b3ta.com user Strangey
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» Guilty Pleasures

Utterly Childish and Pointless
I take great joy in bumping into people who wear camouflage gear - t-shirts, caps, trousers etc, and then apologising to them "Oh sorry! Didn't see you"

I've been doing this for over 10 years and nobody has got it yet. It pleases me no end.
(Wed 13th Apr 2005, 1:06, More)

» The Onosecond

Email Near-Miss
A while ago at work I was managing a rather high-profile project. One of our number - usually a really sound girl and rather a good mate - suddenly started sending narky, demanding emails to our IT department.

My IT person forwarded me one of the emails with the comment "Why is she being such a fucking useless bitch?"

I replied in a similar vein, but god-knows-bloody-well-how, copied her in.


As soon as I hit send, I knew. I knew.

I had to run upstairs, tell her that one of her staff was in the toilet, lying on the floor unconscious (lie!)

Before I got anywhere near her desk, she emerges, seeing nobody was in the Ladies.

Had to then crawl commando-style across the floor to unplug her PC and hide under her desk for 15 minutes while they were discussing why I had fibbed about the unconscious person in the loo.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 13:26, More)

» The Police

My friend told me this one several years ago - I really hope that it is true.

His brother had been at the pub with a large group, but wasn't drinking as he was on antibiotics. However, when he left at closing time he was pulled over. Narked at this, he started sounding off (he was a fiesty mad bugger).

One of the cops had enough of this and arrested him for some ridiculous charge of threatening behaviour. They started reading him his rights - "anything you say may be taken down and used as evidence". So mad fiesty bugger starts reciting Hamlet from the beginning... apparently the young cop started transcribing this...

As I said, this is unverified but makes a good yarn.
(Sat 24th Sep 2005, 13:27, More)

» The Police

Crime Prevention
When I still lived with my parents (this was just after uni) I used to stay in central London on a Friday after work to enjoy a few sly lemonades with my pals.

One night I got the last tube back to Stanmore and spotted a police car. Being a bit pissed and more than a little lazy I went up and asked them if, in fact, their focus was on the prevention of crime.

"Of course" came the reply. "Good-oh" I say -"then will you give me a lift up the hill, just in case I get attacked?"

Sure enough they did, and continued to do so most Friday nights until I moved to Camden. How sweet is that? Thanks, rozzers!
(Sat 24th Sep 2005, 9:44, More)

» Best Comebacks

Running Late for Work
Boss: You should have been here half an hour ago!

Me: Why??? What HAPPENED???!!
(Fri 30th Apr 2004, 2:49, More)
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