I offended someone with this:
I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".
( <>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 14:29, Reply)

What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler ?
Hitler tried to finish the race
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:07, Reply)

w00t!
How can you tell if its your turn to do the washing up?
Look down your trousers and if you've got a dick it isn't your turn

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps
So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "you're going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing napies"
"Why? Am I Pregnant?"
"no" the doctor replies, you've got bowel cancer

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.

'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging
out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'
(Duff_the_Funky_Chicken, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 22:56, Reply)

How do you get a gay man to shag your girlfriend?
Shit in her cunt.
( supermoore: HUNG, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:08, Reply)

I was sat on a bus with a mate and he told me the following joke:
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your washing.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit".

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said

"He choked on a sock".
( Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Mon 2 Jan 2006, 21:32, Reply)

One day...
a little boy runs up to his mother, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"
His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".

The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?"
Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".

The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".


moohahaha.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 9:30, Reply)

Tomorrow was Katie's birthday and she was excited
"Guess how old I'm going to be tomorrow!" she yelled to her dad.

"Don't know" he replied, playing along.

"I'll be six!" she replied.

She went into the kitchen and asked her grandad, "guess how old I'll be tomorrow!"

"To answer this I need you to pull down your knickers." he says.

So Katie does this. Her grandad inserts two fingers into her cunt, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.

"You'll be six tomorrow" Grandad says.

"How did you know that?" replies Katie.

"Because I heard you saying it to your dad" was the reply.
(Chuckman, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:54, Reply)

Last one...
Why is the bible like a penis?

You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
( WormuIus, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 15:23, Reply)

What's the difference between sick jokes and racist jokes?
nothing apparently
( darth munki is flipping livid, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 14:47, Reply)

what do you call
an elephant with a spade?
dawn french
( nbby notkins, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:26, Reply)

political
whats grey and smells of curry?

John Majors dick....
(gentleben, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:15, Reply)

told to my step dad
..who didn't find it nearly as funny as I did

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken!
( Loz I'm still here., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:11, Reply)

I was told this when I was 7, by a uni student. I still love it.
It is just another working day at the brothel. The punters are coming, the cash is coming, and the girls are faking it. Suddenly the door opens, and a figure steps through the threshold, silhouetted against the backdrop of the red lights.

It is a boy, a young boy, about nine. In his hand is a length of string, reaching all the way to the floor, where it is fastened around the neck of what looks like a dead frog. The figure picks the frog up, strides up to the counter, and places the amphibian onto it, exclaiming, “I want a bitch with herpes.”

Behind the counter, the sexmonger is flabbergasted. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I said ‘I want a bitch with herpes’” says the child.

“Well I’m afraid we don’t have any ladies that fit that description” replies the Madam.

“I want a bitch with herpes, and I am going to have a bitch with herpes” says the boy, putting £1000 on the counter, next to the frog.

The Madam thinks about this for a while and decides that the reputation of her house of ill-repute is definitely worth £1000. She sends for one of her many shingle infected sluts. The boy follows the genitally deformed working girl to her room, trailing his frog behind him.

After an hour of quite bizarre shenanigans the kid returns to the counter, frog in tow, to thank the Madam. She takes this opportunity to ask the question that had been puzzling her for the entire previous hour, “Why did you want a whore with herpes?”

“Well,” explains the boy “My parents are going out tonight. In the evening I’m going to fuck my babysitter. When my dad drives her back home, he’s going to fuck her. Then he’s going home to fuck Mum. In the morning she’s going to fuck the milkman. He’s going to fuck his wife, she’s going to fuck her boss, he’s going to fuck his wife - my English teacher, she’s going to fuck my headmaster and HE’S THE CUNT WHO KILLED MY FROG!”
(Nossidge, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 1:49, Reply)

What do you get when you cross Rob Manuel, a leotard and a can of whipped cream?



An erection.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 21:25, Reply)

Ummm
Little Johnny misses a day at school.

He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.

