b3ta.com user pinky shminky
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just a girl.

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» My Wanking Disasters

I'm never going to live this down
even though it doesn't involve my wanking, but that of, ah, up to 2 others...
Went to my parents' place for a few days, went out drinking with an old mate, and then in bed, at 4am, drunk and horny, decided to send my s/o (who's back at home) a filthy text message for his enjoyment. Of course, being pissed I sent it to the wrong number - the first name in my phone book being Adam, one of my boyfriend's best mates, and a lovely bloke. The sheer horror of the slow realisation that dawned on me as I stared hopelessly at the words "Message Sent". Next time I saw him he pissed himself laughing and quoted my lyrical prose back at me, although he said he had to delete the message so his girlfriend wouldn't see it. To be fair, I got off quite lightly...

To fully understand how awful this was, you probably need to understand that the message started (thank fuck I don't remember all of it) with "I want to feast on your beautiful cock, tongue its massive throbbing splendour and let its sweet gift shower me..."

And that, children, is why 'dad' doesn't begin with A.
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 15:13, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

This wasn't me
but a woman I know admitted that, having been driven insane by her 4-year-old's repeated viewings of Mulan on video, she and her husband told the poor girl the TV was broken and then - this is the best bit - hid it in a cupboard. At night, after she's gone to bed, they get it out of the cupboard and watch it. That poor child, she's going to be scarred for life when she finds out... "Mummy, can I have a glass of mi- wait a minute - YOU'RE WATCHING TELLY!!!"
(Sat 17th Jan 2004, 12:43, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

oh god. i'd buried this one deep in my subconscious...
I trusted my parents implicitly, as they weren't the lying type at all - being Jewish, I was the kid who marched into school and confidently informed all of my little friends that Santa wasn't real and their parents were making it up, for instance.
However, we had a very elderly and ill cat, who I loved dearly. Eventually he became incontinent and stuff, and my parents evidently couldn't face telling a cute little 7-year-old girl that they were off to kill him. So they told me that they were going to take him to live at the vet's, with the justification "with both of us working, we don't have enough time to look after Marmie properly, but the vet looks after animals all day so he'll like taking care of him." This made perfect sense at the time, and was also completely acceptable to me because I liked the vet. I even remember having a quite elaborate set-up in my head where Marmie lived in the basement beneath the vet's surgery, and when customers came in he would ask them if they'd like to have an elderly and ailing ginger cat for free, which to my mind was a great deal, so someone would be bound to take him home.
It was another of those long-runners, it was several years before I casually asked my parents whether they'd ever heard back from the vet about anyone taking Marmie home. In retrospect, I guess the lie was rather transparent, but like I said, I trusted them.

Thanks for opening up old wounds, b3ta.
(Sat 17th Jan 2004, 13:11, More)

» Pet Names

My cats are named
Shaft - because she's black
and Zed - because he's neutered (Pulp Fiction)
and Spartacus - nobody knows why this happened.
(Wed 25th Feb 2004, 13:45, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

The hard shoulder
On long car journeys, eg. to my grandma's house along the M25, I would complain about things and bully my younger brother, as one does. My dad, who's not usually the lying type at all, once asked in an off-hand way "Do you know what the hard shoulder is?" Upon answering 'no' I was informed that it was "for little girls who don't like going in the car so they decide to walk all the way to Grandma's." The lie was reinforced on later occasions when we would drive past some poor soul walking along the hard shoulder (presumably to a phone or breakdown service, or whatever) and my parents would deadpan me with "Looks like that man/lady didn't like going in the car so they've decided to walk all the way to their grandma's."
At the age of about 14 or 15, when I finally asked them what it actually was for, they pissed themselves laughing at the magic shutting-up charm they'd come up with and its ludicrous longevity.
(Fri 16th Jan 2004, 20:39, More)
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