» Heckles

Underground Velvets
I'm quite proud of this because it's true, i hope i don't fuck up the perfectness of the heckle by telling it shitly.

some time ago at the hope & anchor, islington, a velvet undergrounds cover band were playing. The lead singer, talented as he was, couldn't introduce JD and Coke together, every song had a 5 minute introductory lecture, but nobody said owt, as the place is pretty small and nobody wanted to be a fucknut about it. he was just nervous...

Anyway, We had to endure this behaviour for at least 3 songs, and as he rambled on and on, he forgot what he was talking about! He'd gone on about unusual chord structures for so long, and I was right near the front and i'd been chewing my lip for so long I just blurted it out...

"JUST PLAY THE FUCKING SONG!!"

Cue cheers, hoots, applause and one covers band singer quickly re-evaluating his approach to introducing other people's songs. :)
(Mon 10th Apr 2006, 22:58, More)

» Road Rage

ancient history
I once was riding my motorised bike home after a hard days work, my mood was not improved by a car full of lairy bitches cutting me up and making me brake very hard to avoid injury. so when i pulled up to them at some lights to discuss the matter further i was told, in no uncertain terms, that my personal feelings were none of their concern, more to the point they were sorry to have missed me at all.
when i caught up to them again I had my first ever violent road rage outburst, and punched down on their left hand wing mirror. To my dismay, it didn't come cleanly off, so I had to punch it repeatedly to ensure complete destruction before i rode off (veh quickly). i remember looking at their faces just before i shot off, and what i saw was good. Four cowering, horrified, scared shitless heartless bitches, i could not have asked for more. I still smile when i think about it, i hope they have nightmares forever. and rabies. bitches.
(Mon 16th Oct 2006, 22:15, More)

» Shoddy Presents

plastic smile
is what i had on when my g/f got me a chorizo sausage, a selection of mini cheeses - let me repeat that - mini cheeses, a bar of chocolate and some nuts... for christmas. :/

thanks darling.

she actually wrapped them as well. she gift wrapped me a chorizo.

excuse me while i just go shoot myself.
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 17:21, More)

» Irrational Fears

Aaargh! my eyes!!
I'd like to say I fear nowt, but when i went for a contact lens checkup last weekend, there's a machine which puffs air on your eyes to measure pressure behind ur eyes or summat, and as soon as I was told to put my chin on the rest i started to panic.

I knew it was silly but i could not help it, i was well nervous. And every time it puffed air into my eye i jumped, even if i pushed myself forward, and even when the doctor counted me down for the puff, i couldn't stifle the jolt. I have images of my eyes drying up and falling out and shit.

In fact, i'm feeling uneasy just writing about that infernal machine.

brrrr.... that is all.
(Wed 28th Jan 2004, 17:27, More)

» The passive-aggressive guilt trip

truetruetrue
My mum to my girlfriend, who had just moved to england and had recently passed her university degree:

"well done dear, we didn't think you could do it!"

(this kind of thing happens quite a lot when your mum's first language eesn't eengleesh)
(Thu 13th Oct 2005, 10:30, More)