» Work Experience

The Best Work Experience Job Ever
I wanted to be a photographer in my younger days, and therefore when the work experience brochure went around with the local businesses **eager** to have a tea boy for a week, I looked up the local photography shops.

They were all booked up.

Dejected, I asked my mum if she could pull a few strings with her photography teacher, who agreed to take me on. The school were alright with me, and sent a form to the teacher to fill in. He sent back a number of forms for me, and we were all set.

The forms I filled in were a bit odd, saying things like "have you ever been arrested for indecent exposure". I answered them all honestly (Incidentally, I haven't).

I got a phone call about 2 weeks before the week. He told me what I needed to prepare. He told it to me straight, that he has been sent an assignment for a week, that requires travel, and a hotel stay for 4 nights. "Don't worry" he said "It's all paid for by the newspaper."

Newspaper? Brilliant. We'll be on front line journalism photography.

I had a look to what it could be, and saw that "The Tour of Britain" cycling race was on the same week. We're going to take cycling photos.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Day 1, Llandudno. He lead me into a studio and said "you're job is actually to supervise this photoshoot, in case it gets out of hand. Don't worry it won't. It's just UK legislation requires 2 over 15 witnesses to every photoshoot. One man, one woman. Here's Claire, the girl who you will be working with." Claire was a late 20's girl, gorgeous, who had done it before. "Just sit there, and watch. It'll be something to tell the mates.". I was still unsure exactly what my job was, until Sarah walked in.

I reckonised Sarah, she was blonde, she was beautiful, she was stark bollock naked. This was a page 3 photoshoot that I had to supervise to make sure the photographer wasn't doing anything untoward. Sarah was actually quite intelligent "I am a student at Manchester University" she said to me, whilst I focussed on her tits.

The week was spent going around the country, taking photos of women in various states of undress. Except for Friday, where the girl (Sarah again) kept fully clothed and took pictures of her next to a BMW "So I have something to show the school". Couldn't fling open a red top to page 3.

Best work experience ever.
(Thu 10th May 2007, 14:54, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

A mate of mine - Lets call him Jim....
...nicest guy you can meet, and had one thing that me and my mates didn't - morals. He always said he'd lose it to "somebody who is completely honest to him, somebody who trusts me, somebody who wouldn't lie to me". Up steps Jessica.

Jessica was - I'll be honest - short, fat, and not the prettiest thing in the world. In fact, she had a face like a slapped arse. But my mate Jim was happy - Jessica was known in our ultra conservative school to have actually performed the art of oral sex on a man. The filthy slapper.

Cue a drunken teenage party around at Jessica's farm (yes, farm). Jim sat down with me and said "I'm going to do it, I'm going to have sex with Jessica.". He would of been the 7th out of our group of 10 to have sex, I was still Virgo Intact. I gave him one of my condoms.

I watched Jim whisper naughty things into Jessica's ear, and Jessica's eyes light up with a naughty delight. She giggled, grabbed Jim, and led her upstairs. I looked on with a wierd emotion - envy because he would be sex weeing into a girl before me, and pride because - well - Jim was that nice a guy.

However, that niceness doesn't make what I'm about to divulge any less funny.

First there was a large thud, then Jim screamed "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!?", then Jessica saying "OOPS! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!!"

I locked eyes with my mate Dave, both of us displaying the internationally recognised facial signal of "What the fuck?" on our faces.

Our questioned was answered shortly later with the now-one-legged Jessica hopping down the stairs in a hurry, with Jim brandishing a wooden leg, saying "WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS!?!?", Jessica screaming "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!?!?!?". Jim threw the leg and it missed Jessica, but it smashed the front door glass.

Jim calmed down, and now he sees the funny side of this. Jessica was more honest about people, and now she's married.

To this day, Jim has yet to rip up his V-Plates. He wants a girl to be honest. Woe betide any woman who is not.

Especially if she has a wooden leg.

Apologies for length, but I have sanded it down to a smooth finish.
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 14:58, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Bangor University, IT block, 3rd floor, blokes loos
On an open day, popped in for a Barry White, and it said on the back of the door "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Cru 4eva"

The irony that they shortened "Crew forever" to save space was not lost on me.
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 17:38, More)

» Desperate Times

Lula: The Sexy Empire...For the C64!
Not just me, but a bunch of my rather geeky mates.

The mid 90's was a time for controversy in the video games world. Mortal Kombat, Carmageddon and the original Grand Theft Auto all caused Manhunt 2 esque levels of outrage. However, another game kind of took myself and my 15 year old's hormones right by the short & curlies.

Lula: The Sexy Empire.

It was a PC game, where the purpose of the game was - as Lula's agent - build her into the world's greatest porn star. To begin with, you send her stripping in bars/blackmail people, and then shoot your own porno films, you choose the positions, you buy lighting, camera and girls. You even chose your storyline. But, despite all this, for us 15 year olds, it featured tits.

We knew, when we read about the game, we had to play it. Unfortunately, none of us were rich enough to afford a £1200 PC at the time.

So we hatched a plan.

We were all pretty decent programmers - except for Aled, he was good at English and had quite a dirty mouth on him and Ian, he had actually slept with a girl. So what we did was we took the best computer we had at the time - a Commodore 64 - and made an unofficial port of the game.

It was all there! The blackmail, the purchasing over goods, even the preciding over a porn shoot, which - whilst none of us were good at graphics or the Karma Sutra - didn't matter, as we had this on our screen:

"PORN MENU
Press the key for what you want for scene number.....3
-----------
1. MISSIONARY
2. 69
3. DOGGY STYLE
4. CUNNILINGUS
5. CUMSHOT (ends movie)"

Instead of being a mass orgy of cartoon sprites, it was bits and blocks roughly positioned in 2 animation frames to kind of looked like porn. If you squinted.

Sadly, Ian left us half way through production, as he had a girlfriend (he batted WAY above his average), so we had to make up sex positions and what they look like. Needless to say, if anybody asks for a "Drowing Spider" from their girlfriend, be afraid.

Now we're all a lot more respectible, and have actually got girlfriends and the like, we're in the process of porting it to the PC, so it's playable on C64 emulators. Click "I like this!" for us to work faster, you perverts.
(Thu 15th Nov 2007, 18:18, More)

» We have to talk

ANOTHER girlfriend who'd prefer to drink from the furry cup...
If anybody decides to go out with me, never dump me drunk, otherwise you get things like this:

"We need to talk...."
"Lesbianssaywhat"
"What?"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK OFF YOU BIG FAT MINGE EATER!"

I'm not proud of it
(Fri 20th Apr 2007, 14:35, More)