» Shoddy Presents

I am the shoddy present princess!
My great aunt is absolutely loaded, but insists on buying me and my family tatty wrongness from carboots. One such speciality was my 16th birthday present: a second hand glass jelly mould and a pair of springy, self-tying shoelaces. Mortified. My mum also once got a pair of two left handed gloves, would have been ok, had she not been blessed with both a left and a right hand at birth. Dad's was the best though, Christmas a few years ago, all the family gathered round, he opens the big box (wrapped in wallpaper samples i add) and he is presented by a fuck off box of mushroom compost and six heavy-duty garden refuse sacks. I had to immediately leave in a fit of hysterics. It's coming up for my 22nd birthday, i'm thinking of getting the parents to tell her i've died, as i am not sure if my delicate soul can take any more!
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 12:23, More)

» We have to talk

arrrrrrgh no more talking!
I was about 18 and had just finished my very last a-level exam when I got the "we have to talk" line from my Mother.

I'd picked her up from work when she suggested that we stop for a sneaky beverage on the way home. I was driving so I decided to opt for a soft drink, but instead she decided to ply me with Jack Daniels (at four in the afternoon) and proceed to tell me that she was divorcing my Dad. She then bought me more drinks and made me skive off my shift at the local supermarket, as I was too pisseed to serve the unsuspecting public. What a fucking shit day that turned out to be.

I'd imagined that I'd be stoned off my tits and celebrating the end of an educational era. Needless to say I wasn't too keen on "talking" and couldn't really fancy the post-work night out on the lash with my mates after hearing about the demise of my parents marriage.

It's not all doom and gloom, the parentals got back together a month later and they celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary next year. It properly wanked all over my end of a-level celebrations though. I won't be forgetting that when it comes to choosing the retirement home....
(Mon 23rd Apr 2007, 21:57, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

You probably had to be there....
I was about 15 at the time, a complete shit at school and wanted to be out in the big, bad world instead of sat in classes having to listen to talentless teachers who hadn't really got a clue. Every day i was involved in some sort of tomfoolery which inevitably ended up with me in detention/having to visit the headmaster or spending the lesson sat outside.

We'd been out for lunch one day and were sat in the formroom before the tutor came in to regisiter us for afternoon lessons. This usually lasted about 20 mins before sloping off to other lessons. One lad, who wasn't in our class, had a stash of porn in his bag, which gave me a wonderful idea. We selected a lovely japanese centrefold, wearing just ice-skates (WTF) and attached it to the old-school revolving blackboard behind the teacher's desk. The board was revolved to hide the said image, hoping that she'd later discover it. Everyone was in on it and we thought it would be ace - she was a proper fuddy-duddy.

The tutor walks in and sits down and starts taking the register, straight after, she asks each one of us to go up one by one in alphabetical order to check our parents' contact details. We had not expected this turn of events, but the first person went up and edged the board down very discretely - i felt nervous, as this wasn't the plan. This went on for about 10 minutes with all of us doing our bit. The skates were poking out of the top so one of the lads thought he'd be a bit more brave and expose a bit more flesh.

The picture was alsmost directly behind the tutor's head at this point. We were all trying not to laugh and hoping she wouldn't stand up and turn around. My heart was beating as I knew everyone would grass me up.

Just to make it that bit sweeter an OFSTED inspector walked in and sat right at the back of class. None of us could do a thing and the tutor hadn't got a clue - I wouldn't have done it if I'd known an inspector would walk in. We all sat there trying to to laugh at the quim-tastic ice-skater. We got such a bollocking the next day, but it was worth it and surprisingly enough, no-one grassed me up. Bonus.
(Wed 25th Jul 2007, 16:47, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Ungodly grammar
Driving out of Nottingham one day, I noticed a clever bit of anti-Christian graffiti on a huge sign outside the weirdo Church off Gregory Boulevard (if you're local, you'll know which one I mean). "God Is Dead. Good." Who'd have thought that that two carefully placed full stops would result in such a clever twist? That'll teach 'em for preying on impressionable youngsters who may have been seduced by their poor use of grammar and trendy vocabulary!
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 18:24, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Factual graffiti...
A few years ago I used to regularly go and see one of my mates play in a band at the Old Vic in Derby. On one such occasion, after soundchecking we were messing around, when we stumbled across the most breathtakingly, thought-provoking piece of graffiti either of us had ever seen. "Most vikings are gay" it boldly declared. We both pondered for while, as to how this conclusion was reached. Was it just a sweeping generalisation? Did the author carry out a detailed survey of viking sexual orientation, or was this something more meaningful? I'd like to think that this was a genuine conclusion to a proper viking-based sociological experiment - but it was Derby. Aswers on a postcard please....
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 18:02, More)