» My Worst Vomit

As a kid
My family used to take holidays on a canal boat.
The problem being with this is that sometimes if the water tank hasn't been sterilsed properly it gets nasty bugs and this one bug decided to attack all of us on board.
My Mum decided we could only eat soup (we only had cream of tomato) and bread.
With the movement of the boat the smell of my brother and sister vomiting into buckets wasn't the best place to be ill in, so i went out onto the back of the boat to get some air.

My stomach decided this wasn't as good an idea as i first thought and decided it needed to make me evacuate my dinner of soup and bread.
The problem was it evacuated my body at speed and caused me to projectile vomit up the side of the boat that was passing us through the open window and onto the guys wife who was on the other side of the open window.
(Thu 19th Aug 2004, 22:20, More)

» The Police

working in a taxi office on the late shift
I get over the radio,
"I have just been offered a dabble (race) on the motorway by a copper, so I accepted we are doing about 110mph at the moment"
I just laughed when I was told:
"We are side-by-side, He just showed me the bird, He changed gear and just left me standing....."
(Sat 24th Sep 2005, 10:20, More)

» Shit Stories

when visiting family friends
This is a 2 parter.
part one:
we had gone to visit some family friends i was about 12 or 13 my sister about 7ish her and the other girl were playing in one of the rooms. my sister thought it would be funny to pull up her nighty and let rip unfortunatly she followed through at high velocity and pebble dashed the bookcase and surrounding floor.

part 2:

titled richard the turd.
this is the only time i have admitted this because at the time i was a lil embarrassed.
at the same weekend visiting i decided i needed to drop a load so off i went and sat and unloaded the biggest turd i have yet to do and see (approx 20" it was at the u-bend and half way up the side of the bowl). now with a turd of this size flushing was a problem it just wouldn't shift i also couldn't find the ceremonial bog brush to beat it so i decided to leave it and say nothing. the mpther of the family was the unfortunate person to find it and her words were "jesus christ who the hell left that behind its huge". i never admitted to it and the blame was placed upon her (now ex(not because of the turd)) husband even though he denied it. they then had to get the bog brush from the other loo and beat it away.
(Wed 5th May 2004, 23:01, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

burning in the lab
One of the guys in my science class pissed me off (victim of bullying) so i decided to get him back.
I took one of the glass rods (used for stirring) and put it in the bunsen burner until it glowed red.

I then turned to him and asked him to hold it for me.

He probably still has the scar to this day and the detention was only a week in the science lab which wasn't too bad as it was wet and freezing outside :D
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 20:35, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

NEWSFLASH!!!!
In the south of America an old english sheep dog has been found tied to a burning cross.


sources say the Dulux clan have claimed responsibility
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 22:42, More)