» School Sports Day

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him . . . we have the technology.
On my first sports day at Primary School, I came up with the fantastic tactic of running like the fastest man I knew. Unfortunately that man was "Steve Austin, Astronaut - A man barely alive" or
the Six Million Dollar Man, who ran so fast that they had to show him running in slow motion. To my five year old mind though, I knew if I ran in slow motion I would leave everyone standing...

I didn't. I came last, but I recall I still got a lollipop from a sympathetic but slightly smirking teacher.
(Thu 30th Mar 2006, 12:34, More)

» Join us... come join the cult

Almighty Zog
I started the Zogist religion, worshiping almighty Zog. Zog required nothing more than a shrine to be built to him in your attic, and a weekly offering of a stale cheese and onion crisp. A friend took up the religion too and we would both marvel at how Zog would apparently take the offerings we had left him. I suspect that Zog may have used rats or possibly squirrels as his earthly disciples and delivery service though.
(Fri 27th Jan 2006, 12:36, More)

» Weddings

Stay Very Still
We went to a wedding of two doctor friends, which was such a nice affair (firework display at the end and everything), that they decided to save some money on the photographer. They found one via work, who seemed to have all the right equipment (so to speak). He wasn't very friendly though, and seemed to have a problem getting everyone in the right position. He was especially annoyed when people kept moving, and as there were quite a few young children at the wedding, he was having a bit of a hard time, and giving everyone a hard time.

Anyway, after the wedding day, we met up with the happy couple and asked how the pictures had turned out. "Terrible!", was their reply. They found out too late that this bloke had never done a wedding before and was more used to doing more "medical photos". In particular, autopsies.

That would probably explain the large white slab he insisted everyone pose on...
(Fri 15th Jul 2005, 17:12, More)

» People with Stupid Names

Note Teru
I've heard of:
May Dupp
Justin Vented
Jo Kernayme
Note Teru
Yoov Bin Had
Imogen Airey
Neva X Isted
May Bea Not
Ken A Getaweighwivit
Obvi Sly Alowdac Rap
Gay Tina Bitsilleenow
Rick Witter
(I may have gone too far with the last one...)
(Fri 27th Aug 2004, 16:19, More)

» People with Stupid Names

Like the Hexagonal Tool
Many have told of the famous Alan Key who worked for an Electronics company somewhere in the North West. He would always introduce himself thus:
"Hello, I'm Alan Key. Like the hexagonal tool!"
One person apparently replied:
"Oh yes, I'm Stanley Knife."
He wasn't though, he was just a great big tease I think.
I always thought that an ex-colleague was born with his very own porn-star name: Phil Chambers.
There used to be a woodwork teacher at my school called Mr Woods.
I had a succesion of amusingly named Physics teachers. They replaced Mr Tryfell with Mr Girdley. They both had beards and I think they may have been the same person.
I mustn't forget Edwin Loverseed as it has a poetic beauty all of it's own.
(Thu 26th Aug 2004, 22:46, More)