This image is still burned onto my retinas....

Mate of mine was marrying his lovely Italian girlfriend in her home country. Her folks were very devout, so it's a full on Catholic wedding ceremony, hundreds of guests, they've flown in the 60 year old Irish priest who baptised the bride etc etc As my mate is a Scot, all us lads were in full dress kilts, including one particular buddy of ours 'Smurf'. A few months prior to this Smurf, at the age of 30, had declared himself to be gay, but wasn't having ANY luck finding himself a fella and was getting rather desperate. But then, if you will refuse all dental treatment since birth and drink enough beer to give the appearance that another, only slightly smaller, man is living in the bottom of your vest, it can be difficult to get laid. Bless him, but Smurf's no oil painting.

Wedding is delightful - on we go to the reception. Lots of wonderful food, and more importantly wine, which Smurf is chucking back with his usual haste and enthusiasm. He, it seems, is not the only man at the wedding with an extreme thirst though... Night wears on, I'm chatting away to female mate when suddenly she stops mid-sentence and goes as white as a sheet, staring in utter horror at something over my shoulder. The rest of the room has fallen strangely silent as well - I turn around to see what's going on. There's Smurf, at the bar, in a full-on French kiss with the fucking PRIEST - who meanwhile has his hand up Smurf's kilt and is giving him a vigourous and obvious tug-job in front of two hundred gobsmacked guests. Both of them had got wasted on free booze, presumably exchanged significant glances, then just fallen on each other like starving wolverines... Bride's mother, who I don't think was the most homosexually-tolerant woman on the planet anyway, storms over, grabs an ice-bucket full of ice/cold water and douses them with it. They don't even seem to fucking NOTICE, let alone stop... They had to be physically prised apart in the end and the Bride and her family were so traumatised that they declared the reception immediately over. Pity, us Brits all agreed that we damn well NEEDED more booze after seeing that. Fair enough, everybody deserves love and affection, but full on toothless-lardie-boy against 60-year-old-priest stylee action I can do without having to watch...

No apologies for length. You know you love it really.
(scunnydelight, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 14:46, Reply)

Family Wedding
I'd just started going out with a very nice young lady whose brother was imminently due to get married. Sure enough, I was duly invited to the wedding. Very nice, very posh (he's a city boy), wonderful time had by all.

Until.

They had arranged for some samba dancers to hold a group samba lesson immediately prior to the reception. It's fair to say I wasn't very good. As I left the floor in ignominy and left new g/f to it, who should I see but a good friend of mine, coincidentally arriving for the evening do as a guest of new g/f's mate. A-ha! An alternative to making a fool of myself, I thought, and the two of us retreated to the bar.

Then I woke up in the bath, partially clothed, it was daylight, and my mouth tasted like there was a frenchman living in it. I had absolutely no idea how I'd got there, or what had happened. New g/f wasn't best pleased with me, to put it mildly, and after some delicate negotiation she filled me in on the details.

I'd got absolutely wankered on guinness, started loudly pontificating about "fucking tory cunts" to g/f's Daily Mail-reading dad, thrown a full pint glass across the bar in full view of everyone and flatly denied I'd done it, gone back to the dancefloor to confront the g/f's mother and angrily insist that she should be "reaching for the lasers", then thankfully been dragged off and up to my bed by a crowd of concerned guests. All by about 8.30 pm.

At about 9pm I reappeared in the room with my cock hanging out of my trousers on the grounds that the grandmothers and other assorted elderly relatives would "love it".

BTW the new g/f is now my wife.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 18:48, Reply)

Denty's Wedding
In Manchester in my youth I had the dubious pleasure to be best man at my mates wedding. This being my life it had to be the second most weird wedding I ever attended (the weirdest was my own but I'm trying to forget that one...).

Bear with me here - this tales gets quite convoluted. This tale started when I got a phone-call from Denty telling me that his GF had dumped him. He was in pain and in a bad way. So I upped sticks from the North East and headed to Manchester to look after him. When I arrived we went on the piss and stayed on it for 6 weeks. I can hardly remember a thing about that bender only that it involved lots of drinking, lots of slutty women and a not inconsiderable amount of drugs. When we finally came round it was to find that Denty had somehow managed to get himself engaged!

