same time my purple monster spurted my man milk! The dog got it full in the face and I fell backwards onto the bed, cock in hand!
My Dad was bright red and tried to chase the dog out of the room while I started crying and tried to hide my shame! Burying my face in the pillow I really really wanted to die....
then out of the quiet and my muffled sobs I heard my Dad say "I prefer Lightning to that Jet" then he closed the door!
Sometime later I ventured downstairs and into the kitchen fearing laughs and ridicule only to be greeted with the sight of my Dad washing the Dog out in the yard!!!!!

Dad I salute you!
(Manatee Fondler, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 10:05, Reply)

Read the "quotes" in a Scottish accent, they'll be funnier.
The place - Central Scotland. The time - mid 1970's.
From ages 11 to 15-ish my best mate was a fella nicknamed Dusty, I won't use his real name in order to spare any embarrasment. Dusty also hung around with a grotty little kid called Jamesie Stewart, Jamesie lived on a nasty council estate and my mum forbid me to hang around with him as he was "nasty and common". Dusty used to tell me all sorts of foul stories about this chap and his equally grotty family. Best one being this -
One night Dusty was having a sleepover at Jamesie's, come bed time they were in bunk beds, Dusty in the top one, his host in the lower. During the preceeding evening they had entertained themselves by playing 'kiss, cuddle or torture' (or 'kiss chase' if you prefer) the main object of pursuit being Jamesie's older sister. She was a couple of years older than the boys and, I guarantee you, not a comely wench by any means.
Having been asleep for awhile, Dusty was awakened by the unmistakeable sensation of someone fondling his dick, sat bolt upright in bed about to defend his honour when he realised it was Jamesie's big sister. The bold lass proceeded to climb up onto the bed and in the course of time relieved young Dusty of his virginity. This being done, she headed back off to her own room.
Cut to the next morning. Jamesie and Dusty eating coco pops in the kitchen, Jamesie is eyeing a mute Dusty with a knowing look. Eventually in an attempt to clear the air Dusty says "er....so....em....did you sleep alright last night?". Jamesies replies with "I heard you and my sister, you dirty bastard, if that's what you mean". There is an extended silence which Dusty breaks with a half heartedly apologetic "er, sorry man.....um....you know". To which the immortal reply came "ach, don't worry about it, I was having a wank myself !".

Class.
(The Pink Strat Copy, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 9:26, Reply)

Come baby come baby, baby come come
I remember this like it was yesterday (even though it was about 12 years ago). I was bashing away in my living room to the video to Come Baby Come by K7, with my parents in the next shitting room, fer chrissakes (this must have been during my 'horny as a dog' phase). My mum walked in, I covered my shame with a nearby cushion and hoped that she didn't notice. But she did.

Only she didn't think I was wanking. If she did, the story wouldn't have been half as bad. No, she thought I had taken a biscuit from the kitchen, and thought she'd engage me in a bit of jovial tug of war with the cushion covering my rapidly shrinking penis. This went on for about 30 seconds, her laughing as she tried to shed light on my supposed theft, me terrified I'd flash my mum and she'd find out I was flogging the horse to a music video.

Eventually, she noticed the sweat dripping down my forehead and my teenage grip won out against her maternal tugging. I turned away, cock still hanging out, and ran down the corridor, laughing maniacally. To this day, I don't know whether she figured it out or not.
(MrSnuggly, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:56, Reply)

OK,
When I was 19 I broke my leg rather badly in an accident with a motorbike and as a result I had to spend almost 6 months in hospital in traction.
It was a long hot summer and the nurse’s uniforms often caught the light in such a way that they became translucent and the sight of inner thigh and the occasional glimpse of stocking top often greeted my eye and drove my mind to thoughts of lust.

There was one rather fine blonde ward sister with whom I became besotted; she was very fit, firm, rounded and very, very sexy.
We got on well and she’d often talk to me and bring me an extra cup of tea or a nice biscuit, I fancied her like crazy and so one day I could contain myself no more.

