» Teenage Parties

Strangly Fruity
About the age of around 16 a few of us were doing the usual house party that most of you seem to have encountered... one of our group ( John ) was known as a bit of a mothers boy so me and a mate ( Matt ) decided to do a " wizard jape " on him.

We got a condom, and with the help of the owner of the house's fridge we placed a dollop of fruit yogurt in to the condom and placed it in Johns coat pocket (which was with all the other coats on a bed in one of the upstairs rooms ).We hoped that this would be later found by his mother thus elavating the mummys boys to "man of the world" status.

The evening ended as most, with us walking along trying to find a 24 hour garage to satisfy our munchies. Whilst walking along with hands in his pockets John looks puzzled and pulled out the condom to shouts of " Errgg , which Dirty Fucker left his used nodder in my coat ?" . This left me with only one apropriate course of action , I grabbed the condom from Johns hand , opened up the suspect package and dipped my finger into the man custard filling " hmmm tastes like one of Matt's to me " says I.
Queue John chucking up , and a story which has been told many times since.

Although there is no truth in the version thats told where John then takes out another condom out of his other pocket and says " Erggh , this one smells like strawberry yogurt ! "
(Wed 19th Apr 2006, 4:22, More)

» The passive-aggressive guilt trip

Be nice !
A friend of mine who has been struggling with cancer over the past couple of years , ie ever time they tell him they think they have got it all , a couple of weeks later they find more.

One evening his Mrs was popping out to the shops and asked him if he wanted anything picking up . He just turned to her and said in the most winny pathetic voice he could muster " Get me something nice ... I've got cancer " .... pure class

sorry about size its malignant
(Mon 17th Oct 2005, 13:04, More)

» Heckles

x3
Many moons ago I went to see Aliens 3 at the cinema, the lights went out and the title screen came up with the ALIENS 3 logo (Small 3 by the s) ... voice from behind " Aliens Cubed ? ... whats that about then ? " made me giggle all the way through that film.

Which is just as well cos the film was a pile of big dogs cock
(Wed 12th Apr 2006, 12:20, More)

» Fire!

Hot Pants !
About 5 of us riding up the motorway to a bike rally. All of a sudden the lead bike started to smoke more than normal. We noticed that this was coming from his panniers that had dropped down onto his exhaust.

Seeing this the four of us tried to get his attention by waving and trying to overtake. Of cause he took this to be a challenge for a race.

Now the scene on the M6 consisted of 5 bike bikes in a sort of upturned V formation , doing speeds well in excess of the national speed limit , with the lead bike billowing out clouds of noxious gas , socks , underpants , tins of Newcastle Brown etc. Kind of like a drug induced Red Arrows display.

Eventually Mike (for this was whom it was )decides to pull over when the skin on his calf start to melt , we pull up behind him and in-between laughing and taking photos we eventually , using tins of lager put his leg and bike out of their misery.

He spent the next half hour trying to source his more expensive belongings from the 2 mile stretch of motorway, and spent the rest of the weekend limping and trying to cadge money off people (never found his wallet)
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 20:46, More)

» Fire!

Way back when man had just invented fire
A friend of ours (Mark), who’s parents had decided to abandon in Chester at the tender age of 17, while they returned to their native land of Cumbria , decided to lodge with a recently married couple that we knew.

They agreed to this as a) They felt warm and fuzzy helping a mate out and B) Thought that the extra income would help finance their newly acquired love nest.

Okay the scene is now explained, on with the fire incident.

A few days after moving into his new abode, Mark was sitting in the middle of the living room floor filling his Zippo lighter. Upon filling to the brim he proceed to check out his work by lighting the Zippo in the traditional way of every 17 year old at the time , which was by step (1) bringing the lighter quickly down across the thigh to open the case , Step (2) then catching the thigh again on the upstroke to light it.

Well part one and two of this impressive display worked fine, unfortunately a new unfound Step (3) was now to come into play , which consisted of losing hold of the freshly filled and still wet Zippo , leaving it to find its own way down to the waiting carpet and moist lighter fuel container.

Now this was ordinary carpet, no siree , this carpet was a wedding present from the brides parents, an expensive, luxurious floor covering that was designed to last many years in their marital home.

Well, seeing as this question is about burning things you will know what happened next, the result left the wedding present with a 8" round burn mark .

Well what was Mark to do ? Own up and take the imminent shit ? Go out and get a rug on the pretence of a belated wedding present ? Phone up a specialist cleaning firm for advise ? Set up and elaborate scene which would hopefully lead to then thinking that the cat had started the fire by knocking a box of matches off the fireplace .

Funnily enough no , he decided to eliminate the problem removing a nine inch square section of carpet with a Stanley knife . And then the brilliant side of the plan consisted of cutting out another 9" square section of carpet from beneath the settee.

Brilliant plan , no-one would ever notice ..... It was spotted straight away, newly weds were loved up and had not bothered with contents insurance yet . Mark was looking for new lodgings the same evening.
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 8:35, More)