b3ta.com user jasp
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» Near Death Experiences

where's the floor
One drunken evening staggering towards home from the boozer, I was caught short. I spied a dark corner behind a short, maybe 1-1.5 foot high wall. I jogged up, leapt over the wall ... to wake up flat on my back, staring at the night sky from the bottom of a 12 foot hole that was on the other side of said wall. I got up, noting that my head was inches from a nasty looking steel ladder, which I must have skimmed the whole way down.

I relieved myself, climbed up the ladder, and continued home, until I realised that my watch was missing. I had to go back, and grub through muck, leaves, piss etc. to find the damn thing in the dark.

I suppose it wasn't that near death, but if I squint, I can imagine it was close.

I do remember driving through country at high speed once, in my youth, 4 wheels off the ground over a hump back bridge, to see a young mother with a very startled look on her face as I landed on a direct path to her offspring. Near death for her, but I managed to regain some semblance of control and keep going. My mum wondered why her sump was broken the next day, and the car never tracked right again. All I could say was 'dunno'.
(Wed 1st Dec 2004, 11:21, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

scars what I have
One xmas eve, I was standing behind the sofa while everyone else was watching telly. There happened to be a chest expander to hand. Well, at full stretch, it slipped out of my left hand, and a big sharp bit caught me on the chin. You could see the bone. Still, it could have been worse. Two people died in A&E in the two hours I was there to get the 7 stitches it took to fix it up.

A couple of years ago I was hopping up a kerb on my bicycle at about 2mph. I pulled the back wheel up (clip-ins), but must have still had the front brakes on as I went straight over the handlebars. Very, very painful. My arms were a little sore, but I thought, oh, well, I'll ride the 4 miles or so home. But first a bit of first aid for the bike. I had to get the brake levers back into position by smashing them with my less-sore right hand. I got half way home when I realised that my rather expensive watch appeared to be missing. Hey, it was still there - some good luck. I eventually got to the hospital and discovered a fractured radial head on my right arm, and a large chip off my left ulna at the wrist. Two years later and my right elbow is a joke. I have a metal radial head, and a joint that feels like a bag of spanners mixed with grit and sand.

I have one small-ish scar on my finger where I stupidly caught a large cleaver when doing the dishes. I've never bled so much in my life. I wrapped it in kitchen towel and duck tape, and it stopped bleeding in a day or so. But cleaning the floor of the kitchen was spectacular. Like a mass murder scene.

All for now.
(Wed 8th Sep 2004, 14:34, More)