» Shit Stories

A few stories
(Long post - a few memories)

Years back, going upstairs to prepare to go out I let out an impressively sharp-sounding yet loud ripper that had me laughing my head off. A few minutes later however my arse felt oddly cold. I checked in the mirror and to my horror found a great brown watery stripe. I cleaned/changed, sheepishly being thankful this happened at home. I took a pre-emptive shit just in case before I left.

I used to work for an IT firm in London & during a normal work day sitting talking to a colleague I kept getting a subtle, vague whiff of something - but checking my shoes revealed no canine curlers. Later on I retired to take a dump and found as I expelled a normal, solid log that I had the sensation of my arse hairs ripping apart. I puzzled this until a stark realisation hit home. I hurriedly checked the insides of my boxers and to my relief found that the previous-nights-beer-fart seepage had only permeated my arse beard. I hurriedly cleaned up all traces of bum grit and returned to the office.

One & only time I had to give a stool sample for which I was given a small plastic jar. Not sure how to do this I hovered suspended and deposited a perfectly just-less-than-small-sized-jar turd into the receptable, put the lid on and marveled as the sides steamed up. I was extremely proud until I noticed a large, bright green blob of mucus on the side of the turd! At the hospital samples counter I handed over the jar stating "this is for you" and quickly walked off. I've never again seen a mucus turd, only the one time it went public, typical.

I was hospitalised with a severe leg fracture once and in traction. After a few days not crapping I had to request the bed pan, and sat there doing the do as the most fetid smell erupted. When I inspected the evidence I found a putrid, slimey, glistening mass of green matter. Being in traction I couldn't get out of bed so had to simply request a nurse to collect
this abomination as I lay there and went a bright shade of red (she was pretty too, curses).

One time in some office toilets I was taking a dump and I heard groaning, huffing, puffing and sounds of pain from the next cubicle as I was trying not to laugh out loud. The guy left, and after I finished up I couldn't resist peeking in for a look and found a humungous OVAL deposit several inches across basking in the bowl. I was stunned and amused as I left the cubicle, only to meet the cleaning lady coming in the door as *I* walked out of the offending trap!

Finally for now, I used to work at a company where there was a very pale guy who seemed to eat nothing but sugary cakes. One time on entering the communal loo I found water near to the brim, and two pale cream coloured "sugar stools" peering up out of the water. A few days later the drains had to be cleaned as we had completely packed them with shit from our endless junk food and burgers diet. All of us except this guy (we didn't tell him hehe) joked about a white stripe running through the shit packed drain.
(Fri 7th May 2004, 1:24, More)

» The Onosecond

Promise of pain :(
Not a text/email but an onosecond moment...

Had been frying supreme fatty foodstuffs in pan that was now filling with oil (due to value nature of supreme foodstuffs).

Thought "better wash this" so whisk pan to sink. Hilariously due to glutton-based brain imperative whisk FAR too quickly and simmering oil slops across whole top of thumb.

Instant onosecond as I realise what's absolutely and very definitely just happened but *before* nerve signals reach brain to deliver mind-shattering blast of searing pain.

Hand under cold tap for 20 mins...

Dull throbbing for days? Oui. HUGE leathery blister? Aye. Worried chunk of skin would fall off revealing bare bone? Yes.

I had to clean the bastard wall too as the reflex response sent all the oil flying.

And my dinner was cold.
(Sat 28th May 2005, 6:55, More)

» Local Nutters

Bucket Man
Once I was walking to get my lift to work via Boscombe, near Bournemouth - walking up one side of a small road bridge.

Suddenly, over the brow, came someone on a pushbike, with an old silver metal bucket on their head with a slit cut out so they could see!

I asked a woman nearby "Did I just see what I thought I saw!?" and she said "Oh, that's just Bucket Man". Apparently someone with a severe phobia of sunlight (due to a skin condition, though that might be myth). The bucket was real enough.
(Fri 17th Sep 2004, 17:00, More)

» Shit Stories

School friend
1 day I was in history (with a renowned dragon of a teacher) sitting next to my best mate. I was just out of hospital mentioned before, with crutches & leg in plaster so was allowed out 5 mins early to get down the stairs before the seething herd.

This one day my best friend KEEPS on releasing God awful silent farts while his guts keep rumbling LOUDLY like a school of whales. I kept berating him for the stench every 5 minutes.

I'm allowed to go, leave my things on the desk for him to bring and start hop-a-hopping down the steps. I get about 5 steps down when I clearly hear a MASSIVE ripping FART from the room and a chorus of "UUUUUURGGGGGHHHH!" (some people claim the windows rattled).

Said friend RUSHES past me, briefly stopping to say "I've been sick!". "No shit" I think as he has chunks plus liquid on his chin which weren't usually there. He rushes off in panic to the nearest loo.

Apparently he just stood up, involuntarily let loose a fantastic ripper, vomited all over the desks and shat himself LOL! (Well, not sure if he actually shat through to the public side of his trousers, but it sounds good, right? ;-) )

Other mean friends were not helpful in retrieving my things on account of them now being under a thin layer of instant soup substitute. I had spaghetti bolgnese for dinner that day which was somehow not as enticing as normal.
(Fri 7th May 2004, 11:45, More)