"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"

"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"

"Well Miss, they don't fuck about at the crematorium"

First post for fecking yonks. I'll go back to lurking now, but I do love that joke.
( kinell, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 21:09, Reply)

What's black and has 27 tits??
The rubbish bag outside the cancer clinic.
( bennyhillslovechild, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:45, Reply)

what did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
she choked
(Limpy713 Thu 21 Nov, 15:59, Tues 1 Oct, 05:22, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:12, Reply)

A nice little racist joke - but not in the way that you think...
An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"
The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"
(misteroz1979, Wed 21 Dec 2005, 8:51, Reply)

Not sick and not told yet
but made me laugh like a mong:

A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice.

The man looks around, a little confused.

"DIG!" Booms the oice again.

The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts

"OPEN!"

He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again

"CASINO!"

What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout

"ROULETTE!"

He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.

"16 BLACK!" the voice says

So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.

"FUCK!" shouts the voice...
(mrcheese989, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 17:09, Reply)

SMS Inbox - Thur 9th Sept 2004 19:21
S% Q{!T

/|Kd 4KKS? *&Re kj (owq safoq%5 #zs g'faga
J/sasa£ (dsffsS OKASS LQ @#E IAHlkj ~^£}

Sender: David Blunkett +442075554321
(AdrianJ, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:31, Reply)

What's worse than finding half a maggot in your apple?
Gangrape.
(Nearly, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 19:17, Reply)

Sweary
How do you get a granny to shout "Cunt!"?

Get another one to shout "Bingo".
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:22, Reply)

what's worse than 10 babies stapled to a tree?
One baby stapled to 10 trees.
(kaibosh, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:20, Reply)

alrighty then
How do you stop a black kid from bouncing on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.
( Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:07, Reply)

not sick but mad as a box of frogs!
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."
(Lamby, Thu 12 Jan 2006, 17:22, Reply)

As told to me by a very inappropriate chap who looks a bit like Jimmy Carr...

St. Peter's standing at the Pearly Gates, and he spies a little brown face coming up the escalator.

A little Pakistani wanders up to him and says 'Good Morning please, be wanting to come into heaven thankyou'
'Look mate', says St. Peter 'It doesn't work that way, you're a muslim, aren't you'
'Yes, being a good muslim thankyou'
'No mate, look I'm sorry. You just can't come in, you're off down there'
'am GOOD muslim. Wanting to be coming in please'
'You can't be a good muslim, how?'
'But AM GOOD muslim. I am even giving things to charity all the time'
St. Peter sighs. 'Like what?'
The Pakistani stands up proudly. 'Only last week, am giving twenty pounds to the children in need'
St. Peter considers him for a second, and finally resigns himself to the fact that this chap deserves a bit of his time. 'Right, fine, okay" he sighs, "You win. I'll go and have a word with God, wait here'

So off he trots wearily through the Pearly Gates, and returns a couple of hours later. He walks back up to the Pakistani, and says 'Right, I've had a chat with God about you, and it's all sorted.'
'Here's your twenty quid back, now Fuck Off'.



I thought it was worth the length. *POP*...
(ArfurDaley Must try harder., Tue 13 Dec 2005, 10:26, Reply)

Things to do in toilets
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a shoe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with lemonade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling,' Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say,' Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toilet paper, lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
(mcintoish, Mon 12 Dec 2005, 16:48, Reply)

What's blue and fucks grannies?
Me in my lucky blue coat.
(Kong, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 13:29, Reply)

Where's the Andies?
A vicar is on a train and this pregnant woman gets on and sits down opposite him.

As they travel the vicar is reading his newspaper and the woman takes out her knitting.

As she is knitting, about every 20 minutes she reaches into her bag and pulls out a bottle of pills from which she takes one and swallows it.

This goes on for about an hour when the vicar sees the label "Thalidomide" on the bottle.

"Excuse me", says the vicar to the woman, "Do you know the effect that could have on your unborn child?"

"Yes" says the woman "I never could knit sleeves."
(BobMonkhouse is a lacist, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 10:52, Reply)