To get the curtains pulled around my bed I buzzed said ward sister and asked for a bedpan she as usual obliged and we exchanged a few pleasantries. As she bent over the bed I had a clear view of her breasts and I was in the mood for tossing my caber more than I can explain, I’d not been on a solo flight for about 4 months, in fact I’d not been for an ‘evacuation’ for probably 5 or 6 and now was the time, I was going to go for it.

She drew the curtains, I relaxed and took myself in hand and began tugging away fervently like a madman… It didn’t take long till I felt myself reaching the point of final exit so I polished away with even more gusto when suddenly and without warning the nurse walked back in through the curtains with a cheery “Sorry, did I leave my stethoscope in here”.

She caught me in my full on cumface. I don’t know if it was the sight of her, the shock, or if it was just poor timing but as she stood there staring at me I exploded down below and covered myself from head to toe in my own sticky man goo.

“I’ll get a cloth” she said “Then you can clean yourself up”

She never brought the incident up again, but she also talked to me less and less and the teas and biscuits became fewer and farer between.

I was never more embarrassed.

Best wank of my life though.
( Darryn.R, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 8:18, Reply)

Mother-in-Law Horror
My wife's mother helped us move out of our apartment and into our very first house. We were new parents, so my wife was busy taking care of our baby. Thus mom-in-law went around with me and helped carry the bigger stuff. (Thankfully, what I'm about to describe happened before two of my best friends showed up to help, or else I'd still be crawled under my rock to this very day.)

The spare bedroom of the apartment was my office. It had enough space for a twin-sized bed along one wall, and in some sort of fatal miswiring of my brain I had completely forgotten that my entire stash of porn was hidden beneath it. Mother-in-law grabs one end of the mattress, I grab the other, and we lift and carry it out. Neither of us noticed a thing because the box springs were still on the frame. We come back and take the box springs next, and there's three stacks of quality glossy skin mags, over a dozen well-used videotapes in their cases (very vividly and explicitly designed, of course), plus a little treasure-trove of Polaroids in a shoebox--pictures my wife had generously volunteered to contribute.

Problem is, I was backing out and the box springs completely shielded my view of what had been revealed beneath them. My mother-in-law, though, had to step directly over it all in order to proceed toward the door. Upon returning to that room for the frame, I cluelessly decided to take a rest and grab a drink from the fridge. Mom-in-law, meanwhile, zipped right back there without a word. I find her about five minutes later, sitting in my cheap little desk chair, turning the case for "Rocco Goes to Prague" over and over in her hands. No expression on her face. Polaroids of her naked and very enthusiastic daughter are laid up and down each thigh in two neat little cascading rows. She'd looked at each and every one.

As luck would have it--if you could call it that--I had entered the room noiselessly. So in effect I snuck up on her and "caught her" gawking at my stash. She was startled and jerked in surprise. All the Polaroids went sliding away off the tops of her thighs, and she actually made a motion like she was going to hide the videotape behind her back; but then she gathered herself and just calmly set it on the floor in front of her and began to politely pick up the naked pictures of her little girl and stack them back inside the shoebox. "Sorry," she mutters. Her face goes from red to purple.

What could I say? How could I even continue to live, for that matter? But, somehow, my voice sort of croaked out this lame little response: "Well, um, thanks for your help." And I turned and walked back out, sat at the kitchen table, and waited for the worst. But you know what? Next thing I heard was some innocuous "goo-goo-ga-ga" baby talk of mother-in-law's; she'd gone into the master bedroom with my wife to oooh and ahhh at the baby. And she stayed in there for a good long time, giving me the chance to box up all my porn and get it safely into the moving van. And we went back to working together a little while later like nothing had happened at all.

She never told, God bless her.

But I rather quickly (sad to say) discovered that the entire set of porn was effectively useless from that point forward, because my mother-in-law's presence was overpowering in my traumatized mind every time I tried to get out one of those mags or play a tape. And so the Polaroids went in a thick envelope in the back of my sock drawer, and the rest of it got dumped. Happy ending -- I got to start acquiring new stuff, and that coincided nicely with our first ever Internet account, so you can imagine how quickly I was able to ease my pain over losing so much lovingly-collected porn.

