» Barred

Multiple barrings - Seaforth Ullapool
Got barred as a teenager from the same pub for: 3 months - pretending to be a dog and biting the straight headed manager. Allowed back in and did lobster impression (on bar) and pinched him - 3 months again... After another chance in, I spotted him watching me sitting with my shopping so sat a carrot on a stool next to me and started buying it drinks, which everyone picked up on and joined in. The carrot ended up with 18 vodka and cokes and I ended up barred for life. Took 2 years of begging to get allowed back in. Lasted 2 months before we set a firework off in the chip shop next door so got barred for life again. This time he stuck to his word for 5 years before my brother bought the pub and he left. And we all drink happily ever after!
(Thu 31st Aug 2006, 13:32, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

Money from nothing
sussed a pool table in a pub which you could shake 10p a time out of the leg where the money went in. Mate used to keep an eye out while I shook it. Once we had enough we'd then go watch the fruit machine until someone had put a heap in and the lighting combinations meant it was going to pay (took a lot of watching to learn) then we'd invest the 10pences to get the Jackpot. Best day ever was starting with £2 between us, shaked the pool table, won the Jackpot and ended up with £5 each which we put on grand national - 2 horses each way. Both came in ended up with £38. Few years ago when pints were less than a quid so got shit faced. Also did a collection for the Zeeburg ferry one time which resulted in a great party but that's quite a turdy one I guess...
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 10:31, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

loose change...
After recounting a tale of a friend baby brother eating a penny when little and having to get multiple x-rays to check the penny-progress until expelled, then his mother keeping it and putting it into a goldchain for the child's 18th birthday, local barman stated this was impossible. Drunkenly I flipped a 50 pence piece in air and swallowed it. Barman thought this was an ellaborate trick, and in my state I forgot about it. Week or so later, sitting on the pan reading paper I heard a "kerching" from the toilet. With the assistance of marigolds, I retrieved the 50 pence, went to the same pub, requested a pint and paid barman with money including the 50 pence. As he walked away I asked if he remembered me eating the coin, he said he still thought it was bullshit so I asked him if he didn't agree the 50 pence in his hand was one of the shiniest he'd ever seen, causing him to freak. This should have been the great ending of the tale except I told someone this story a few weeks ago and they didn't believe me either so I repeated the coin swallowing. No sign of anything yet... : (
(Thu 26th May 2011, 20:04, More)

» Shit Stories

Shiney money
A barman said something about choking on money when I was drunk so I swallowed a fifty pence piece (old slightly bigger ones) to prove him wrong. No-one actually saw me and wouldn't believe I hadn't just hidden it. I forgot about it myself until about 2 weeks later sitting reading the loobrary mags I heard an almighty "ting" in the toilet. On examination spotted the 50p. Upon retrieval and clean it was the most shiney piece of the queens mint you can imagine. I then took it back to the original pub and paid it over the bar to the barman who had not believed I had swallowed it anyway so got some satisfaction from the (w)hole pointless affair.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 12:03, More)

» Have you ever been rude to a celebrity?

Queen Maam Arse
Was working on fishing boat in Scotland when a huge great boat did a detour to come and view us working folk. Got the deckhand to climb on the wheelhouse roof with me and wave our arses right as they went past. Turned out it was the Britania and the Queen Mum was having a jolly. (could have given her a stroke - if she'd been in reach)(tssshhh-boom)
(Thu 15th Apr 2004, 15:13, More)