Anyway, Denty being Denty decided to go ahead with the marriage as quickly as possible and we trotted down to the registry office to get the paperwork sorted out and get the deed done in double quick time. The bride and groom just wanted a quick and dirty wedding with nobody being told about it(no family, no friends no hassle) so we arranged the wedding for the following Friday. Friday rolls around and the four of us (me, Denty, his bride and her best friend) headed for the registry office. We got there and the most surreal service in the world took place. The bride was wearing a duffle coat. Me and Denty were wearing black leathers and the maid-of-honour was wearing a fucking black cloak and looked like a witch.

All through the ceremony I kept whispering to Denty out of the side of my mouth. "It's not too late.-If you run now you still make it. If she tries to chase you I'll trip her.." Causing the groom to burst into fits of giggles. Eventually the ceremony drew to a close and the Registrar said "You may now kiss the bride!
Denty looked up at her and said "Do I *have* to?" Getting his first slap of his married life.

Ceremony over we headed downstairs to find a bar and a drink. Now unknown to Denty I'd decided that it just wasn't on to keep his wedding a secret from all of our friends and so I'd hatched yet another cunning plan. I'd arranged for all of our mates to turn up outside the registry office with bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale (Denty's favourite tipple) and, when we appeared after the wedding, to shake them up and spray the happy couple champagne style. A good plan. With one teeny flaw.

What I'd failed to take into account was that Manchester's registry office is a bloody big place and there were several other weddings going on at the same time. The place was packed with Brides in white dresses, men in suits and women in all their finery. Cue 40 pissed up bikers appearing and spraying gallons of stinking brown ale all over the various wedding parties and the scene was set for a fight of fucking biblical proportions!

There brides crying, women screaming - enraged fathers and dripping wet grannies. Knots of tussling men were everywhere and finally we heard the wail of sirens....

"Run like fuck!" yelled somebody and we all took to our heels and scattered.

Now that's what I call a wedding.

Tonight being Friday I'm going to get:
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 12:44, Reply)

No one wants to upset a blind man
Was at a cousins wedding reception in Newquay when I noticed their was another wedding recepion in the hotel next door...a cunning plan started to hatch in my slightly inebriated mind. I have an uncle who's a bit blind, by a bit blind I mean dark glasses, white stick, doesn't know what sunlight looks like blind, anyway he's also a bit of a laugh. So I told him what I had in mind, and he lent me said glasses and stick.

Cue me walking down the line of bride, groom and family in the hotel next door, doing the shaking hand bit, and telling them what a lovely ceremony it had been. The beauty of it was I could see them all pointing at me and mouthing "who's he" getting shrugs in reply that sort of said "don't know, but he's blind leave him alone". Anyway a very amusing half hour or so followed, with me going up to random people, getting them to get me a drink, telling them what a lovely service I thought it had been, and what a lovely girl the bride is, known her since she was a little girl don't you know, all the time seeing the words "who's he" mouthed to the people around, and those same shrugs in answer. I then asked the DJ to play a Stevie Wonder tune, and stood in the middle of the empty dance floor doing my best Stevie Wonder playing the piano impression. Half way through the tune I had to do a runner before I did my best roll round on the floor laughing impression.

Still the funniest thing I've ever done.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 16:28, Reply)

Well, my wedding..
Firstly, when the bride got out of the car, her dress caught in the door, ripping it away. Then there was a sudden gust of wind which blew everyone's hats off.

In the church the vicar sneezed and wiped it on his robe, before blessing me and having to wipe the gel off on it as well. Just after that the best man passed out knocking the candles over setting fire to the altar, and when he asked "Does anyone have any just cause.." a small kid dancing up the aisle shouted "I NEED A POO!"

When we had the photographs taken, I fell over carrying my wife, whilst the photographers wig blew off and he fell in the river.

During the reception, the father of the bride sat back and missed the chair the waiter had moved away from him, causing the maid of honour to drop the shatterable present she was carrying. As we went to cut the cake, the guy bringing it over tripped and fell face first in it and so I picked a bit up and wiped it in my wife's face.

Finally during the disco, two of the young kids dancing kissed eachother before being unceremoniously kicked down by an over-zealous uncle and right during the best part of 'Come on Eileen' granny accidentally tripped over a bit when her knickers fell down.

I ought to send the video into You've Been Framed.
(kna has forgotten everything., Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:00, Reply)

Gaybo
When the vicar at my friends wedding asked if anyone saw any reason why the couple should not be wed, the groom's drunken brother remarked in a voice loud enough to heard from my seat 5 pews down that he couldn't "cos he's a fucking gaybo".