But of course, even to this day, I stilll can't look her straight in the eye.
(tookishlad, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 14:13, Reply)

Speed wank
A few years back (about 7) my girlfriend lived up in a posh bit of Surrey, while I lived 70 miles away in Sussex. After one particularly frustrating and blue-ball inducing night with her on the sofa I set off home early on Sunday morning. I was driving back down the deserted M25 and came up with the stunning idea of rubbing out out while driving. I slid the seat back to get a bit of leg room, moved over to the slow lane and settled at a steady 70mph in my £600 Metro. Content with the conditions I unzipped myself and set to work. Everything was going fine, and I kept an eye on the rear view mirror. This little trick meant I had plenty of time to tuck the old chap away the few times a car overtook me.
As I was about to finish the job something happened that I hadn't planned, ploughing down on the left had side of me (and therefore completely out of view) from the slip road was a coach full of soldiers that got a birds eye view of me spunking my load all over myself and the dashboard while swerving across 3 lanes of motorway at the sudden approach of 50 overhead spectators.
(BadgerOnToast, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:41, Reply)

Pipe Experiment
I never realised that the 'cock rings' that I regularly saw in magazines (as a teenager) were adjustable so that they could be RELEASED.
You learn these things by experimenting...
Or.... for want of a better expression... the hard way.
Teenage lad (shortly after the blissfull discovery of the "orgasm") slips a napkin ring around his todger... and uses it as a wanking handle.
Mid session, the make-shift napkin suddenly became too big for the ring... Being the smart lad I was, I reasoned "It'll go down if I get turned off".. so, 10 minutes of mentally picturing my grandmother naked should fix it... but No! I was infact increasing in size. After being horrified by the discovery that I obviously harboured disturbing thoughts for my Gran, I took no joy in the discovery and Realisation of the bio-mechanics behind my now monsterous and painful hardon.
You know how a love-bite/hickey causes surface capilaries to burst, and make your skin go a blotchy red/purple? well... my Dick was VERY much like that... ALL OVER.
I was terrified, and in my moment of need turned to my trusty Minicraft Drill... Two cutting disks later, the pewter napkin ring was only HALF off!! Compunding my misery, pain and horror, my MUM came up to see why i was "making toys" at 2:00am on a school night.

I bear the scars to this day.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 2 Jun 2004, 15:59, Reply)

Two stories from Boarding School
I used to go to boarding school, although I didn't board myself. Here are two stories that come to mind....

1: Midnight 'Liberty X' wanking
One night, my best friend woke up in the early hours of the morning with an incredibly dry throat. Wandering half asleep down the corridor to the communal fridge to get a carton of milk, he was rudely jolted into full consciousness by the sight of his next-door neighbour (a strange German/Chinese boy called Georg who had a tendency to stalk my female friends) pulling one off. Stark naked. In the Common room. In front of a full length mirror. To make matters worse, he was wanking in time to the Liberty X track 'Sexy' (which he most definately was not). My mate wisely decided it was best to leave him to it, and from that day forward it became a tradition for people to bring back Vanilla Yoghurt pots from lunch and smear it over any mirror in sight.

2: Public Library wanking
It was just before our English A-Levels, and me, a friend and her Italian b/f were in the school library doing some revision. After finishing going through her essay I went over to her table and started chatting to them, and was confused by the fact that neither of them seemed to be concentrating on what I was saying. I commented on this, and then got a glare from my friend. At this point my eyes strayed downwards and I realised that she was wanking her b/f off. I decided to leave them to it.

The best thing about the whole episode was that in our next English lesson I was able to tell our teacher with a perfectly straight face "(my friend's) been working ever so hard. Only this morning I caught her finishing off The Merchant of Venice in the Library". My shins were bruised for weeks from the under-table kick I got, by my god it was worth it.

I make no apologies whatsoever for my length.
( Shrub Rocketeer is a twisted emotional husk, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 19:47, Reply)

i've noticed a few comments going, "Where's your story Rob?"
Ok. I set the question. It's only fair I humiliate myself in public too.

