b3ta.com user routine
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for routine:
Profile Info:


Recent front page messages:


WooHoo! Thank you magic donkey. I'd also like to thank the Academy, God etc etc
(Thu 12th Jun 2003, 11:34, More)

no-one had noticed the design flaw until the grand opening.

(Mon 17th Feb 2003, 23:29, More)

(Fri 10th Jan 2003, 13:09, More)


(Wed 7th Aug 2002, 1:12, More)

Easier to spit-roast, apparently....

(Wed 7th Aug 2002, 0:06, More)

Steering short-sighted giant anteaters
is a piece of piss.

(Sat 3rd Aug 2002, 21:29, More)

Don't forget

(Wed 31st Jul 2002, 18:33, More)

It's Brian Ferry....

(Tue 25th Jun 2002, 2:01, More)

Mary had a little lamb,
she grabbed it by the neck,
smeared it's eyes in breadcrumbs,
and let the seagulls peck.

(Thu 6th Jun 2002, 23:48, More)

Mary had a little lamb,
she got it pissed on meths,
and while it was paralytic,
she fist-fucked it to death.

(Wed 5th Jun 2002, 13:00, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Guilty Laughs

Dog rape
I walked into an amusement arcade (stoned) many years ago and to the immediate left of the doors was the cash desk in which my mate Dave was perched perusing the day's racing schedule. To the right was a row of machines one of which was being played by a withered old hag, fag hanging out of mouth, headscarf, totally transfixed. Her arm was through the loop end of a dog-lead and at the other end of the lead was one of those revolting little brown and white dogs that you sometimes see made out of porcelain on an old person's mantlepiece. A giggling three or four year old little girl was patting the dog while it frantically thrust it's penis into her face, with it's tongue hanging out of the side of it's mouth and it's front legs clamping her head. It was, for a few seconds, the funniest thing I'd ever seen. It was immediately beaten in the laughter stakes by Dave's reaction. I tapped on the glass and he turned to look at me, saw what was happening and went from 'bored beyond belief' to hysterical, crying laughter in a matter of nanoseconds.
(Fri 23rd Jul 2010, 13:21, More)

» Heckles

At an amateur boxing night
in Blackpool some years ago. In one of the bouts, toward the end of the third and final round, one of the boxers manages to twist his knee awkwardly and is obviously in some distress. His opponent sees this and does the gentlemannly thing of standing off and throwing a few meaningless jabs for a few seconds until the bell goes. This is met with a ripple of appreciative applause from the crowd. Good for the sport's image and all that. In the middle of this spontaneous outbreak someone yells out "hit his fucking leg".
(Sat 8th Apr 2006, 10:07, More)

» Evidence that you're getting old

A few years ago
I was hanging out the washing and suddenly thought to myself, "I could do with a peg-bag".

It was at this point (about 30) that I realised I no longer served any point or position in life and that the rest of my miserable existance was going to be Hell on earth. These days I have to let my flatulence out in short sharp bursts to limit any damage if I follow through. I also occasionally go down on my girlfriend purely to buy some time so I can sober up and achieve an erection.
(Sun 31st Oct 2004, 18:03, More)

» My Collection

Female body parts in formaldehyde.
Why? I just can't bear to part with them after all the effort that went into hacking them off the FILTHY FUCKING WHORES. Anyway, God told me to.
(Sun 14th Jan 2007, 19:47, More)

» First World Problems

People who let their dogs shit in the street and don't remove it.
Not only is this antisocial, irresponsible and downright fucking disgusting it's also illegal. But, it happens all the time. It is not acceptable in any way and the tabloids are missing a trick by not mounting some campaign to demonise the revolting cunts who are responsible. It should be a mandatory night in the cells for the first offence and take the dog away and fucking shoot it if it ever happens again.
(Thu 1st Mar 2012, 22:50, More)
[read all their answers]