This is the best qotw ever.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 10:53, Reply)

While at Uni, i worked weekends in a hotel
...and thus saw a LOT of wedding receptions, and have a lot of semi interesting memories of them. But rather than bore you all, I'll stick to just one. At the moment.

Wedding speeches are always fun, and one Father-of-the-Bride effort went along the lines of "Well, it's finally happened. My little Sophie's married. It's the moment that my wife and I have been hoping for, and chance for her new life to start. But as one door closes, another opens, and I'm taking this opportunity to tell my wife that I've had enough. You may have thought that I believed your weekends away involved visiting your sister, but I knew that you spent the weekend knob-gobbling and ass-fucking Jeffrey (groom's surname). So... " (getting sheaf of papers from pocket) "...I'm filing for divorce. You'll get nothing from me, and you two can pay for the wedding."

FotB raises glass, knocks back Scotch, and walks off. Rather spoilt the mood for the rest of the night
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 19:16, Reply)

Ahh. B3ta.
Another week, another excuse to post some thinly veiled, pathetically ineffectual self-eulogy containing the same 3 anecdotes or phrases I've used ever since I joined the board. While I try to make myself seem big, bold and clever, see if you can't pick up the ever-so-slight telltale signs I'm a) barely literate; b) not quite in possession of the full gamut of human emotions c) as interesting as gravel; or d) all of the above.

Once I went to a wedding and it was so bad – like your stories, but so much worse, because this story is about me. So when I say I got drunk and it sounds like everyone else’s drunken stories, you don’t understand. I was far more drunk than anyone else could ever have been. Anyway we did some hilarious stuff that I can’t remember too well, I’m too ineloquent to express clearly or humorously, and which now, having been forced to think about it for the first time in any way approaching objectivity, I realise was only ever funny to me and the poor cnuts that had the misfortune of spending enough time around me to understand my personality.

Innuendo about length. The irony is that’s probably the cause of all my problems.
(Bubba loves sleep outs, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 17:08, Reply)

I propose a toast to the bride and FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!
Now ladies. Yes we know childbirth stings a little, but you do not know the meaning of pain. I was once bestist man at a mate's wedding. He was marrying this ugly bird who looked a bit like UglyDog, on the last newsletter. I was in the bog having a wazz and joking with this bloke about the bride's looks. Gurning Chimp was my favourite as far as I remember. I had just finished my piss and, still laughing, quickly done up my zip. Now due to the fact that I was as pissed as an innercity comprehensive school teacher, I had failed to pop my cock back home safely and zipped my cock up in the teeth of the zip. At least 12 teeth had embedded themselves in the skin of my knob and I had to take myself to A&E on the bus because no cunt would or could give me a lift. Bent over double, with a teatowel wrapped around my nudger, which was now bleeding like a stabbed cow. The zip was actually embedded in my knob-skin and had to be removed, (The zip that is, not my knob) They then had to pick out the zip teeth, one at a time with a small pair of pliers. If that wasn't enough they had to (you still with me?) stitch up my womb-ferret which now looked like something you would find in a butcher's dustbin with 12 bloody stiches mate! Pain!? Don't you fuckin' 'pain' me! 2 nurses holding me down. Having the stiches out a week later was no fucking holiday either. Best bit was, the doctor told me not to get a hard on as I would split my stitches. Well if you go to bed with the light off, you wake up with the hard........ NURSE!!!!!
Three times it had to be re-stitched!! Why couldn't that have happened to Johnathan King?
I promise. If I ever have to go to a wedding where a swamp pig is marrying a mate, I shall only speak kind words about her, even if she does resemble a prolapsed hippo arse.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 15 Jul 2005, 11:57, Reply)

More best-man's speeches
The absolute worst I've ever heard consisted only of, "I hope the groom is as happy with his new wife as I was when I used to go out with her. She's a bit of a goer."
( chthonic, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:52, Reply)

Sisters Wedding
Before hand i'd made a bet with my dad that it'd not last a year... i won this bet TWICE

But i digress, at my sisters wedding everything seemed to be going ok. I hated the groom, pretty much since i'd laid eyes upon him and even thou i don't care much for my sister i figured out that she could do better than this twunt.