I was 13 and full of the joys of youthful self-abuse. Nothing would stop me. I'd have a wank in the shower in the morning. Nip home from school, slip in a quick lunchtime wank. Get home after school, and I'd normally find time for a fast tug in the ad-break in Home & Away.

Basically I'm saying I liked wanking - and here comes the shame.

Me and my parents were in the car off to visit my gran. Things got a little tense - as they do when you're a sulky teenage boy at war with the world.

I can't remember what my Dad said, but retorted by calling him a wanker. I was pretty impressed with myself. I'd never been quite that rude to a parent before.

My mother - to her enternal credit - turns in her seat and goes, "No Rob. You're the wanker."

MY SECRET SHAME! SHE KNEW!

The journey was pretty much silent after that.
( rob, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 16:45, Reply)

at school
there was a kid called Ben who had special needs and would always have an assistant sit next to him. Pretty much every IT lesson we would hear the assistant telling him 'not to go on those naughty sites' and had to keep closing his internet.

One day the opportunity arose that his usual assistant wasn't available and no replacement could be found. So mid-lesson we hear a few gasps and Ben is frantically fwapping away to some teen site. The teacher shouts and goes running to the other side of the room, but its too late and he chubs all over his hand and keyboard. I've never seen a kid so happy, he turned around with a huge fucking grin clapping to himself, and when he gets shouted at just looks at the teacher in complete amazement, as if he's done nothing wrong.

I've never laughed so hard in my life
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 13:47, Reply)

Not caught, but the catchee
Arrived home early from a "be-a-top-boss" type conference to what I thought was an empty house [you know what's coming . . . but you're wrong}. My son (12 at the time) obviously though the same (house unoccupied by parents) as when I crept past his bedroom I caught the sight (in his wardrobe mirror) of him and his mate (whom we had known since he was three years old) having a friendly . . . er . . . tussle. I couldn't see anything but the motions (and sounds) conveyed enough to confirm that my son was wanking his mate off. The universe stopped for a few minutes as this (and many other thoughts) crashed into my brain, and I stood transfixed. Then, when my son moved his head towards his mate's groin I sort of decided the pair deserved a little privacy (thankfully I was liberal enough not to go crashing into the room, separate the pair and cause untold lifetime neurosis to all involved) and stealthily crept out of the house and nipped to the pub.

Needless to say, when my son told me he was gay a couple of years later I wasn't overly surprised.
(SneakyPete, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:43, Reply)

Most computer salesmen are tossers...
...but this one takes the soggy biscuit.

Not about me, of course. Or is it...?

Back in the late 80s I worked in sales for a dodgy IBM PC dealership in north London. This story concerns the national sales manager of one of our biggest competitors - a rival chain of PC dealers.

The story goes that he was on a fat cat biz trip to the US and decided to buy himself a cheapo video camera to bring home. He then spent much of his spare time on the trip pointing the camera at everything in sight, collecting memories for the folks at home.

Back in his hotel room that night, he was enjoying a little pay-per-view slippery grunty, and decided on a special extra treat for the lads back in the office.

Not having the appropriate cables, he improvised by pointing the camera directly at the TV screen to capture all the hot throbbing action.

On his return to Blighty, he chose to lighten the mood of his regular Monday sales meeting, by giving the boys a taste of his "special" home movie. Billing it as "some footage of the US sales conference", he popped the converted tape into the machine, cued it up, and walked casually to the back of the room to let the team enjoy themselves.

Their enjoyment was, of course, greatly enhanced by the fact that their boss was clearly visible, reflected in the screen of the hotel room TV, lying back across the bed and aggressively...um... stunting his career...
(michaelocc, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 5:33, Reply)

Oh Emma!
My cousin was walking back from a club with some friends a few years back, when they saw a single parked car in a cark park.
Inside was a man, slumped forward looking rather dead, so they flagged down a passing police car for help.
The policeman went up to the car, took out his truncheon and tapped politely on the window, at which point the 'corpse' woke up.
Mr Plod asked him if he was ok and if he would step out of the car. The man said he would really rather stay there, but the policeman insisted.
The car door was opened and the policemen, my cousin and her friends were in for a treat - the man had trousers and pants round his ankles, a cardboard cutout of Baby Spice, and his todger poking through a handy hole in said cutout.
Turns out he wasn't dead, he'd just wanked himself unconscious.
( Weetobix, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 10:38, Reply)

my penis is tiny
apologies for length
(pb4ugo2bed, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:28, Reply)

