b3ta.com user CowJam
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Clive's latest invention
What do you call a fish with no... crap, just realised this joke doesn't work if it's written down

biggify | rather shite gallery | and it only took 132 days to get FP'd!
(Mon 16th Feb 2004, 19:31, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Common

When I lived in Newcastle
There was a banner hanging outside of a house that read "HAPPY 30th GRANDMA".
(Thu 16th Oct 2008, 21:46, More)

» Customers from Hell

Sainsbury's To You
I used to work the late shift on the phones for the home delivery shopping service. On their webshite it states clearly that orders not completed by a certain time wont get delivered next day.

Every evening, shortly after that cut-off time, we got calls telling us our system was broken, had lied, had guaranteed next day delivery, etc and that everyone would starve to death if it didn't arrive.

The best one was a very angry gentleman purporting to be a writer for a broadsheet. He told me the site didn't contain any warnings (despite their being pop-up message boxes and a warning at each stage of ordering) and that if I didn't get him his shopping by tomorrow he'd do a double-page spread about the situation. "That's fine by me, sir. If you write a double page spread on people's inability to follow simple instructions it's just possible that I'll be able to finish at 9pm when the stores close instead of half past ten when I've finished dealing with idiots who think they deserve special treatment."
(Thu 4th Sep 2008, 18:46, More)

» Sleepwalking

First of a few stories
One morning I'm woken by my step-mother saying "Sam, why are you in the spare room?"
I look around and lo and behold I am in the spare room despite going to bed half a house away. "I dunno" I reply.
"Why are you in bed with a book stand?" she asks. Turns out I'd neatly emptied the books off this wooden frame and taken it to bed with me. "I dunno" I reply.
"Do you know that your dressing gown is in the bathroom?" I didn't. I check under the covers and say "er... could you fetch it for me please?"
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 14:27, More)

» Sacked

The Register got me fired
I was working for Sainsbury's to You on the phones taking complaints about late deliveries and I read an article on a phishing scam. I emailed the journo a short piece saying "that's nothing, StY store liaison team phone people up and say 'hi, this is bob from StY. There's been an error taking payment for your shopping, can you give me your credit card details again please' with no security whatsoever'. They published the letter in their weekly letters roundup, helpfully leaving my and the company names in.

The head of the company who ran the website called the head of the callcentre when he read it and I was escorted from the building.

I emailed El Reg and asked them to remove the names (StY asked me to) and they did. I also asked them why they hadn't already and they said "we only remove names if we think someone might get fired". Thanks, good judgement there.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 17:53, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

I'm extremely lazy
and as such only tend to read the first couple of letters of a word and guess what it is from how big it looks. This generally works except for doors - I read PUSH and PULL as just PU**.

The number of doors I've walked in to is huge, especially when I was working in a hospital
(Tue 9th May 2006, 1:15, More)
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