Usual rubbish, speaches etc etc. The bar opens! Hoorah, the highlight of the day!!
I proceed to get stuck in, anything went, but Stella and little sausage rolls were the order of the day.

The spliff didn't help....

Things get worse.

I'm with my older sister and we're known for getting hammered. I loose count of the ammount of beer i've drunk (somewhere between 18 and 21 pints of Stella, shots and spliffage)

BUT.. i'm holding it together. I can walk and i can slur so i think i'm ok. We leave, the bride and groom are at the door saying goodnight to people. The groom thinks that i'm all tearful because i've lost my sister.. he pats me on the shoulder and says "don't worry i'll look after her..." BING for a split second i instantly sober up and reply

"Don't worry half of your friends have already looked after her"

DOH... my dad hoists me over the shoulder to avoid me getting my head punched in and runs to the car, he's laughing so hard that he crashes the car on the way back from the car park

Apols about length / girth etc
(ntmb, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 14:00, Reply)

Pikey Wedding
I was invited to the wedding of a member of one of my home town's largest criminal families - as I was very matey with bride's brother.
The bride was 17, the groom 30.
She was obviously knocked up.
He was at least 22 stone.
All went very smoothly until the grooms mates thought they'd help themselves to the wedding cake using their hands, before the happy couple had cut it. The bride's family took umbridge to this, particularly the bride's brother who promptly plunged the cake cutting knife into the best mans stomach. All hell broke loose with chairs, tables, bottles, glasses and cutlery being thrown in a scene reminiscent of a wild west saloon brawl. My most lasting memories of the evening had to be the bride slipping over on the best mans rapidly pooling blood - concussing herself and the brides father lovingly stamping on his new son-in-law's head whilst screaming 'Cunt! Cunt!'
I took French leave of the situation before the plod arrived.
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 9:13, Reply)

'Ave it!!!!
Best man at my brothers wedding and oh so slightly f*cked. Towards the end of the reception my new sister in law takes to the dance floor and following tradition throws her (very, very expensive) boquet over her head for some lucky girly to catch.

Except that I had staggered on to the middle of the dance floor at this precise point, saw this thing flying through the air and proceeded to catch with an almighty volley that Shearer would of been proud of before running off with my shirt over my head..

'Ave it!!!!
(Let's all have an asbo, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 14:23, Reply)

Last one from me today
I attended a fantastic registry office wedding in Yorkshire once where the bride and groom had chosen to get married to the Imperial March from Star Wars.

All very geeky and dramatic.

Unfortunately, it's quite short, and the tape kept running, so they actually conducted most of the service to the Cantina Music from Star Wars...
( chthonic, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:34, Reply)

Shocking speech
I used to work as head barman at a venue which hosted weddings. Come the speeches I would gather the barmaids to listen to them and then we would decide on how long we gave the marriage before it broke down in acrimony - the shortest was about an hour when one of my staff caught the groom in the beer cellar with a bridesmaid.

Anyway, one wedding staged with us was obviously a bit of a rush job, the bride's father oiling his (no doubt Purdey) shotgun.

The groom came from what can only be described as a salt-of-the-earth (ie chav) background, while his bride was from a very posh family.

The reception was a lovely affair, the chavs only occasionally had to be prevented from stealing our fixtures and fittings, and the toffs being thoroughly amused at their working class antics - until the speeches.

The groom made a lovely, respectful and eloquent speech, before rounding it off with: "Thanks everyone for coming and making this special day so wonderful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to fuck the missus."

Half the room erupted into cheers, the other half's jaws hit the tables simultaneously.

First time poster. Apologies for length, but some of you like it.
(batsub, Sat 16 Jul 2005, 14:51, Reply)

cake
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day, even the cake was in tiers.

Gets coat
(col2e, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 19:24, Reply)

Nervous? moi?
I was best man to my best mate a few years back up in Lancashire (him and me are both southerners so a bit of a novelty). Anyway my mate who is cool as a cucumber the whole day whilst if anyone is a tad nervous its me. Anyway just before I had to do my best mans speech (which was totally unprepared) I nipped out for a crafty fag, and standing there was the father of the bride and a few other distinguished guests. The Dad Steve, a top bloke and sadly no longer with us, asks if I am nervous about the up and coming speech, to which I replied not verbally but with a 7 second fart of bronx proportions.