I actually got caught NOT having a wank...
My mother is disabled due to tremendous problems with her legs. Many years ago, when I was a lad of 17, she could still walk but regularly popped sleeping tablets at night so she could sleep through the pain. The only problem was that they took a great deal fo time to kick in and basically sent her tripping while they took effect. I used to work regular late shifts at the local video rental place and would frequently hear her stomping about the place after I got home, trying to have a conversation with the dog or something whilst the tablets took effect.

One evening I'm sitting quietly in my room, still in full uniform from work, having a game of Dungeon Keeper II on my PC before going to bed. Suddenly my bedroom door flies open and in stomps mother branding a fluffy clean towel.

"Will you please stop wanking into towels?!!" she says, stoned out of her gourd. I blinked in surprise. Possibly I didn't hear her correctly.
"I'm sorry?" I asked.
"We've got perfectly good tissue paper in the bathroom! Use that instead!" she says, giggling like a halfwit.
"Mother," I said in the self-righteous tone I was prone to using when irritated, "I assure you that I have not been wanking into towels. Besides, that one is clean as a whistle. I suspect you've just grabbed it from the airing cupboard."
"No, you've been using it for your self-abuse!"
"Uh-huh." I replied. "Good-night, mother."

The funny thing was that though at the time I was single, desperately horny and was therefore masturbating for Britain, I really hadn't been using towels, dirty or otherwise, to clean up my man-milk.

So insulted and wounded was I from the mere accusation that I waited until she had gone to bed, grabbed the cleanest, whitest towel I could find from the airing cupboard, cracked one off into it, refolded it and placed it back in the middle of the pile.

Petty retaliation? Me? ^_^
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 13:38, Reply)

My mates sister (honest!!) was doing the pathology bit of her medical degree
They had to examine one corpse to determine cause of death. The only clue they had was a large circular exit wound on the top of his shoulder. After much deliberation, the class decided that it was some sort of gunshot wound.

It actually turned out that the gentleman in question had been pleasuring himself, whilst stood on the edge of the bath. No bad thing, but he choose to have the handle of a broom up his bottom at the same time. And was using the shower curtain rail as something to grab hold of for support.

Unfortunately it would appear that shower curtain rails aren't the best 'wanking supports' as it snapped, impaling him upon the broom like a man kebab. And hence the shoulder exit wound.

I hope that's a warning to anyone considering having a wank with a broom up their arse whilst swinging from a shower curtain!!!

Still, you've gotta laugh, eh!
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 17:44, Reply)

Just remembered another one....
I didn't actually witness this myself, but have had it cheerily recounted to me at least 5 times.

A few of my mates were on an 18-30 holiday with some of their other rugby friends, one of which is a guy called Ali, who has become renouned as "the guy with the massive cock". This thing was scary, like a kids arm. He was having trouble getting laid because most women couldn't 'take him'. So, one night he managed to pull a german girl, and they disappeared into the bedroom. All the other guys piled into the other room, and, due to the thin walls, were subjected to a night of Ali yelling "TAKE THE INCHES!! TAKE THE INCHES YOU GERMAN BITCH!!", with intermittent groans / scream from aforementioned german girl.

In the morning, they were all sat out on the patio of their little villa thing, and Ali's door flew open, and out spilled this german girl in her underwear, in floods of tears, rubbing her face, closely followed by Ali, who threw her clothes at her while yelling "Now fuck off you bitch!", to which she replied "You have ruined my life!!!" before running off into the sunset.

He sauntered over to my friends, bollock naked, manhood blowing around like a windsock, before telling them that the german girl couldn't take him, so he tried her 'the other way', but that didn't work either (unsuprisingly), and that he got so frustrated when he woke up in the morning he simply polished one off all over her face, but she woke up just as he was reaching the peak of pleasure mountain, and through a cruel mix of physics knee-jerk reaction, he almost blinded the poor girl with his man-custard, which she obviously didn't take to kindly to, especially when he started giggling like a schoolgirl as she stumbled around the bedroom searching for something to wipe her face with.

