» The worst sex I ever had

Oh, I've been waiting for this one...
I was very tempted to go for a far longer version of this story, but I'll abridge it for reasons of... well, who cares, you'll enjoy it more if it's shorter.

Anyway... I met someone through friends who was only ever in my vicinity during holidays as she went to uni elsewhere. We made it rather obvious that we liked each other, but never amounted to anything in the time we were given.
Still, we kept in contact over MSN, and she often confided in me with her troubles... and confusions.

During Easter, while she was home again, we went out for a night and ended up back at my place with a little wine in us. The mood was a little strange, but a few episodes of Family Guy later and we were having awkward, quiet sex with the lights off, until she asked me to stop.

"Sorry," I said, falling off her. "Is there something wrong?"

She paused for pretty much ever with the most confusion I've ever seen evident in a person. And then, without looking at me, she finally spoke...

"Yeah," she sighed. "I'm definitely gay."
(Sat 16th Jun 2007, 21:17, More)

» Going Too Far

Oy Vey
I'm eating pizza with some friends whilst watching a film, and one of my friends suddenly comes up with the observation that there are generally lots of Jews in films. After explaining to her that the market was monopolised in the rich land of America following their emigration from Germany during the war, another friend points out "Yeah, I remember, there were a few Jews in Schindler's List..."

A few giggles. Then silence.

"...but not for long."
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 19:39, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Ticket to...
A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up.
She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl."
As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
"My baby!" screams the mother.
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.
"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
(Mon 6th Feb 2006, 20:01, More)

» Near Death Experiences

My closest brush with death
was, believe it or not, on that bloody pirate ship ride at Chessington. I was about 12, and a tiny bugger as well, and I was shoved into the back row (the one that puts you at a total right-angle at the peak) with a bunch of gigantic men. I got pushed right to the edge so far that the rail only covered a single knee...

Needless to say, I held on for dear life, cried after I'd gotten off, and never ever went on the cursed ride again.
(Thu 2nd Dec 2004, 19:49, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

Twatface McGee
Someone I was fantastic friends with at school left to live in Alabama when his mum married a redneck. As soon as he'd graduated, several years later, he came back to England and my mother let him live with us.

Three years had made me grow up a bit, but not him. Oh no. He went on a rampage of spending all the money he got loaned by everyone on drink and drugs, started a relationship with a good friend of mine before repeatedly cheating on her, and made an enemy of my fiancée by constantly reducing her to tears with chauvenistic, derogatory rants and threats.

So I kicked him on to the streets with nothing.

That'll teach him.
(Sun 29th Apr 2007, 13:02, More)