b3ta.com user Your Mum
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I'm not your mum.

Recent front page messages:

Above and beyond the call of duty...

(Thu 9th Jan 2003, 23:19, More)

Seattle Detective Domo-Kun

"I f**king warned you Cobain! Stay away from the smack and stay away from that women. Did you? Did you f**k and now look at you! Look at yourself with your brains splattered over the f**king walls. You stupid f**king idiot Cobain. Can you hear me Cobain? Can you? Can you? 'Course you f**cking can't you stupid f**king looser..."
(Fri 20th Sep 2002, 15:23, More)

Had Rod Hull lived and married Charles....
...our money would look something like this...

(Thu 15th Aug 2002, 8:30, More)

The Royal Mail succesfully breed stamp licking baby...

(Thu 4th Jul 2002, 11:58, More)

Aquatic 'Pets of Love'.

(Fri 5th Apr 2002, 15:05, More)

The 'Save b3ta' appeal reaches new heights.

(Tue 19th Mar 2002, 17:23, More)

Did anyone watch telly last night?
Who saw this gem?

(Tue 12th Mar 2002, 6:53, More)

Jumbo Swan

Best holiday ever.
(Mon 18th Feb 2002, 10:33, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Mini Cabs From Hell

Small blue tablets and a red Ferrari:
Where the hell was I?

Somewhere in the north I think. OK, imagine the cabbie is a northerner:

Cabbie: "Do you like the drugs lads?"

Us: "Yes. Immensely. In fact we're enjoying them right now"

Cabbie: "I used to hate them - then this Viagra come along..."

Note: Viagra in this case is pronounced "Vee-Aggerer".

Cabbie: "...changed my life it did - that Viagra..."

Us: *nervous wait for annecdote*

Cabbies: "...On Sundays (pronounced "Sun-deees") when the Formula 1 is just about to start - I neck a Viagra. One hour later I'm riding the Missus shouting 'Come on Schuey! Come on Schuey!'"

Us: "This is our stop"

I will never forget this moment. I'm a huge Grand Prix fan and ever since that day in the mini-cab I spare a thought for the driver and his wife at both the start of the race and again when Martin Brundle says "We're at the halfway stage here at Imola...".
No my friend. For some the race has just begun.

Come on Schuey!
(Thu 27th May 2004, 10:15, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

No great anecdote on the performance, however...
I remember a voice in my head continiously whispering: "Oh my fucking God...oh my fucking God...this is actually happening.. don't fuck it up..." While I remained as quiet as Anne Frank.

The only other real memory I have of the event was, and I don't wish to be graphic, but - it was the MOST I ever physically ejaculated.

You see, being a sensetive guy, I went for the spectacular porno money shot on her lovely young tits. However instead of the usual teaspoon or so of man love, I produced what appeared to be a full litre of 'baby gravy'.

Shocked by this loveless emission sullying her physical perfection and the shattered attempted tenderness of physical love, she was silenced with horror -as was I -in bemusement of how I produced so much sex liquid when at the time I was bashing the bishop at least three times a day.

So, yes, there she was covered from waist to face in sexual effluvient waiting for me to do something or say something. So, I carefully leant over to her bedroom radiator and selected a towel to wipe this runny sex debris away. I pawed at a dark red towel - she shook her head, then I reached for the white one - she nodded and I wiped her down.

We went to sleep and in the morning I was free. We never saw again, but I thank girls like that for us turning boys into the supercharged sex professors we are today.

All hail lovely girls with sweet smelling wipe-clean skin.
(Mon 7th Mar 2005, 22:28, More)

» Dad Jokes

What a great question:
Dad (upon meeting a child): "How old are you lad?"
Child: "Seven"
Dad: "He he. I was seven when I was your age. Kids - Love 'em - went to school with them..."

...And so on.


The older I get the funnier I find this. Also the older I get the greater the interest in the fibre content of cereals.
(Wed 10th Dec 2003, 15:52, More)

» Childhood bad taste

When I was 14 I was big fan of TV's Miami Vice...
Don Johnson was our role model of cool, so one saturday I got my Mum to take me to Burtons Menswear to buy:

White trousers with fat turnups.
Turquoise (sp?) t-shirt.
Yellow suit jacket.
3 Ray Bans from the market.

How could any girl resist a chubby virginal 14 year-old from Cheshire in this ensemble?

Well, they resisted very well - in fact they were 100% effective at resisting me.

I've always looked like a tit, however now I'm good at it - and the ladies now respect me more.
(Fri 10th Dec 2004, 14:28, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

For a bet, I liked a dogs face for half a pack of cigarettes.
I no longer smoke nor do I lick dog's faces*.





*Yes, I know you read that as feaces.
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 16:14, More)
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