» My computer gave away my secrets

my brother left this
"how do I perform a decent murder?"
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 14:35, More)

» Personal Hygiene

fatty plays video games
my best friend is a rather rancid guy. he's lost some weight, but still looks like a troll. he dresses nice, but that means shit when you reak of old tacos.

anyway, back when we were in elementary school (around age 10) he played video games quite a bit. He still does, but in a less pathetic way. It was spring break and we had a little over a week off from school. he'd just gotten zelda: ocarina of time for his n64.

don't know how his parents let this happen, as they are not usually neglectful, but he played the game for the entire week. That means every minute of everyday was spent sitting on that couch playing the game. needless to say, he was smelling pretty rank by day two. but what distinguishes this week long binge from others is that he shat his pants on day one. he did not move from this couch until day 6.

oh god. how does this happen? and why did he brag about it???
(Thu 22nd Mar 2007, 16:01, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

well
one such event: my former school took a video camera to random classrooms and had the students yell something along the lines of "Good morning meadow woods middle school!" for use ont he morning announcements. a slightly slow... well, no, he was completely mental challenged.. ..he decided that right when the record light on the camera went on he would get to work. the only person that saw him do it was the poor girl that had to sit next to him. he was actually staring at her at the time. he's still a legend, nobody ever saw him at school again.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 2:35, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

the first dance i'd ever been to
was during a battle. it was my first time out in the field. about 15 years old. I was a private in the 3rd Maine, Company F. I shared a tent with the man i'd grown up with. My uniform was a hand-me-down from his time spent in the unit years before. they barely fit, but at least it was warm in the blustering cold of january. my first morning was spent rolling powder cartridges and cleaning my musket. the boiling water is not fun when you can't move your fingers because of the cold.

when we faced our enemy they surprised us and charged with bayonettes fixed, my friend jared died spectacularly. i on the other hand shot before they reached me, and we pressed on. the day's battle was one by the union troops, but the next day's battle was won by those stinking confederates.

after that week in hell, i knew i was fighting for more than a less-than-steady paycheck. i was fighting for her, the girl in the purple dress sitting on the hill and watching us kill our fellow man.

(i'm a civil war reenactor. btw.)
(Thu 23rd Mar 2006, 20:29, More)

» Crap meals out

foreign affair
i was with my family in thailand around this time last year. we were typical american tourists and decided to get a tour guide and have him bring us to all the exotic places. we stopped at this restaraunt because my brother needed some american food. we must have been their only customers that month because we were all alone in the banquet hall and their entire staff came out to serve us. all 20 of them. we looked at the menu, and sure enough it had great american classics like grilled calimari and lime milkshakes.

i decided to go for safety and order a cheeseburger, and my brother followed suit. when he gave his order however the team of waiters giggled and confessed they only had one left. i challanged him to rock, paper, scissors and won out. he went with a chicken sandwich. ordering drinks went on in much the same way, i order a coke and he does to only to be told that they've run out. so he ordered a daquiri.

while waiting for our food (which with a team of waiters like we had, you'd think it'd come out within the hour) there was a pretty pathetic live band. it consisted of a hot thai woman doing kareoke and a man, near death, accompanying on the violin. during the performance the girl would shriek and scream to 80s pop songs, and the violinist would fall asleep. they got really into it.

my brother chicken sandwich came out looking pretty good, so i was excited about my thai burger. when i saw it I suddenly became ill. it was covered in a thick layer of grease and could barely be recognized as beef (because it was yellow). i was still pretty hungry so i tucked in. it was the stringiest, grossest burger i've ever tasted. eventually i found out it was because the beef there is fed with rice and is worked until death.


mmmm.... thai food
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 16:38, More)