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» Jobsworths

Breakfast in Brighton
A friend and I took a trip to Brighton one day, arriving at some ungodly early hour. It being before 7am, we decided to find somewhere to get some breakfast after the long journey. There was a nice little 24 hour cafe/restaurant on the seafront, so in we went. I didn't need to look at the menu, as I long ago worked out that double eggs, chips and beans (with a slice of toast for mop-up duties) is God's own meal.

Me: "Double eggs, chips and beans please."

Waitress: "Can't have that, it's not on the menu."

Me: "Really?"

[looks at menu, sees nothing but various food combinations featuring eggs, chips, and baked beans and sundry other classic British artery hardening foodstuffs]

Me: "But you do serve eggs, chips and beans..."

Waitress: "You can only order the combinations listed."

Me: "Well can't you just give me the egg and chips and add on some baked beans?"

Waitress: "That combination isn't on the menu."

Me: "You can just add on an appropriate amount to cover the additional beans."

Waitress: "I'll have to see if the chef will allow it (wtf?), we don't normally allow such things."

They grudgingly gave me what I ordered, but they made it clear they were really going out of their way and were doing me a real favour. I wouldn't have minded, but we were the only ones in there at that time of day. This country ...
(Mon 16th May 2005, 13:36, More)

» Guilty Pleasures

I like to make myself sneeze. Just take something like a cocktail stick or a key, insert it into a nostril and very delicately tickle the hairs inside. About 20 or 30 sneezes and you start to feel really good.
(Mon 11th Apr 2005, 15:48, More)

» Office Christmas Parties

Set the bar high
I'd just like to say that at my Xmas party this year I got heroically drunk, made sexual advances on my boss in front of everyone (with the classic line "you're well fit, I could really do you" before lunging in with the tongue), and then was prodigously sick. Felt up at least three of my female workmates too, but they were all very good about it. Sadly, I was so drunk I remember nothing. I woke up on the train at 7am having faredodged my way home. 3 hours of that journey are still unaccounted for, Christ knows what I might have done in that time.
(Tue 21st Dec 2004, 1:42, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Under the table ...
A croupier mate of mine was temporarily transfered to another casino for two weeks. While at this club, he witnessed the following.

It seems some dirty old bastard had gone into the club with some dirty young whore. While sat at a black jack table, the aforementioned slapper polished the old man's old man under the table. The first everyone knew about it, was when the dealer on that table wandered into the staff room with his trousers coated in the coffin dodger's geriatric man milk.

Casinos are dead glamourous aren't they?
(Fri 4th Jun 2004, 8:20, More)

» Jobsworths

Sir, you are a star. Those rude, arrogant tossers working for Thameslink deserve all the abuse they get. I've seen them harangueing customers in threatening tones on more than one occasion. Coming home at 6am after a night shift, I genuinely forgot to buy a ticket as you can walk straight onto the train at King's Cross from the tube (which I would do on the way home after an afternoon shift with that day's travelcard in my pocket already). Easy to do when you have been up all night. I only realised what I had done when I got up to Luton, and I made the mistake of going up to a gate guard and asking to buy a ticket rather than trying to sneak out (easily done). The twunt gives me a penalty fare *and* manages to overcharge me for my ticket as well. You certainly pay for being honest.

Then there was the time my wife (annual season ticket holder, £2,800 since you are asking) found there were no seats on the train to work and the punters were crammed in like battery hens. She takes a seat in the vacant 1st class, and when a ticket inspector (read: nazi) comes along she has no objection to paying the difference between 1st and the standard fare so she can remain seated. Does she get that? No, the arsehole decides that she has to be charged for a full price 1st class fare, ignoring the fact that she already had a valid standard class ticket for their stinking cattle truck of a train anyway. £30 for a 1st class seat that is only distinguishable from standard class by ... well, actually it isn't distinguishable from standard class in any way, they just cordon off 25% of the train to catch out travellers who object to the Auschwitz death-train conditions in the rest of the carriage. Cunts.

I normally drive to work now, but if I do take the train I'm going to try the same trick. I've been looking for more ways to repay the bastards. Cheers mate!
(Mon 16th May 2005, 11:12, More)
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