The round of applause amongst the small but distinguished smokers was akin to that of an oscar winner.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 6:33, Reply)

At
every wedding I go to all the old ladies keep poking me saying "you'll be next" but at funerals I poke the old ladies and say "you're next"!
(Phagenius, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 16:40, Reply)

I went to a wedding last week
Everyone showed up with gardening clothes, hoes, and weedkiller.

Turns out there was a typo on the wedding invites.



(I'll leave now.)
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 16:00, Reply)

i was 10
it was my cousins wedding, and my uncle being the rich bugger he is laid on the champagne by the bucketload, hence there were lots and lots of half empty glasses lying around, so yours truly decided to be helpful and finish them up for the nice people.

pretty soon i was fairly drunk, and couldn't work out why everyone was smiling and laughing at me (apparently drunk 10 year olds are quite easy to spot), anyway, speech time came, at the end of it my uncle proposed a toast to the happy couple, who are now mr and mrs bishop.

i jumped up onto the table and hollered, "to madge and harold!"
(starfish, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 20:19, Reply)

G/f sister's wedding in a village hall somewhere
Reception going nicely, getting a bit 'happy'. 3 of us decide to have a break from the heat and music and go outside for a fag and a piss.
We walk up to a waist-height concrete garden fence with some bushes sticking up behind it (perfect for a quick pee). One of the others takes it one step further and places one hand on top of the fence and vaults over. Just beyond the point of no return he stops (cartoon style), his jaw drops .... and he disappears!

It was a fucking railway bridge!
(the 'bushes' were, in fact, the tops of some rather tall trees). Fortunately he was not in the middle of the bridge and landed half way down the embankment, crashed through the undergrowth down to the lines.
He reappeared covered in scratches and foliage and when we ascertained that he was ok we all found this hysterical.
Regained composure enough to return to the party only to be confronted by g/f's mother (Hyacinth Bucket) lying in the middle of the dance floor, dress around her shoulders and another mate lying on top in full missionary position! (they had fallen over dancing) - what an image. Had to go for another piss/fag.
(Plan_B, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 11:18, Reply)

Brilliant
My sister's bridesmaid fainted - just like in You've Been Framed. As if that wasn't funny enough, as she lay there on the church floor, she did a HUGE fart. It sounded like god himself had dropped one and the entire congregation fought back the laughter throughout the ceremony.
(skindley, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 15:21, Reply)

We turned up late to my cousin's wedding
mostly because we were giving her brother a lift up to it. He managed to remember the 6 bags of camera equipment he'd need for a photoshoot later that day, but not his suit.

Anyways, we get to this country hotel and there's loads of people milling about in their best clothes waiting to go into the reception.

How late are we? Much embarrassed, we slip into the queue to shake hands with the family and start talking to those around us, telling how Sara is my cousin and how I'd not met Steve her new husband yet and why we were late.

Was having a great time till I realised that I really didn't recognise _any_ of the people in the queue, or, as we got closer to the door, any of the people welcoming us to the reception.

Turns out that it was a Sara marrying a Steve alright, just not the correct Sara and Steve.

To a huge round of applause, we bow out of the queue and sprint to the other end of the hotel, where the correct wedding is just starting.

If we'd kept quiet, I reckon we could have wangled two meals though.
( chthonic, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:29, Reply)

Cousins Wedding
My cousin got married a few a few years back and with half the family having Lebanese roots decided to have an Arabian theme to it. All the tables at the reception where lowered to the floor and people sat around on cushions. The tables also had Argillies (Hubbly Bubblys , bongs etc) on them. They where filled with nice aromatic tobaccos for the guests to enjoy after the meal.

I however took out the tobacco and filled it instead with some wacky backy and then put in some of the normal tobacco to hide the smell for me and my younger cousins to enjoy. As I finished doing this the father of the bride came swooping past and took it out of my hands placing it on the grandparents table.

I just stood there open mouthed as I watched them smoke away.
Half an hour later we had these golden oldies busting moves on the dance floor, giggling like a loons and generally having the time of their lives.

The groom was actually pretty pleased with it all.
(El Wapo, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 10:10, Reply)

I love Newcastle and its skip rats
Last year I was working in this small restaurant clapped onto the side of this pub in a very charvery area. The restaurant was nice enough and I was often working the weekends doing split shifts.

Came in on a sunday morning to be told there was a wedding reception being held in the restaurant. So I walked through ready to start work to be greeted by the union of two skip rat families. The bride was the first thing I saw... I say thing because she was a clear winner of Miss Cancer Face Burn Victim Uglyness UK.