Good times.
(Jon Norris, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 16:07, Reply)

morning monkey punishment
As a student, having a flat in the centre of town can have it's benefits - you're close to shops, bars, clubs - all good things.

But it has its downsides too...

My flatmate woke up one morning and like most 19 year olds decided he'd give the old chap a polish before Uni. So he shuffled to the edge of his bed, closed his eyes and thought of England.

Now, if instead of England he'd thought "Hang on, did I pull my curtains last night?" or "Isn't there a new office over the road?" then maybe his bleary eyes wouldn't have met the face of abject horror adorning the secretary in the window opposite.

The kind of face people tend to get after witnessing a sweaty, naked youth - tongue poking from one side of their mouth - trying angrily to remove their penis... whilst staring... out of the window... at you.

He moved his bed later that day. She was never seen again.
( moonjam, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:44, Reply)

Now let that be a lesson
This kid at my school was having a sneaky wank at the back of the class, and would have got away with it, but for one thing. He turned a deathly shade of white and screamed as he had managed to get his pods twisted around each other. Much to the young man's embarassment he was carted off to hospital, where he not only had to explain to the staff and his parents what had happened, but for this sin ended up having one of his bollocks removed.
He also had to suffer the embarrassment of going through the rest of his school days with the nick name "Womble". 'Cos he only had OneBall.
Wanker.
(Soots, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:45, Reply)

Special delivery
My dad gets up early to walk his beloved dog everyday (fear not, for this isn't a man-canine masturbation tale and you may read on). Anyway, somewhat misled by the fact that our back garden gate was always swinging open no matter how much he was sure that he'd locked it the night before, he decided to get up extra early one day and catch the crafty culprit.
Again, that gate swung about in the wind. Walking through it (muttering bugger and fuck as he went), he glanced through the window of our shed (which it must be said was remarkably warm and comfortable). Therein lay the paperboy, furiously nudging a spunk slug from his tiny semi-erect cock as he had done every day for two months in some kind of morning-shed-wank ritual.
I don't know what his house was like, but if you're so uncomfortable shaking one out in your own house that you need to do it in someone else's garden then may pity fall upon you.
He quit that afternoon, the twat.
(pb4ugo2bed, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 18:10, Reply)

Not me! (honest!)
A school friend of mine (namely Andrew) borrowed a dirty video from the school pervert. Bunking off from school early, he hurried home to do the deed.
As the only video player in the house was in the lounge, he checked to make sure no one was home, before settling down for a Thomas. Upon nearing the vinegar strokes, he hears his mum coming home from work early, in his panic, he realises he can only either A, cover himself up, or B, turn off the porn. Fearing the wrath of his mother, and the subsequent confiscating of the tape (which would of led to a sound drubbing from the school perv) he stops the tape…
Picture the scene. His mum bursts into the lounge, to find Andrew, sat next to a box of tissues, cock in hand, and postman pat on the TV. His excuse? He was hot.
( Docdead likes pork., Thu 3 Jun 2004, 23:32, Reply)

So many, So very Many.
a) Ex girlfriend who wore away the forehead of her teddy as good catholic girls dont touch themselves 'there'. Got her mum to replace it with a mismatching but pleasant feeling fake furry stuff.
b) Mate in army who was watched wanking by paratroop training staff whilst supposedly doing stag at night. They 'killed' him in up close and personal stylee as he chucked the yoghurt.
c) Walking in on my father seducing himself to 'big breasted action vol II' just after the long overdue collapse of his marriage. We dont speak much.
d) Voicing my concern about a strange smell in the cheap bedsit I moved into when I first arrived in the UK, the landlord said his previous tennant had done a runner a couple of weeks earlier in the summer, leaving bills etc. He had also left a customised calves liver in a hole in the mattress that he had been helping himself get to sleep with.
e) I discovered this wonderful hobby after watching older kids mime the action at each other in the playground. I went home and though 'what a waste of time' for quite a while, but persevered. Protestant work ethic soon paid off, again and again and again. The next two days were awful. My radishlike wang sat sorely in my pants and I cried when I weed.
f) It was not strictly wanking. My (catholic in a) gf was doing the deed whilst I was reading a book in bed on a hot day. She was not putting much effort in, it was more of a curiousity thing. Without warning, I am in agony. Bolting out of bed, I saw a bobby pin protruding from the japs eye of my rapidly shrinking ladyprong. She had wondered 'how deep the hole went'.

