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» Pet Stories

Don't mess with the cat
Years ago I was living in my sister's house with her, her boyfriend and her cat Tito. Now Tito who did not approve of having any rivals for my sister's afftections.

One sunny Saturday morning I was lazing in bed when I heard a roar of pain from their bedroom. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of fur closely pursued by naked flesh zoom past my door, a shriek of pain and surprise and finally the unmistakeable sound of a heavy physical object falling down the stairs.

It turned out that Tito had wandered into the bedroom to find the happy couple enjoying some morning delight at which he had sunk his teeth into the boyfriend's big toe. Cat flees out of bedroom followed by enraged boyfriend who in his haste does not see that the evil feline has been sick at the top of the stairs during the night.

Fully grown man slips in pile of cold cat vomit, tumbles down stairs during which time cat escapes to sit on the fence at the end of the garden watching the house with a hostile eye.

Cat 1 Man 0

As usual.
(Sun 10th Jun 2007, 10:29, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Think this just about counts...
My sister says this happened to a friend of hers. Or was it a friend of a friend? Hmmm. Anyway this couple have been trying unsuccessfully to start a family, the wife gets herself checked out and everything seems to be in working order so the bloke makes an appointment at the fertility clinic.

Turns up and the doctor gives him a plastic receptacle and asks if he'd be kind enough to give a sample and invites him to use the loo next door. Poor guy gets in there to find no mucky magazines, let alone a blonde nurse like on that Blink 182 album cover to stick a finger up his nipsy and help him on his way. Manfully fwaps away anyway and manages to spooge into the little container, brings it back to the doctor.

"Ah, thank you" says the doctor inspecting his, umm, donation. "Actually we were after a urine sample".

That's what my sister says anyway.
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 9:47, More)

» Sexism

I think this is due to Victoria Coren, but don't be put off...
If a bloke sniffs some milk from the fridge and thinks it is off he makes a face and puts it straight back. A woman throws it away.
(Wed 30th Dec 2009, 20:04, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Biter bit
One morning about 8.30 I was walking along the road near Westbourne Park when I noticed an old guy wobbling along on a bicycle. He looked like a classic boozer - big red nose and flat cap - and was going so slowly I could not believe he wasn't going to fall off. Entranced by this spectacle of early morning drunken bicycle riding I strode on, swivelling my head so as not to miss the inevitable when he fell off the bike - only to walk straight into a lamp-post myself.

When I had recovered from the shock and looked back he was still in the saddle, manically yanking the handlebars left and right, but defiantly ploughing his way down the road.
(Wed 27th Jan 2010, 10:25, More)

» Worst Band Ever

Not only the most god-awful meat and two vegetables dad rock imaginable, but somehow they poisoned the whole British music scene in the 1990s. I'm pretty sure it was Mr. Agreeable in the Meloday Maker who said that The Beautiful South were "the dead pigeon in the cold water tank of British pop", a wonderful description of the toxicity and corrupting nature of some bands.

Also Julie Burchill used to really like Oasis. QED.
(Wed 5th Jan 2011, 13:48, More)
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