There she was fat as they come with her feet up on the table swinging the chair on two legs, her tiara was wonky and she had a gravy stain on the mammoth tit part of her net curtain dress. Clutched in her meat hook was a barcadi breezer with a pink straw in it (for special occasions). Surrounded by bridesmaids you would usually find stood about in the bus stops of toon.

The groom was covered in tattoos but was actually quite a nice guy. Unfortuntaly for him he had decided of an early age to do his own tattoos with a needle and biro ink, so they all appeared dirty blue and said things like "Dazza".

I set to work clearing the chicken dinner plates away from next to the bride when she delivers the immortal line...
"I'm fucking sick of me dress man, I'm fucking sweatin me tits off." she then picks up a bit off yorkshire pudding and lobs it at "Dazza", he turns round and she says
"Dazza man fucking gan get us anuva drink man its me wedding daaayy" which warrants the reply
"fuck off yee lazy bitch"

The conversation continued in this hilarious vein till late into the night. Eventually they were turfed out back to byker but not till I was greeted to the sight of the head bridecharver getting pied by the grooms brother against the window whilst finishing her pint!

Skip rats I salute you!
(Manatee Fondler, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 15:33, Reply)

In Newcastle a few years back
My geordie friend was getting married. When it came to saying the vows he repeated "I know not of any lawful impediment whay aye should not get married" - I sniggered away to myself for ages. I probably still am the only person who thinks it merits mirth.
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 8:51, Reply)

Well, the drinks were already paid for...
My brother told me this. Decide for yourself whether it's true.

My brother's friend (yes, it's one of those stories)went to the posh wedding of a mutual friend. The ceremony was very nice. Not even a snigger at the "If anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed..."

At the reception they went through the usual speeches. You know: Toast to the bride's parents, parents reply, toast to the groom's parents, parents reply etc. There was lot's of the usual "Thank you Aunty mary for arranging the lovely wedding cake. Thank you Tina and Cathy for being such lovely flower girls etc." Until it came time for the the Bridesmaids toast. The best man toasted the bridesmaids in the usual way "Thank you girls for supporting the bride in this stressful time, helping her organise everything, etc.". The groom stood up to reply on the behalf of the Bridemaids and to make his own toast.

"Thank you very much to my new in-laws who have welcomed me into their family so warmly.", he said. "Thank you to my parents who have welcomed XXX (can't remember bride's name into our family and who have done so much to support me and my new wife in the past. Thank you so much to Auntie Wendy for (whatever)..." Until he capped it off with "And last of all, thank you so much to my best man for being such a great friend all my life. A good friend, a good laugh, always happy to help out - we had a wonderful time growing up together. But most af all, thank you for fucking my bride last night!". At which point he sat down.

The room was silent. The best man was stunned. The bride burst into tears and ran from the room, followed by closely her family and then by the best man. The groom settled into a night of heavy drinking. He was heard to say "Well, it happened last night. There wasn't much I could do about it then and the food and drink had been paid for."

Kudos to him for sticking it out through the wedding and speeches. I understand the marriage was anulled.

~ Length? It's genetic.
(Stinkfinger, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 0:01, Reply)

Not a Dad's proudest moment
At a family wedding our 2 year old daughter climbs on the bride's lap at the dining table for a kiss and hug.

Gets down to reveal large shit stain on bride's dress.

I thought I was going to be sick from embarrassment.
(tell me about the rabbits, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 13:52, Reply)

kids r us
Last year, at a friend's wedding (genuinely nice guy, dreadful domineering wife) ceremony, Maidenhead registry office (like the living room of an old folks' home), the bride's mother, real hello-trees-hello-sky character, stands up to read classic AA Milne poem.

Us in the back row (average age 28) were taken completely unawares by the first line:

"Wherever I am, there's always Pooh"

Cue general red-faced collapse, suppressed snorting and silent tears of mirth.

As we sat quaking with ill-disguised spasms, row of 9-year olds in front of us turns to give us dagger-looks which say "Don't be so childish"...
( Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 11:25, Reply)

Cake
For no reason what so ever, after getting drunk I decided to repeatedly headbutt my friends wedding cake until there was nothing but a mush of sultanas, icing and marzipan.

I don't like fruitcake.
(Let's all have an asbo, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 10:18, Reply)