apols for length
(I am the infinite monkey!, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 15:48, Reply)

Revision distraction
One day while i was at the computer supposed to be revising, my mum crept up on me to check I was actually studying and discovered me reading stories on b3ta about other people wanking.
(Kiorte, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:38, Reply)

"I have an Itch"
A message from Burb and Pufferfish:

A particular friend of mine takes pride in the fact that he can suck himself off. He has proven this by using such items as pencils etc. as props for demonstration. He has recounted many tales of certain events and predicaments he has been in. Such as the time he "accidentally" came all over his face. But the most brain-burstingly embarrassing moment was this little tale which was confirmed by the viewer themself. He was taking part in his favourite pasttime event with his trousers and pants around his ankles facing his bedroom door. In other words, he was fully exposed. When his Mum walked in only to see a certain eye staring at her. He then immdiately came up with the terribly thought-up response to his Mum who was in a state of uncontrollable laughter "I have an itch."
(AKismet, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 22:08, Reply)

Creamy goodness
My parents used to tell me that when the ice cream van played its tune, it was all outta ice cream. They said that if I wanted any ice cream I could make my own, by jerking off and then crumbling cadburies flake onto it, or strawberry sauce. Oh how the laughed when they videotaped me eating my own semen and had sex watching it later.
(lifelikeandposeable, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 11:56, Reply)

wanking monkeys
whilst visiting the lovely town of Chiang Mai in Thailand I was checking into a grotty hotel and was amused by an endearing little monkey who sat behind the counter with his little hand on the (male) receptionist's shoulder. This cute picture of interspecies friendship took a different turn when, whilst I filled in the registration form, the receptionist reached around and started wanking off the little monkey's cock. I found it totally offputting and forgot my passport number...
(Lordgert, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 20:25, Reply)

.
I rolled over one morning and found a steaming cup of tea by the side of my bed. As I had not been evacuating myself of manbatter, I went to roll back over, until I noticed my mum standing there vigourously flicking her bean over me.
(Glis, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 10:41, Reply)

flat share
Feeling the urge I ran home to my flat, which I shared with 2 other guys. One had his posh parents visiting. They liked the nice boy image i projected whenever they were around, and so i had to delay my self love for exchanging 'how do you do's. At the earliest but politest opportunity I took my leave and laid out all my magazines on my bed at their best pages. A couple of minutes later my other flatmate burst in wanting to borrow something. From my position behind the bed he couldn't see what i was doing, but the magazines on the bed were a clear give away. He didn't get it, so I had to resort to saying "Sorry, Wayne, but I'm having a wank". He still didn't get it. I ended up shouting 'NOT NOW, I'M HAVING A WANK!'

This time he got it. He replied "Oh yes...so you are" and left the room. When I came out smiling a few minutes later it was quite clear from the pained faces of my friend's parents that they got what I was doing too.
(bloodydoorsoff, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 14:59, Reply)

Back when I was younger
This was just before I had started wanking so I must have been pretty young but i knew what it was and I was the right age to be embarrassed by it. My Gran, in front of my Mum and Dad, asked me what wanking was... she'd heard the word on telly. My Mum told her it was another word for masturbation which she seemed content with. She then said to me 'Does that irritate your hand?'. I turned bright red, my Mum and Dad laughed their asses off and after a confused look my Gran piped up, 'I meant the bandage' - in all the excitement I had forgotten I had a sprained wrist from Basketball... she wasn't even senile.
(Chom, Wed 2 Jun 2004, 14:03, Reply)